NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 2

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Buffalo @ Miami

Daunte Culpepper's knee certainly looked okay against the Steelers last Thursday, but his vision seemed to be a little off. Culpepper threw two interceptions, and threw two other passes that were nearly picked off by the Steelers. Apparently, Culpepper has trouble identifying big hitting safeties of Samoan descent who have more hair than the rest of the league combined.

"I think Daunte just held on to the ball too long on occasion," says Miami head coach Nick Saban. "It's the same problem I have with the red challenge flag — I don't know when to toss the darn thing. But, according to the league, when I want to challenge, I have the right to run on the field and toss it at the referee. Now, answer me this, NFL: if I have to do that, would it be okay to throw it a kick to the shin or a clothesline to aid in gaining the refs' attention?"

The Bills hung tough with the Patriots, eventually losing 19-17 when J.P. Losman was sacked in the end zone. It was basically Losman's only mistake in a mostly efficient effort in which he was 15-of-23 for 164 yards.

"Sure, that was his only mistake," says Buffalo head coach Dick Jauron, "but it was a huge one. That's like saying your only mistake during your driver's license road test was hitting a pedestrian."

Miami avoids an 0-2 hole with a 21-17 win. Culpepper throws a fourth-quarter touchdown pass to Chris Chambers for the winning score.

Carolina @ Minnesota

How much does Steve Smith mean to the Panthers?

"Ah, about $2.5 million a year," answers Carolina head coach John Fox. "I'd give him $5 million a year if he could block John Abraham."

For the second year in a row, the Panthers dropped a home season-opener to an NFC South division rival. Last year, they lost to the Saints; this year, Atlanta spanked Carolina 20-6. The Carolina offensive line was no match for Abraham, who sacked Jake Delhomme twice and pressured him on numerous other occasions.

"The blocking of our offensive line leaves a lot to be desired," says Delhomme, furiously massaging the aching hamstrings of his injured go-to man Smith. "I think Abraham had more trouble with blocking dummies in training camp than he did with our line."

The Vikings grabbed an all important road win in Washington with a 19-16 win over the Redskins. Brad Childress, in his first game as a head coach, toppled three-time Super Bowl champion Joe Gibbs.

"In Joe's defense," says Childress, "he had a lot on his mind, what with Tony Stewart not making the NASCAR Chase and Tom Cruise in the luxury box with Daniel Snyder. Snyder is quite gullible in front of celebrities, and Joe was worried that Cruise might fill his head with some crazy Scientology notions. Next thing you know, Snyder's canned Joe and John Travolta's coaching the 'Skins."

That would be a nightmare, but with Snyder, nothing's impossible. Speaking of nightmares, the Panthers face the nightmarish possibility of falling to 0-2 with a loss in the Metrodome. With or without Smith, the Panthers pull out the win. Brad Johnson is no Michael Vick, although Johnson has used the name "Ron Mexico" in Internet chat rooms before. Carolina's defensive line plays the Vikings' offensive line to a stalemate, and Keyshawn Johnson gets the damn ball eight times, including a score.

Panthers win, 19-14.

Cleveland @ Cincinnati

The Bengals' season got off to a great start last Sunday as they beat the Chiefs 23-10 at Arrowhead Stadium, always a tough place for a visiting team. Carson Palmer was sacked only once, and his knee held up in his first regular season game since the injury in January.

"But, wait," says Chris "The Perpetrator" Henry, "there's more good news. The new season of Cops started and not a single Bengal was on the show. And, my lawyer has given me a quantity discount on legal fees. Ain't life grand?"

Wow, Henry used the word "grand" in a sentence. Shouldn't he follow that with "larceny?"

Meanwhile, the Browns couldn't stop Reggie Bush, and lost to the Saints in Cleveland, 19-14.

"I smell trouble," says Browns head coach Romeo Crenel. "No, wait, that's me. Against the Saints, we only needed to stop one player, and couldn't do it. Against the Bengals, we'll have to stop several, kind of like the Cincinnati Police Department, but in a football sense. Can we do it?"

