Secrets of the 2006 NFL Season

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

■ Prior to ESPN's first Monday Night Football broadcast, former Jets quarterback Joe Namath, in a state of merry inebriation, asks announcer Tony Kornheiser for a kiss. Surprisingly, Kornheiser obliges, and plants one on Joe Willie.

"Take that, Suzy Kolber!" Kornheiser exclaims.

"Take that, Michael Wilbon!" adds Namath.

■ Bolstered by the success of his Inta Juice franchise in Charleston, West Virginia, Raiders wide receiver Randy Moss decides to expand to the coffee business as well. He opens a Starbucks in Oakland, where he offers twists on the usual Starbucks fare, such as the "Latte Datte (We Like to Party)," the "Mad Skillz Mocha," the "Pop-A-Capacinno," and the house specialty, the "Ghetto Blaster," black coffee topped with a shot of Olde English 800 malt liquor.

■ Denver quarterback Jake Plummer, on a United Airlines flight from Denver to Baltimore, flies into a fit of air rage when his request for Snakes on a Plane as his in-flight movie is denied by a stewardess, who tells him that the movie is still out in theaters and not available. An irate Plummer gives her the finger, and later apologizes when he realizes that he mistakingly requested Snakes on a Plane instead of Snake's on a Plane, the story of Jake Plummer on a plane.

■ On a sweltering 115-degree day in the Arizona Cardinals' home-opener on September 10th, the air conditioning in the Cards' brand new stadium malfunctions. Newly-acquired running back Edgerrin James rushes for 124 yards and a touchdown in the Cards' 26-17 win over San Francisco. However, the extreme heat causes James' gold teeth to melt, necessitating the running back to apply an ice pack to his mouth.

■ Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry is told to run an out-and-up in a seven-on-seven drill in training camp. Then, to the surprise of, well, no one, Henry pulls a .40 caliber handgun from his waistband and waves it in the air. Henry then spikes the team's Gatorade with Bacardi 151 and offers drinks to a group of middle school cheerleaders visiting practice.

■ In the Cowboys weight room early in training camp, new Dallas wide receiver Terrell Owens, preparing to bench press 350 pounds, jokingly asks coach Bill Parcells to "spot me." Parcells, who up until then had never seen the inside of a weight room, points at Owens and says, "There you are. See, I just spotted you."

■ After practice one day in August, Arizona quarterback Kurt Warner asks rookie quarterback Matt Leinart about the intricacies of the naked bootleg and the deep ball. Giggling like a schoolgirl, Leinart, with photos of Paris Hilton and assorted other floozies, explains the ins and outs to an attentive Warner, who blushes a deep shade of red and then asks the Lord for forgiveness.

■ At an NFL awards ceremony in February, Baltimore running back Jamal Lewis walks away with the 2006 NFL Most Valuable Player Trophy, but he is stopped by police and charged with larceny, and the trophy is given to its intended recipient, Peyton Manning.

■ Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson, exploiting a loophole in the NFL's new and more stringent rules on celebration, scores in Cincinnati's home-opener against the Browns, then points to the stadium video screen. The big screen plays back a pre-recorded video, rated R (parents strongly cautioned), featuring Johnson and several Bengals cheerleaders. The video features full-frontal nudity, an end zone pylon, one marriage proposal, and multiple indecent proposals.

■ In his return to New England, this time as a member of the Indianapolis Colts, kicker Adam Vinatieri nails a 51-yard game-winner as time expires. For the first time in his life, Peyton Manning hugs a kicker, then asks Vinatieri, "You're not Canadian, are you?"

■ On November 19th in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, the Toronto Argonauts win the 94th CFL Championship. Running back Ricky Williams, serving a one-year drug suspension from the NFL, proudly hoists the Grey Cup, and comments that "this is the first time in about four years that I've held a cup that didn't contain my urine."

