NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 3

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Carolina @ Tampa Bay

Leading 13-6, Carolina punt returner Chris Gamble, following the orders of his coaching staff, attempted a lateral that came up short and was recovered by the Vikings. Minnesota tied the game and eventually won in overtime, 16-13.

"Contrary to what that loudmouth FOX color analyst Bill Maas says," says Panthers coach John Fox, "Chris didn't attempt that lateral of his own volition. That was my decision, and my decision only. And if I had it to do over again, I would do nothing different, except not make that decision. But in my defense, if I told Chris to go jump off a bridge, should he do it?"

In Tampa, the John Gruden sneer is in full effect. The Bucs can't run, they can't pass, and their division title of last year seems distant. Like the Panthers, Tampa is 0-2, and the loser of this game falls into an early, deep hole in the NFC South.

"Ahoy, matey. That's the worst case scenario," says Gruden. "Sure, we'd love to win, but we'll take a tie. At least that will get us a point in the NHL's Atlantic Division. But we know the Hurricanes, I mean Panthers, are just as hungry as we are. And, they'll likely have Steve Smith back, who, apparently, is their only offense. We, like the Panthers, are waiting on our best player to play his first game. What's that? Cadillac Williams played in our first two games? I didn't notice."

Smith returns, but in his excitement to finally get on the field, he aggravates his double-hammy when he does a disco split during introductions. The Carolina defense controls this one, and the Panthers don't try any tricks (although now would be a great time for one). Carolina wins, 16-10. Afterwards, members of both teams attend a party at a Tampa bar hosted by two Panthers cheerleaders.

Chicago @ Minnesota

The Bears 34-7 demolition of Detroit last week left the Lions 0-2, and left Detroit wide receiver Roy Wiliams' record in guarantees to 0-1. Quarterback Rex Grossman had his finest day as a Bear, throwing for 289 yards and 4 touchdowns, and currently is the league's highest-rated passer.

"I am? Then I've got nowhere to go but down. I tell you, playing against our defense in practice prepares you for anything," says Grossman. "Playing against our defense in a non-contact practice prepares you for playing the Lions' defense."

The 2-0 Bears will travel to the Metrodome to face the 2-0 Vikings for early control of the NFC North. The Vikes remained undefeated with an overtime win over the Panthers, tying the game on kicker Ryan Longwell's fake-field goal touchdown pass to Richard Owens. Longwell then won the game with a 19-yarder in OT.

"That's called following the gameplan to a 'T,'" says Minnesota head coach Brad Childress, still trying to correctly pronounce the name of Vikings' owner Zigi Wilf. "You know, Ryan's the first player to throw for the tying score and make the winning kick since George Blanda did it for the Raiders. And I think he was a grandfather at the time."

Are the resurgent Vikings ready to compete for the North crown? The outcome will give us the answer. Childress has promised the Vikes that should they win, the S. S. Porn Identity sets sail immediately. However, the Bears seem to have an offense to complement their defense. Grossman throws for a TD on the Bears first drive, and from their, it's a battle of field goals.

Bears win, 19-9.

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

The Bengals' 34-17 win over the Browns was costly — injured during the game were center Rich Braham, safety Dexter Jackson, and linebacker David Pollack. Even Chad Johnson was bloodied and a little woozy after taking a big hit from the Browns' Brian Russell.

"Physicals on three," says Bengals head man Marvin Lewis. "One, two, three, physicals."

"Hey, that's my line!" says Bill Cowher.

"No, Bill," replies Lewis. "You say 'physical.' I say 'physicals.' Meaning, our guys need to see the doctor. Also, I say it without sending spit flying into space."

Suffice it to say this game won't end in a 9-0 score, as did the Steelers' last game, a loss at the hands of the Jaguars. The Bengals are certainly banged up, and even their quarterback, Carson Palmer, has scraps from a cadaver holding his knee together.

"And I've got a few spare parts in my fridge," says Palmer, "seasoned to perfection. If my knee holds up, we're having a cookout later this year."

Palmer's knee holds up, but the Bengals' seven point first half lead doesn't. The banged up Bengals defense can't stop Willie Parker in the second half.

Steelers win, 27-22.

Green Bay @ Detroit

The Packers fell to 0-2 with a 34-27 loss to the Saints, but showed some promise after last week's 26-0 shutout at the hands of the Bears.