No, they can't. The Bengals are pumped as 1970s funk/R&B pioneers the Ohio Players sing a tricked-out version of the national anthem, while Reds great Pete Rose throws out the first bet. Palmer throws for 275 yards and two touchdowns, one to Chad Johnson, who finally debuts a new dance he's been waiting to unveil called the "Perp Walk." Rudi Johnson rushes for 112 yards and a score.

Bengals roll, 30-16.

Detroit @ Chicago

The Lions dropped a tough 9-6 loss at home to the defending NFC champion Seahawks on Josh Brown's game-winning 42-yard kick on the game's last play. There certainly is no shame in that, but there is shame in the tale of Detroit defensive line coach Joe Cullen, who was arrested on two separate occasions. Cullen was arrested for drunken driving, and previously was cited for obscene conduct when a fast food worker reported that Cullen was naked on a trip through the drive-through.

"I apologize," says a remorseful Cullen, "and I am embarrassed beyond belief. Not necessarily for the arrests, but mainly because when I went to the drive-through pay window naked, the clerk asked if I would like it 'biggie-sized.' I was humiliated."

"That would never happen to me," says Chicago head coach Lovie Smith, whose Bears shutout the Packers 26-0 at Lambeau Field. "I make it a point to always wear, at the very least, underwear when I frequent drive-throughs, unless it's the pick-up window at the red zone district."

The Bears aren't the only defense in the NFC North. If the Lions held last year's highest scoring team to nine points, then they should hold the Bears to nothing, or less, shouldn't they? They should, but the Detroit defense can't stop the Chicago defense from scoring.

It's a defensive battle for a half, then Jon Kitna feels the heat.

Bears win, 17-11.

Houston @ Indianapolis

Peyton Manning's Colts defeated Eli's Giants 26-21 in New York on NBC's Sunday Night Football in what was probably the week's most watched game. This week's game, against the Texans, won't be seen by nearly as many. And, if you don't live in the Indianapolis or Houston area and want to see the game, then you better have the Sunday Ticket.

"That is, if you like 6'5", 230-pound quarterbacks with laser, rocket-arms," says Manning, wearing a cheesy fake mustache for some reason. "Anyway, against the Texans, we have to execute on offense, and defensively, we have to keep an eye on Reggie Bush. That guys is very dynamic, and dangerous, and..."

Uh, Peyton, Bush doesn't play for the Texans. They drafted North Carolina State defensive end Mario Williams instead of Bush.

"Those morons!" replies a disgusted Manning. "Whose making draft decisions for those clowns? The same guy that drafted Sam Bouie ahead of Michael Jordan? Dad gum! You mean, I could have seen Bush twice a year, but instead, I have to watch this Williams guy try to put a hat on me?"

The Texans held an early lead on the Eagles, but faded and eventually lost, 24-10. Thus ended their hopes for an undefeated season. But there's still hope to go undefeated in the AFC South division, at least until kickoff Sunday.

Manning throws two touchdown passes and the Colts win, 31-20.

New Orleans @ Green Bay

Rookie Reggie Bush paid immediate dividends for the Saints, with 141 total yards, as the Saints left Cleveland's Dawg Pound with a 19-10 victory. Now, the Saints head to storied Lambeau Field, where they look to win their second straight road game, this time against Brett Favre and his bag of interceptions.

"A win, and we are truly road warriors," says Bush, finalizing a purchase in which he actually used his own money to buy his parents a house. "And, speaking of 'road warriors,' did you know that the son of the professional wrestler known as Road Warrior Animal is a star linebacker for the No. 1 ranked Ohio State Buckeyes?"

"I'm aware of that, Reggie," says Favre, drowning his sorrows in a Green bay strip club, surrounded by the most talented group of dancers he's ever seen, "and I've got three words for you: 'What a rush!' But what's all the fuss about Reggie Bush? That guy can't even outrun a Diet Pepsi machine."

The Green Bay defense holds Bush in check, and Favre hits Donald Driver for a fourth quarter TD as the Packers win, 22-20.

N.Y. Giants @ Philadelphia

If Donovan McNabb missed Terrell Owens, it didn't show last Sunday, as McNabb threw for 314 yards and three touchdowns, none to Owens, in the Eagles' 24-10 win over the Texans. McNabb threw TDs to three different recievers, including new acquisition Donte Stallworth.

