Morris from San Diego, CA asks, "Has the Little League World Series lost a bit of its youthful integrity as a result of last Sunday's incident involving a player swearing and then getting slapped by his coach?"
What's this? Someone saying the "F" word and getting slapped? Is this the new season of The Sopranos? Mel Gibson on a bender? Ozzie Guillen ordering one of his pitchers to hit an opposing batter? None of the above. This is little league baseball taken to the next level, and if you don't like it, you gosh-darned better get used to it, you cotton-pickin', dad-burned piece of freaking trash. Excuse my language.
In case you're not a fan of rated R youth sports, you may have missed the Staten Island, NY player implore his team to score one more #$%&*@ run in the sixth inning of a dad-gummed close 1-0 game. His coach responded with a quick slap to the player — the player's parents quickly responded with a lawsuit. Actually, the parents haven't sued, yet. But you know they will, citing the ridiculous "humiliation on national television" reasoning.
As if being a child and cursing on national TV isn't enough humiliation, the player was soon after offered a role in Quentin Tarantino's next film. Both player and coach apologized for their actions on Monday, and little league administrators warned that repeat violations may result in suspensions. Meanwhile, all of the hundreds of little leaguers who have uttered the "F" word during games expressed regret that they weren't able to do so on live television. They also stated that if their coach slapped them, they would get aluminum of his ass.
But seriously, folks, just because some foul-mouthed kid let slip the most profane of language doesn't mean the Series has lost any integrity. Nor does the fact that his coach gave him a back-handed reprimand. In fact, the incident will increase the integrity of the Series. All ears will be on those kids to make sure they don't curse, and players will probably have to complete some silly "language sensitivity" course before they're allowed to play. Like I stated before, some of these kids have said the "F" word countless times. That doesn't make them bad kids. Heck, I was dropping the "F" bomb in the sixth grade, but I was wise enough not to do it on camera, or in front of any authority figures.
Anyway, you know that little league administrators, in their winter meetings somewhere in Florida, will enact some strict language initiative stating that any player heard saying any form of profanity will be kicked out of the game. Fair enough, right? I'm sure the kids will be all right with it. They probably get plenty of cussing in while playing their Xboxes and PlayStations, or while repeating their favorite lines from South Park, or while reciting their fave rap song. By game time, they're probably all cussed out.
But someone, maybe a parent, maybe some nerdy lawyer, will file a complaint in a court of law, demanding that these kids not have their freedom of speech infringed upon. And you know what? They'll likely win, and little leaguers will again have the undeniable right to curse at games. Hell yeah! And really, isn't that why we all watch little league baseball ... to see a 12-year-old curse? It's just too bad I don't understand any other languages besides English. Those international players have filthy mouths, but since few of us in America understand, it doesn't matter. And if ESPN had not televised Sunday's incident, we wouldn't be talking about it. But we are, and I've got one thing to say: I'm proud to be an American, dammit.
Davey from Johnson City, TN writes, "Tennessee Titans' mascot T-Rac drove his golf cart into New Orleans Saints' fourth-string quarterback Adrian McPherson, injuring McPherson's knee. The NFL decided not to sanction the Titans for the incident. What kind of message does this send to the rest of the league?"
Here's the message it sends: if your team's mascot has trouble operating a golf cart, then he should be sent in the direction of the opposing team's first-string quarterback, not the fourth-string. What good does disabling the fourth-stringer do? He's not going to make the team anyway. I'm sure the Saints were thinking, "Hey, T-Rac, where were you last year? You could have ran over Aaron Brooks and we wouldn't have complained one bit."
By the way, what is "T-Rac?" Is he a dinosaur? Is he a rapper? Neither? He's a raccoon? You don't say? Why do the Titans have a raccoon as a mascot? A raccoon is by no means "titanic." In fact, a raccoon is nothing more than a glorified rodent, just a lot cooler because it has human-like hands and likes to wash its food. And when is the last time a raccoon was last spotted in the Memphis area? If you answered "flatter than a dime on Interstate 40," then you are correct.
But onto more important matters. Professional sports team mascots generally are a no-driving bunch. And it's no wonder. It's hard to drive when your head is way too big for your body, and the only way to see is to look through your mouth. But, why not take advantage of something like T-Rac's poor driving skills. If T-Rac needs targets, here's a few.
Terrell Owens — Hey, T-Rac. There's T.O. He's pedaling like a madman, but he's not going anywhere. Do Bill Parcells a favor, and plow that runaway golf cart into T.O.'s stationary bike, and knock him all the way into practice.
Floyd Landis — T-Rac, meet Floyd. Floyd, meet T-Rac. Floyd, meet T-Rac's gof cart. It's fueled by an outrageously high octane-rated gasoline, naturally produced, by the way. And if Landis accuses you of hitting him, just deny it to the very end.
Tiger Woods — Nothing against Tiger, T-Rac, but if you wiped out Woods when he least expected, while he was leading a tournament, you would do the rest of the PGA a favor — by giving other golfers a chance to win a major. And I'm sure Jack Nicklaus would love to be in the seat next to you when you left Woods with a bad "lie."
Mark Wahlberg — T-Rac, you know Marky Mark, right? The ex-rapper who played Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights? Are we supposed to believe he's a NFL football player? I don't think so. Isn't he about 5'3"? I also hear he has an entire wardrobe of coonskin clothing. Leave some tire tracks on him.
Bryant Gumble — T-Rac, you're a raccoon. I'm sure some of your kin have been on a leash before. Gumble seems to think NFL Players Association head Gene Upshaw was on former commissioner Paul Tagliabue's leash. I've seen Upshaw in a leash before, and let me tell you, he wasn't being led around by Commissioner Tagliabue. It was Upshaw's favorite dominatrix, who also happens to be a Raider season ticket holder. If Gumble is ran over by a golf cart and knocked down a black hole, I don't think anyone would miss him.
Sports Q&A will take a brief hiatus due to the start of the NFL season. Don't miss my NFL weekly predictions beginning Tuesday, September 5th. Sports Q&A will return in February of 2007.
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