"Yeah, we scored," says Brett Favre, ripping into the plastic wrap covering a toy "Gunslinger" badge, the surprise found in a box of Lucky Charms he religiously enjoys every morning. "Man, I love my Lucky Charms. You've got pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clover, red balloons, and blue Vocodins. Anyway, we went from 'shutout' to 'shootout' in the span of a week. You all need to get used to the phrase 'in a losing effort' when you're talking about the Packers."

Detroit wide receiver Roy Williams guaranteed a win last week when the Lions faced the Bears. As you know, he was wrong, but that hasn't stopped him from guaranteeing a win this week.

"Look, every year, the NFL has some clown playing wide receiver who makes guarantees," says Williams. "This year, I'm that clown. It was a lot easier in college at Texas making these guarantees. You don't have to be too bold to guarantee wins over the likes of Rice, West Texas State, and Prairie View A & M. And you don't have to be bold to guarantee a win over the Bears — just stupid. But a win over the Packers? Bet the house."

Williams has a TD reception, and the Lions defense forces three Brett Favre turnovers. Detroit wins, 28-13. Afterwards, Williams guarantees the Lions will win the Super Bowl, the Tigers will win the World Series, the Pistons will win the NBA championship, and the Red Wings will win the Stanley Cup. He also guarantees that he will not watch any games involving the WNBA's Detroit Shock.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis

The Jaguars shut out the Steelers 9-0 on Monday night, holding the defending Super Bowl champions to nine first downs and 153 total yards. Fred Taylor ground out 92 yards rushing, the defense forced two turnovers, and Josh Scobee kicked three field goals.

"That's Jaguar football right there," says Jack Del Rio, still pumping his fist. "Hard-hitting, intense, take-no-prisoners, much like Joey Porter's trash talking. Anyway, it was a great win for us heading into Indy. We like the way we're playing, and I feel confident that our guys up front, John 'Hindu' Henderson, Paul 'Scary' Spicer, and Marcus Stroud (of Turin) can control the line of scrimmage."

"If they want the line of scrimmage," says Manning, updating the lineup for his service industry fantasy team, "they can have it. I'll even autograph it for them. Heck, I'll even throw in a year's worth of premium programing on DirectTV. Maybe Jack Del Rio's not aware of this, but the line of scrimmage moves, especially when I'm throwing. I watched the game Monday night. Yes, the Jags looked awesome on defense, but Ben Roethlisberger had plenty of time to throw. But he hits receivers like he drives a motorcycle. Give me 1.8 seconds, and I'll find an open receiver."

The Colts swept the Jags last year, and won a tough 10-3 decision in Indy last year. The Jags won't allow the Colts to establish the run, and if they can't get pressure on Manning with just their front four, it could spell trouble for Jack Del Rio and company. Don't forget, Jacksonville is coming off an emotional win at home, and a short week. Historically, the Jags are 0-7-1 coming off emotional wins and short weeks. Nah, I just made that up. Anyway, Manning throws two touchdowns, and the Indy defense holds late.

Colts win, 20-14.

N.Y. Jets @ Buffalo

For the second straight week, Chad Pennington threw for over 300 yards, this time in a losing effort to the Patriots. In two games, Pennington has thrown 70 passes, which can mean only two things: the Jets aren't running the ball to head coach Eric Mangini's liking, and Pennington's arm is in a sling.

"That's 'The Great and Mysterious Mangini' to you," says Mangini, a cross between the sourpuss demeanor of Tom Coughlin with the girth of Bill Parcells. "Did you see the handshake between Bill Belichick and myself at the end of the game? Cold, very cold. I guess you'd call it a respectful hatred. It's not like the guy had anything to do with me getting a head coaching job."

The Bills got by the Dolphins in Miami with defense, a time-consuming rushing attack, and an efficient, yet unspectacular performance at quarterback by J.P. Losman.

"Efficient, yet unspectacular?" says Bills coach Dick Jauron. "That would be J.P. He was only 11-of-18 for 83 yards, but one of those passes was a four-yard TD pass. Good enough to lead us to a 16-6 win over the Dolphins, but not good enough to get us anywhere near the Super Bowl. Losman is about as believable as a big-time quarterback as Ashton Kucher is as a Navy Seal."