"Donte's no T.O.," says McNabb. "Thank God. I won't lie to you. I don't miss T.O. I do, however, miss his receiving ability. But the closest he'll get to a reception is being on the receiving end of an open-handed slap. T.O. used to be my homey, used to be my ace. Now, I want to slap the taste out his mouth."

I wonder if McNabb realizes he just quoted a rap song from Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg?

"Hey, my name is 'Donovan,'" replies McNabb. "'Donovan's' don't listen to rap."

And neither does New York's resident control freak Tom Coughlin, at least not on purpose. Coughlin was not happy with the Giants' performance in a 26-21 loss to the Colts. Ten penalties, a lost fumble, and a Jay Feely missed field goal left the hardliner flustered.

"I don't like to name names," says Coughlin, "but Jay Feely better get his act together. Otherwise, we may have to outsource his job. There are plenty of qualified kickers available. Like Ali Haji-Sheikh. Sure, I know he's over in India charming snakes, but he's still got the leg to kick."

The Giants can't let the Eagles go up two games this early in the season. Jeremy Shockey has a big game with 100 yards receiving and a touchdown. Feely kicks three extra points, then brags to Coughlin that he scored the game-winning points.

Giants win, 24-21.

Oakland @ Baltimore

Can it get any worse for the Raiders? After being shutout 27-0 on Monday night by the Chargers, Oakland must travel to Baltimore to face the Ravens, who shutout the Buccaneers on Sunday. Could the Raiders suffer two shutouts in a row?

"No way, player," says Randy Moss. "The last time the Raiders were shut out in consecutive weeks, Al Davis had just turned 80. That was two decades ago, at least. But we'll turn it around. Art Shell has brought some discipline to this team, and it's bound to pay dividends. You know, Art looks like the physical education teacher you had in middle school. You know, the grumpy, out-of-shape bastard who thought he could teach you tumbling. The guy you hated, but still did what he said. The other day, Art told me to keep my afro pick in my pocket, and not in my hair. No other coach has ever told me to do anything. Art's got guts."

Early lines have the Ravens favored anywhere from 10 to 12 points, with the over/under ranging from 34 1/2 to 37. And the over/under on Oakland points is at 1/2, and falling.

It doesn't look good for Oakland. After managing only 129 total yards and surrendering nine sacks to the Chargers, the Raiders must face a re-energized Ravens defense. The presence of rookie nose tackle Haoti Ngata has freed Ray Lewis to roam the field and make hits with surgical precision. You know he wants a shot at Moss, so, Randy, here's a few words of advice: keep the afro. You might need the extra cushion.

The Raiders go down, but not without a fight. Randy Moss takes a swing at Jerry Porter after Porter is penalized for excessive celebration when Aaron Brooks is sacked for the fifth time.

Ravens roll, 30-3.

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

Tampa's Chris Simms suffered a painful outing against the Ravens last week, throwing for only 133 yards and three interceptions as the Bucs were shutout at home, 27-0.

"Can you fault me?" Simms replies. "I was heartbroken. My beloved Texas Longhorns got waxed by Ohio State. On top of that, Mack Brown was roaming the sidelines with a hideous cold sore. How am I supposed to pick apart the Ravens' defense with all that on my mind?"

Yeah, that was pretty disgusting. Your performance, that is. But not nearly as disgusting as hearing Warren Sapp, Chad Johnson, and Tony Gonzalez rap about NFL Replay on the NFL Network.

It took years, but Michael Vick finally scrapped the idea of calling himself a traditional quarterback and has embraced his true calling, a running quarterback who passes, with marginal results. You know, like Fran Tarkenton with twice the arm, but without about 28,000 yards passing and a gig hosting That's Incredible. Vick passed for 140 yards, but more importantly, rushed for 48 yards against the Panthers. It won't be that easy against the Bucs, who have the speed and the scheme to monitor Vick. Cadillac Williams gets in gear, rushing for a score, and Tampa Bay wins, 28-24.

Arizona @ Seattle

After defeating the 49ers last week, 34-27, the Cardinals must leave the cozy confines of the Pink Taco and head to Seattle's Qwest Stadium to face the Seahawks for a contest between undefeated NFC West foes. Edgerrin James had a solid debut as a Cardinal with 73 yards rushing and a touchdown, then later celebrated by attending church with Kurt Warner.

