That I've been asked my thoughts on Tony Kornheiser's "Monday Night Football" debut this week more than Greg Anderson has been asked about testifying against Barry Bonds indicates an undeniable interest in the new ESPN booth.
My first answer is universally the same and obviously contrarian: that I believe the "Monday Night Football" franchise is effectively dead, having moved from broadcast TV to cable. Even in this electronically-segregated society, we are still creatures of television viewing habits, just like our parents. There's simply no other explanation for some of the most captivating, well-written programs on television — which happen to be on cable television — getting a fraction of the ratings that broadcast shows featuring dancers in tight pants, singers with bad voices, and news specials using hidden cameras to punk sexual predators receive.
I believe we've become so slothful a society that pushing a few buttons to go from HBO to the local 11 PM news has become too arduous a task — better to just leave on whatever crap that runs from 10-11 PM on NBC until some dude in a cheap suit, blow-dried hair, and a mutant smile tells us about the next item we can no longer safely bring aboard a 747. (At this rate, how long before they take away our Constitutional right to carry snakes on a plane?)
(Which, based on a sold-out 10 PM screening here in DC, is one of my top five movie-going experiences of all-time. See "Snakes on a Plane" with a crowd, people. A young, drunk crowd.)
The bottom line is that NBC's Sunday Night Football is the new "MNF," and I think the ratings will bear that out this season. If they don't, and ESPN's new franchise outdraws NBC's, many will point to the gravitas of its history or the quality of its games. I, on the other hand, will give credit where credit is due: I will direct all tributes to Tony Kornheiser.
There's no doubt he's created buzz, based not only on his presence in the booth, but on his well-reviewed debut this week. (Well, save for the back-stabbing the Washington Post gave its most famous sports columnist — with friends like these...) I used to think he was "famous for ESPN," but it appears his appeal has spilled over into the mainstream in a way that the utter disaster of his biographical sitcom on CBS didn't indicate. People know him.
But do they like him?
That's beside the point. He's not likable — he's a curmudgeonly cynic that needs sidekicks to humanize him, like Andy Pollin on his radio show and Michael Wilbon on the television show. There's zero warmth coming from Kornheiser, but that's his shtick. He's not the guy you want to have a beer with — he's the guy your friend brought along who makes you laugh by tearing down others, but annoys the crap out of you every time he complains about the climate in the bar or the size of his chair — which is often.
I was looking for that persona on his "MNF" debut and didn't see it, save for his annoyance at the end of the game, bemoaning the sudden realization that overtime could be looming. The rest of the time, cynicism was replaced by normalcy. His comments were obvious, pedestrian — the sort of insights any football fan that's logged more than three seasons watching the sport can spew off the top of his head. Maybe it was nerves. Maybe it was the material he was working with on the field. Or maybe his improv skills just aren't that sharp when covering unfolding action rather than analyzing yesterday's news.
Kornheiser also wasn't funny. He made me laugh three times during the game: that overtime lament, a line about the Raiders coaches being a better offensive line than the actual Raiders offensive line, and answering "Barcelona" when asked where He Hate Me played his XFL ball. The majority of the comedy bits were strained, the punchlines innocuous and disposable. His lowest point came when he was fed a viewer-submitted question about team nicknames (i.e. "Purple People Eaters") that he immediately deemed too difficult and then passed to his booth mates, for whom comedy is an undiscovered country.
Kornheiser was at his best when providing needles for Joe Theismann's Thanksgiving Parade-sized balloons, but that can only carry you so far — if the trend continues, this booth is going to sound like a revamp of the Theismann/Paul Maguire Wars of ESPN's Sunday night games. Hopefully, Mike Tirico is a better debate moderator than he is a football play-by-play man.
I'm not going to pass judgment on Kornheiser until I hear him handle a tight game between division rivals in the fourth quarter. Bring something to the table then and these humble beginnings are forgiven. What's exciting about the guy is that he's avoided being pigeonholed into a traditional "football booth" role. Some people think he's the comic relief. Others think he's the hired gun to say outrageous (yet honest) things that the ex-players would never say. The fact is that he's a little of both, and I hope he remains that way.
But what he needs to do, and in turn what ESPN needs to do, is to build up some football credibility during the broadcast. The network seemed content with tossing Kornheiser out there as Mr. Sports Expert without ever having to establish that expertise. Is there another color commentator in the NFL with such little credibility? Even Randy Cross has more than Kornheiser begins with.
It's an easy fix: have Tony interview some pros during the game, showing he can hang with the big boys. Have him drop a few more names, have him reference a few more games he's written about for the Post. Establish him as a football guy — even if, in reality, he's just a basketball guy masquerading as one — because otherwise all you have is the second coming of Dennis Miller.
Comparisons to Miller were inevitable, and now they're unavoidable after Kornheiser showed the same kind of flair for the obvious that Miller showed in his "MNF" work. Kornheiser is destined to be better for several reasons, like having more clearly defined standards from the network, knowing the game better, and not feeling the need to compare a running back's ankle being taped to Christo enveloping the Pont Neuf (an actual Miller reference on the air). Like I wrote in "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer," how could Miller and ABC not know that his humor wasn't going to fly with a mainstream audience that still giggles at the name Marion Butts?
There's no revisionist history on Miller — he was a disaster.
But I think it's time we give Lisa Guerrero a well-deserved apology.
You remember her, right? She was hired to replace Melissa Stark on "MNF" after a stellar career that included playing "Volunteer Bimbo" in "Batman Returns." Sideline reporters are useless enough, and that Guerrero didn't really know all that much about football (or speaking without reading her notes or the benefit of the teleprompter) elevated uselessness into an art form.
Or so we thought. Her most infamous moment came after the 2003 season-opener between the New York Jets and the Washington Redskins, a team that had raided the Jets for several free agents in the offseason. One of those signings was wide receiver Laveranues Coles. When Guererro approached Redskins quarterback Patrick Ramsey after his team's win over the Jets, she said: "I saw you talking to Laveranues Coles, your ex-teammate (before the game.) What did he say to you?"
Ramsey didn't have an answer, because Coles had just joined the Redskins and Ramsey had never played for the Jets. When Guererro again asked about his ex-teammates on the Jets, Ramsey gave whatever reply he could muster while ABC Sports executives drowned themselves in pity scotch.
Guererro was fired by ABC the following spring, which is a shame in hindsight.
Patrick Ramsey is now a Jets backup quarterback.
Laveranues Coles is the team's starting wide receiver.
We were all calling Lisa Guerrero a moron, and it turns out the girl can actually PREDICT THE FUTURE.
Apologies, Lisa. My e-mail's at the end of the column if you want to send over next week's Mega Millions numbers.
Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington, DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book is "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History." His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
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