Let's see, Buffalo can run, but not pass. The Jets can pass, but not run. In a low-scoring game, the defense gives the Bills the edge. Willis McGahee rushes for his first score of the year, and the Bills win, 19-16. O.J. Simpson roams the Buffalo sidelines looking for the "real killers," while Joe Namath prowls the New York side, looking for a date. Both leave empty-handed.

Tennessee @ Miami

Just a few weeks ago, Kerry Collins was on his farm in North Carolina when he got a phone call asking him to work out for the Titans. A few days later, he was signed and was soon named the Titans' starter. After Sunday's performance in San Diego, Collins' tenure as Tennessee's starting quarterback may have bought the farm.

"Apparently, Kerry seems more comfortable on a tractor than in the pocket," says Titans head coach Jeff Fisher. "His passer rating for the game was 1.3. That's right. One point three. You heard me right. Anyway, we've got our eyes on another farmer turned quarterback named John Deere. He's a little green, but we think he can fit right in."

Just to reiterate, Collins' rating was 1.3. That won't get you on the box of EA Sports Madden '07 video game. But it doesn't take much more. Miami's Daunte Culpepper stars in a Madden '07 commercial, but that must have been well before his first two games as a Dolphin, in which he has thrown 3 interceptions, suffered 10 sacks, and thrown only 1 touchdown pass.

"EA Sports. It's in the game," explains Culpepper. "And that's more than I can say about myself in the first two weeks. When I played that bad in Minnesota, Chris Carter slapped me around, and Randy Moss would keep saying 'Come on, dawg' until I snapped out of it. It's time I stepped up, or get slapped."

Collins will start on Sunday, which has to be the first time a quarterback posting a 1.3 rating has started his next game. If it gets any worse (can it?), then Vince Young will have to take over, since the Titans just traded third-stringer Billy Volek to the Chargers. I guess it's no surprise the Titans are 10½-point underdogs to an 0-2 team (by the way, 10½ is also the over/under on points scored this weekend by the United States Ryder Cup team).

Culpepper gets on track and throws two touchdown passes, and the Miami defense plows their way to five sacks.

Miami wins, 24-7.

Washington @ Houston

After Sunday night's 27-10 loss in Dallas, the 0-2 Redskins are faced with a must-win situation, needing a victory over the Texans to avoid an 0-3 hole.

"It's a good thing we're paying the Texans," says Washington running back Cinton Portis, wearing a mesh Waffle House cap, lipstick, and a Groucho Marx disguise, while calling himself 'Special K From Down the Way.' Who better to help us to our first win than the Oilers, or Texans, that is? It's not like we won't be returning the favor. We pin a loss on them, and they're one step closer to next year's number one pick. I would advise taking a running back."

Houston suffered its yearly beating in Indianapolis, this time with new head coach Gary Kubiak at the helm.

"I came over from Denver," says Kubiak, "so it's no surprise to me that I'm getting my tail kicked by the Colts. And speaking of Houston, and surprises, how about the breakup of Whitney Houston and Bobbie Brown? Of course, I'm not at all surprised by the breakup. I am, however, surprised that they both survived that marriage. I'm also surprised that the world's supply of crack survived that marriage."

Portis suits up for the Redskins, which is good news for Washington, because that means less passing for Mark Brunell. And that's less headache for Joe Gibbs. Portis rushes for a touchdown, and Sean Taylor returns an interception for a touchdown.

'Skins win, 24-13.

Baltimore @ Cleveland

The Ravens pulled off the unexpected last week: they gave up points to the Raiders. Six to be exact, on two Sebastian Janikowski field goals, the last of which a 51-yarder in the fourth quarter with the Raiders down 21-3.

"I understand what Art Shell was thinking," says Baltimore's Brian Billick. "Kick the field goal in that situation, and it's a 21-6 game. It's a 15-point game, which for the Raiders is a five-score deficit. A few onside kicks and four more field goals, and you're right back in it. Luckily, the Raiders have a bye week to sort out their problems, although a bye month would come in more handy."

Cleveland is 0-2, but coach Romeo Crenel is encouraged by the teams' effort.