"Nah, I went clubbing," replies James. "My bling is not a welcome sight in a house of worship and, let's face it, I've got more gold in my mouth than the gold used by the Israelites to make that golden calf they worshipped that pissed Moses off. Moses got so mad that he became president of the National Rifle Association. That Moses guy, he's always mad at someone, whether it be the anti-gun lobby, the Egyptian King Ramses, or those damn, dirty apes."

New to the Seahawks is wide receiver Deion Branch, who was traded to Seattle by the Patriots after they refused to redo his contract.

"Is this how a Super Bowl most valuable player should be treated?" asks Branch. "Obviously, I'm not wanted in New England. I think my first order of business in Seattle is to go to the top of the Space Needle, face New England, and raise my middle finger."

"Hey, we just told Deion to go deep, very deep," says Belichick, giving Branch a cross-country throat slash gesture.

The Seahawks intercept Kurt Warner two times, and hold James to 45 yards rushing.

Seahawks win, 34-17.

St. Louis @ San Francisco

Rams kicker Jeff Wilkins nailed six field goals to account for all of the Rams' scoring in their 18-10 upset over the Broncos, which can tell you only one thing about the St. Louis offense.

"What? We have a good kicker?" replies Rams coach Scott Linehan.

Okay, two things. Your red zone touchdown percentage is zero. For a while there, I thought Wilkins was Arizona kicker Neil Rackers. But, your defense is much better. They held the Broncos to 259 total yards, and only 98 passing. But can they stop Alex Smith of the 49ers, currently fourth in the league in passing yardage.

"It's not going to be easy," says Rams corner back Corey Chavous. "What other quarterback in the league can say they matched their touchdown passes from all of last year in just one game? Not Peyton Manning, because he didn't throw for 28 TDs against the Giants last week. Only Alex Smith can make that claim. He threw for one score last week, which was exactly his season total from last year."

The Rams force Smith back to his old self — throwing interceptions. Torry Holt catches a TD pass, and Steven Jackson rushes for a score.

Rams win, 20-14.

Kansas City @ Denver

Trent Green and Jake Plummer both experienced rough outings last Sunday in losses. Green was 11-of-15 for 90 yards before taking a vicious hit from Cincinnati line Robert Geathers, while Plummer threw three interceptions, lost a fumble, and was sacked four times by the Rams.

"Hey, at least I can't remember my day," says Green, in a support group meeting with fellow concussionaires Dan Morgan and Eric Lindros. "Is it a surprise that I was hit by a Bengal? That dude must have been running from the law. I don't think he even saw me. Now, Jake, on the other hand, played like he was in last year's AFC Championship Game. And he's got full memory of that performance. If he needs a reminder, I'm sure Mike Shanahan will remind him, whether it be verbally or with a red-faced, vein-popping glare. Or, he can introduce him to Jay Cutler."

On the bright side for the Broncos, they did rush for 161 yards against the Rams. And when was the last time the Chiefs stopped a strong rushing attack, without the involvement of the effervescent Hank Stram?

This is the Broncos, at home, coming off a loss, against a division rival, who will start a new quarterback. What do you think the Broncos' game plan will be? Stop Larry Johnson and force Damon Huard to beat them? Sounds good to me.

Denver wins, 27-14.

New England @ N.Y. Jets

One game into the season, and already a huge AFC East showdown is set to take place in the Meadowlands, as Bill Belichick's Patriots visit Eric Mangini's Jets. On the line: first place in the East, and bragging rights to the title of most talented, yet most slovenly-dressed coach in the league.

"Before the season," says Jets quarterback Chad Pennington, "so many people had written us off as the worst team in the East. But look at us now. We're playing for first place in the division already. And here I am on the cover of the New York Post with a headline reading 'Armed and Dangerous.'"

The Patriots, as often is the case, always find a way to win, whether it be with a safety of J.P. Losman, as was the case last week, or when a referee makes a questionable call that favors them, then the NFL later writes a rule to justify the questionable call.

