Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson finished sixth at Pocono for his 16th top-10 finish of the year. Johnson now leads Matt Kenseth by 97, and leads his next closest pursuer, Jeff Burton, by 318.
"I thought the Lowe's versus Home Depot feud way back in February at Daytona was a great storyline," says Johnson. "But it doesn't even compare to the Depot versus Depot war that is currently brewing between Tony Stewart and Carl Edward's Office Depot team. The fence climber versus the back flipper. Personally, I want to see some blood."
2. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth was first at Pocono — the first Ford across the finish line. But that was only good enough for 14th in the Pennsylvania 500. That left Kenseth 97 points behind Johnson in the Nextel Cup points standings.
"That can't be good for sales of the Fusion," Kenseth comments. "I think it's time Ford brought back the Galaxy 500. What a car! Anyway, it was good to see my teammate Carl Edwards retaliate immediately when he felt he was wronged by Tony Stewart. That's more than I can say for myself. I still plan to avenge myself in the Jeff Gordon incident. Of course, when I do, people may forget what I'm avenging in the first place."
3. Jeff Burton — If NASCAR gave an award for consistency, Burton would surely be in the running. With his ninth in the Pennsylvania 500, he currently holds a streak of 14 straight results inside the top 20. Burton remains third in the points, 318 out of first and a virtual lock for the Chase.
"There's so many drivers out there changing teams and looking for new rides," says Burton. "Not me. I'm happy here with Richard Childress Racing. However, I do covet the Wonder Bread sponsorship that is sure to follow on the heels of Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby."
4. Kevin Harvick — Harvick collected his third-straight top-five finish with a fifth at Pocono, and won the Busch series Goody's 250 a day earlier in Martinsville, where he held off teammate Clint Bowyer for the win.
"Poor Clint," says Harvick. "First, Richard Childress calls during Saturday's Busch race and tells Clint not to pass me. Then, on Sunday, he's wrecked by that ornery Tony Stewart. I'm sure he wanted to whip Richard's tail as much as he did Tony's. Of course, Tony's backed down and taken responsibility for the entire wreck. Or, at least his public relations people did so by issuing a statement on his behalf. Who in their right mind would believe that Stewart would apologize for anything? Not me."
5. Jeff Gordon — Gordon ran among the leaders at Pocono Raceway last Sunday, and used shrewd pit strategy to overcame a setback caused by a lugnut to finish third. He holds on to number nine in the points, and is enjoying a bit a momentum heading into the Brickyard 400 on August 7th.
"Can't we all just get along?" asks Gordon. "I think I saw more black flags on Sunday than yellow. Even when Carl Edwards is angry, he's still smiling. He's got teeth to spare. Next time Carl feels the need to do a back flip, he should land on Tony. I think they call that a 'moonsault' in the world of professional wrestling. You know, Tony kind of favors the 'Big Show,' only much smaller."
6. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin completed the season double sweep at Pocono, duplicating his pole-to-checkered win last month in the Pocono 500. Hamlin led 151 of 200 laps, and jumped four places into the points to eighth, 425 out of first.
"Gosh, it seems like only a month ago I was winning the first time in Pennsylvania," says Hamlin. "Wait a minute, it was only a month ago. I don't know what's easier: lapping the field at Pocono on my Play Station or sweeping both races at the track in a real car. Those video games are so realistic it's like really driving the car. It's lacking one thing, though: drivers fighting. Maybe they'll add that feature to the next game."
7. Tony Stewart — Stewart provided nearly all of the drama in an otherwise boring race with his run-in with Clint Bowyer that collected Carl Edwards. Bowyer slid up the track and bumped Stewart (or did he?), and Stewart retaliated by bumping Bowyer, who spun and was hit by Edwards.
"I understand I have a few guys looking for me," says Stewart. "Well, I drive an orange car, I'm somewhat chubby, and I climb fences. In other words, I'm not hard to find. Just look for the guy in the top 10."
Just a word of advice, Tony. If you find yourself in a fistfight with Edwards, aim for the teeth. You can't miss.
8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 12th at Pocono, and, unlike some other drivers, has learned to control his emotions after some early season flare-ups. He maintains fourth in the points, 357 behind teammate Jimmi Johnson's lead.
"Now for a much needed week off," says Busch. "Rest, relaxation, and the chance to see a young lady make the biggest mistake of her life by marrying my brother Kurt. I'm really looking forward to the wedding, though. I get to throw rice at them. Anytime I get the chance to throw something at someone, I take it."
9. Kasey Kahne: Kahne was in 13th place and charging when engine problems surfaced on lap 190 and turned a potential top-ten finish into a disappointing 31st. Kahne has only finished inside the top 10 on one occasion in the last five races, and now sits in seventh in the points, 424 out of first.
"It's a good thing you don't have to be in the top 10 in points and within 400 points of the leader to make the Chase," says Kahne. "Otherwise, there'd only be about four or five guys in the Chase. Personally, I think NASCAR should adjust the format to reverse the order of Chase qualifiers when the Chase starts. For example, whomever finishes 10th would start the Chase with a points lead over everyone else. The top qualifier for the Chase would start 10th. The battle for that tenth position is already quite interesting; this new format would make it even better."
10. Mark Martin — On a difficult day for Roush Racing, Martin was the second-highest finisher on the team, coming home 19th. The result dropped him one place in the points to sixth, where he trails Jimmie Johnson by 382 points.
"And now for my take on the Tony Stewart situation," says Martin. "Tony says that all these rookie drivers need to know their place. What a week to make such a statement. A rookie, Denny Hamlin, won the race, and also won at Pocono back in June. Tony's right, though. If Dale Earnhardt, Sr. was still around, he would straighten out these rogue drivers. And Tony would be the first one he put over his knee for a good spanking."
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