"The effort is there," says Crenel, "but we just happen to be in what looks like the NFL's toughest division, the AFC North, in which three teams, Baltimore, Cincinnati, and Pittsburgh, are legitimate playoff contenders. We're neither legitimate nor contenders, and it doesn't help matters when Kellen Winslow opens his yap about how this team should be run. You're not at 'The U' anymore, Kellen. Look at me. Do I look like Larry Choker, or Coker, or whatever the coach's name is? Maybe after you've played more than four games in one season, you can talk to me. But for now, shut up, and try to be like your daddy — all production, no mouth."

Crenel's Browns put up a fight, but Baltimore's defense does what it does best — creating short fields that the Ravens offense can manage. Steve McNair throws for a short TD, and Matt Stover kicks three field goals.

Baltimore wins, 16-9.

N.Y. Giants @ Seattle

The Giants fought back from a 24-7 fourth quarter deficit to the Eagles, scoring 17 unanswered points and eventually winning in overtime on Eli Manning's 31-yard touchdown pass to Plaxico Burress. On the day, Manning passed for 371 yards and 3 touchdowns, statistics topped only by big brother Peyton's 400-yard, 3 touchdown performance in a win over the Texans.

"That's the story of my life," says Eli. "I'll never be the most famous Manning. Heck, I won't even be the most famous Eli. The inventor of the cotton gin, Eli Whitney, still gets more hits in Wikipedia than I do. It's cotton-picking not fair. Shoot, I can't even get in an ESPN commercial unless Peyton's in it. Dad gummit! His comic timing is impeccable."

Seattle's Matt Hasselbeck is not as commercial-savvy as Peyton Manning, but, if the price is right, he'll gladly hawk a product that combats male-pattern baldness. And he'll gladly visit your child's school, provided your child wins the NFL's "Take a Player to School" contest, and offers a limousine ride to-and-from the airport.

"That's the kind of guy I am," Hasselbeck replies.

If Hasselbeck watched the Gaints/Eagles game, he surely noticed that Donovan McNabb was able to pass at will against the Giants defense. And that's without Terrell Owens. Hasselbeck will have his new weapon Deion Branch at his disposal, and his trusty sidekick Shaun Alexander, as well. Seattle has too much offense, and a defense that will get to Eli Manning. Alexander scores 2 TDs, and Seattle wins, 23-14.

Philadelphia @ San Francisco

The Eagles blew a 24-7 fourth quarter lead to the Giants, then, in overtime, gave up a 31-yard touchdown pass from Eli Manning to Plaxico Burress. The Eagles lost despite sacking Manning eight times, and were constantly victimized by big plays. After going 0-6 in the division last year, the Eagles are now 0-1 against the East in 2006.

"Sure it was a devastating loss," says Donovan McNabb, signing a 'Get Well Soon, You Bitch' Hallmark card that will soon be in the mail to Terrell Owens, "but one we can overcome. This is the NFC East, by god. We could lose every division game and still win the East."

In San Francisco, quarterback Alex Smith is looking more and more like 49er great Joe Montana. At least, in the pictures in his locker in which he's pasted his head on Montana's body. But seriously, he does seem to be grasping Norv Turner's offense, and has a big target in Antonio Bryant.

"Last year, I was trying to live up to the likes of Montana and Steve Young," says Smith. "This year, I've set more attainable goals for myself, like living up to the likes of Jeff Garcia, Steve Spurrier, and Jim Plunkett."

The Eagles take an early lead, and don't blow it. McNabb throws for 2 touchdowns, and the Eagles win, 26-17. Afterwards, members of both teams join hands and celebrate the burial of an Owen's jersey at midfield.

St. Louis @ Arizona

It's an NFC West battle between 1-1 teams, with the winner getting the inside track to finishing four games back of the Seahawks at season's end. The Cards and Rams both dropped road games last week to division opponents Seattle and San Francisco, respectively.

"The NFC West gets no respect," says Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner. "But if you people would do you research, and maybe read the Bible occasionally, you'll see that the NFC West is the only division in the NFL in which all four teams have wins. Repent!"

"Hey, don't knock Kurt for his convictions," says Arizona backup QB Matt Leinart. "Each of us prepares differently for games. Kurt reads scripture, and I cover myself from head to toe with Axe Body Spray and down a can or two of Red Bull to combat the effects of the previous night's hangover. Then I try to remember who I hooked up with."

To each his own.