"You must be referring to the 'Tuck Rule,'" says Tom Brady. "You people won't let that die, will you? And Charles Woodson won't stop calling me. Anyway, Chad Pennington is a limp-armed candy boy, and I'll show all those maniac fans in the Meadowlands that they've got their hopes way too high already."

True to his word, Brady leads the charge, throwing for two touchdowns, one to rookie Laurence Maroney. Pennington's last ditch Hail Mary from midfield falls incomplete at the 25-yard line as time expires.

New England wins, 17-10.

Tennessee @ San Diego

The Chargers shutout the punchless Raiders 27-0 in the second game of the Monday Night Football doubleheader. The win marked a successful starting debut for second-year quarterback Philip Rivers, who was 8-of-11 for 108 yards and a touchdown.

"We wanted to ease Philip into the position," says San Diego coach Marty Schottenheimer. "We didn't want to make things too difficult for him, and neither did the Raiders apparently. But Philip passed with flying colors. Now comes the real test: surviving a ride home with Steve Foley."

Vince Young might not be too far away from starting for the Titans after Kerry Collins' 17-of-38, 223 yard, two-interception game last Sunday.

"I think his blood alcohol content was higher than his completion percentage," notes Young, adjusting the Under Armour brand skull cap on his head for maximum comfort. "Coach Fisher, give me the ball."

Vince, I really don't think you want your first NFL start to come against the Chargers, who sacked Aaron Brooks nine times last Monday. So sit back and watch Collins take the abuse.

It's not pretty. Young relieves Collins with the Titans down 24-0, then leads them on an eight-yard scoring drive.

Chargers win, 24-7.

Washington @ Dallas

Bill Parcells is concerned. At the possibility of going 0-2 and not having Terrell Owens to blame?

"No, not that," says Parcells. "I'm talking about the end of the world as we know it. The NFL's all-time leading rusher, Emmitt Smith, is appearing on Dancing With The Stars. Also on the show is talk show trash master Jerry Springer, which kind of piques my interest in the show. With Springer there, we're guaranteed to see some boobs we don't want to, a few fights, and the 'Jerry! Jerry!' chant."

"You called, Bill?" says Jerry Jones, popping his head around the corner.

As is the case every year, the Cowboys have the most unreliable kicking game in the league. Mike Vanderjagt has an injured hamstring, is still a Canadian, and is already in Parcell's doghouse. Backup kicker Shaun Suisham missed a field goal that irritated Parcells even more.

Redskins coach Joe Gibbs sees this situation as an opportunity.

"Vanderjagt and Suisham?" says Gibbs. "Sounds like a law firm. Actually, it sounds like two pansy kickers. We'll give the Cowboys all the field goal tries they want. We may not even defend them. Maybe those guys should slice off the end of their kicking shoes and kick straight on, like my man Mark Moseley did for me. Or, they could slice half their foot off, and kick it like my man Tom Dempsey did."

Unfortunately for Gibbs, it's the Washington kicking game that falters. John Hall misses a 49-yard attempt as time expires, preserving a 21-18 Cowboys win.

Pittsburgh @ Jacksonville

"Mission accomplished!" says a proud Jack Del Rio, carving a notch in his bedpost signifying his conquest of Bill Parcells, while on the other side of the bed, his wife does the same. "If Dallas makes the Super Bowl, then we're halfway to our goal of beating the two representatives in this year's Super Bowl. And, if we beat Pittsburgh and they return to the Super Bowl, then we will have done in two games what it took us an entire year to do in 2005."

Good grief, JDR, I explained this to you last week. If you beat the two representatives of the Super Bowl, that means you don't make the Super Bowl. Is that really what you want as your goal?

"Hey, don't rain on my parade," says Del Rio.

Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and safety Troy Polamalu are both listed as questionable for Monday night's game in Jacksonville. And the reliability of that injury report is listed as doubtful. And Bill Cowher's jaw is listed as "prominent," while the likelihood that he will accidently spit on someone is "probable."

"What are you doing?" Cowher inquires. "Asking questions to a Magic Eight Ball?"

It is decidedly so, you fool.

If you like crippling hits and brutal physicality, then you should be watching UFC Unleashed, or you should be in jail. If you like crippling hits, brutal physicality, and football, then you should enjoy this game.

Jeff Reed's three field goals lead the Steelers to a 16-14 win.