Rams' quarterback Marc Bulger has struggled this year, with only one touchdown pass so far. His struggles continue on Sunday, at the expense of go-to guy Torry Holt, who is planted on a crossing pattern by the Burger King, who then, in a touching display of sportsmanship, presents Holt with a charbroiled Double Whopper. The highlight is later replayed on NBC's Sunday Night Football, when Chris Collinsworth presents the 'McDonalds Quarter Pounder Breakdown', causing an awkward conflict of interest.

Warner has a big day against his former team, tossing three touchdowns, and the Cardinals win, 30-23.

Denver @ New England

Well, it looks like the Patriots are the class of the AFC East, again. With wins already over division foes the Bills and Jets, and with Miami sucking a large one, New England is on its way to another division crown. On Sunday night, the Patriots welcome the Broncos, with intentions of avenging last year's loss in the divisional playoffs.

"Someone once said, 'Revenge is a dish best served cold,'" says Tom Brady. "Maybe it was Edgar Allen Poe, or Bela Lugosi, or Eric Cartman. I don't know. But those words apply to my feelings about the Broncos. We will avenge last year's defeat in the playoffs at the hands of the Broncos. We hear all the talk about the Bell's, Denver's two-headed rushing attack, Mike and Tatum. But we have one of our own, Dillon and Maroney, Corey and Laurence. I know 'Corey and Laurence' sounds like two guys attending a snooty prep school for privileged honkies in upstate New York, but our guys our tougher than shoe leather and meaner than rattlesnakes."

Denver certainly doesn't look like the team that played in last year's AFC championship, and Jake Plummer definitely doesn't look like the quarterback that took them there. Well, he still looks like him, goofy and all, but he hasn't played like him. Plummer is 30th in the NFL in passer rating, at 39.2.

"I know I've played like dirt," says Plummer, "and it certainly is ironic that my pet terrier, which I named 'Jay Cutler,' seems to be nipping at my heels a lot lately. But I've dealt with my bad play by getting in my truck and terrorizing drivers on Denver highways. But, thanks to San Diego's Steve Foley, I'm no longer the AFC West's most dangerous driver. And thanks to Aaron Brooks, I'm not the West's worst quarterback."

You've got to believe that Plummer will improve his play against the Patriots. Otherwise, kicker Jason Elam will remain Denver's leading scorer. But the Patriots won't allow Plummer out of his slump on their watch. New England will take away the run and force Plummer to make the throws he has been unable to make so far. If this game took place in December in the snow, it would be a classic. But in September, there will be no snow angels, but the Patriots roll, 26-18.

Atlanta @ New Orleans

Jiminy crawdads! This game is for first-place in the NFC South! And it's on Monday night in prime time! And it's in the Superdome!

"And it's got working toilets," beams rookie Reggie Bush, announcing a scholarship fund that will help bring underprivileged kids to USC, a program he calls 'Trojan Ins.' "And it's a home game for the Saints. When's the last time they had one of those?"

The Saints may be the most surprising 2-0 team in football, but the Falcons' ability to rush the ball may be even more surprising. The lead the NFL in rushing with 558 yards.

"Wow! That is simply amazing! Spectacular! Breathtaking!" exclaims Michael Vick.

Yes, Michael, the Atlanta rushing attack is on pace to gain over 4,000 yards on the ground. You're right. It's unbelievable.

"No, I'm talking about the awesome pictures of Tiger Woods' wife in this sleazy Irish tabloid that was delivered directly to my post office box under the name Ronald O'Mexico."

Vick's backfield mate, Warrick Dunn, is the NFL's individual rushing leader, with 266 yards. After last Sunday's 134-yard performance against the Bucs, Dunn was named Michael Irvin's No. 1 playmaker on the Monday Night Football pregame show.

"That's great to hear," says a humbled Dunn. "To be named the No. 1 playmaker by the 'Playmaker' himself is quite an honor. Now, if I could just dress like the him. Hey, 'Playmaker,' where'd you get that jacket? It looked like a tablecloth from my grandmother's kitchen. Let me guess. You got it at 'Step 'N Style,' America's No. 1 upscale ghetto outfitter."

It will be an emotional return to the Superdome for the Saints, but the Falcons are clearly the better team right now. Sure, both teams are 2-0, but Atlanta has defeated two playoff teams from last year, while the Saints have beaten the Browns and Packers. New Orleans stays tough, but Vick and Dunn both score TDs, and the 46-year-old Morten Andersen kicks it old-school.

Atlanta wins, 23-16.