■ New Raiders head coach Art Shell, intent on instilling much-needed discipline in Oakland, names Randy Moss and Warren Sapp co-captains. Then after both Moss and Sapp arrive two hours late for a meeting/domino tournament they scheduled, a fed-up Shell strips them of their captainships, and names Sebastian Janikowski captain.

■ On their way to make separate public service announcements on motorcycle safety, the limousines transporting Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and Cleveland tight end Kellen Winslow III collide at an intersection in New York City. With their limousines disabled, Roethlisberger and Winslow are forced to hitchhike. Luckily, two mail couriers on mopeds offer rides, and the two football stars accept. When one of the mopeds reaches 15 mph on a downhill, Roethlisberger begs the driver to slow down.

■ The California-based rock band POD's song Lights Out, featuring the line, "Lights out, game over, if you want to, you can check my stats" becomes the unofficial theme song of fantasy football. Then, just as sudden as the song's rise to fame, it becomes uncool when ESPN broadcaster Stuart Scott uses that line 78 times in a single one-hour Monday Night Football pre-game broadcast.

■ After Dallas kicker Mike Vanderjagt shanks a 28-yard field goal as time expires in a 23-21 loss to the Giants on October 23rd, Cowboys coach Bill parcells presents the former Indianapolis kicker with a tiara, evening gown, a scepter, and a sash, thereby crowning Vanderjagt "Miss Field Goal."

■ The Colts beat the Dolphins to win the AFC Championship, and face the Panthers in the Super Bowl. With 11:29 left in the first quarter, Indy quarterback Peyton Manning realizes he has met his season goal: to spend more time in the Super Bowl than he has in commercials for DirectTV's Sunday Ticket.

■ In what is possibly the greatest rookie prank ever perpetrated, several Steeler veterans hire actors to portray FBI agents, who then pretend to arrest rookie Santonio Holmes on a variety of charges. Holmes spends three days in jail before he realizes it's just a prank.

■ At half-time of Super Bowl XLI at Miami's Dolphin Stadium, Rolling Stones' guitarist Keith Richards falls uninjured out of a palm tree in front of the stadium, then joins Fall Out Boy on stage at midfield for a rollicking two-tune set.

■ Delanie Walker, the sixth pick of the sixth round in the 2006 NFL draft, catches six passes for 66 yards in San Francisco's 24-14 loss to the Bears in their first preseason game. Walker is then suspended for the regular season's first four games as a result of violating the league's anti-christing policy.

■ After five years, Michael Vick finally fully grasps the West Coast offense, and he credits Falcons coach Jim Mora, quarterbacks coach Bill Musgrave, and himself, for ultimately realizing that "you can be on the East Coast and still run the West Coast offense."

■ A Carolina Panthers fan from Fuquay-Varina, NC sues the NFL Network for extreme mental distress after he becomes stuck in his couch on Thanksgiving night. It seems the fan was not accustomed to watching 11 straight hours of football, during which he consumed two turkey dinners. He blamed the NFL Network's airing of the Denver/Kansas City game for his dilemma, as he was used to watching only two games on Thanksgiving. The NFL Network settles in court by issuing an apology and giving the man a signed Rich Eisen coffee mug.

■ Carolina receivers Steve Smith and Keyshawn Johnson host a game show called Give Me the Damn Ball!. On the show, two contestants try, by any means necessary, to convince a quarterback to throw them the ball, as well as piss as many people off as possible.

■ Cincinnati wide receiver TJ Houshmandzadeh, in the middle of his best season ever, has his numerous bank accounts frozen in October when the Department of Homeland Security finds his last name on a watch list for terrorist activity.

■ New NBC studio analyst Jerome Bettis joins Sunday Night Football announce team members Al Michaels and John Madden in the booth at half-time of the October 8th Pittsburgh at San Diego game. After a spell of labored breathing, Michaels uses a five gallon bucket of lard to grease up and extract himself from the booth.

■ Former professional figure skater Tonya Harding, working on behalf of Cincinnati backup quarterback Anthony Wright, tries to take a steel pipe to the injured left knee of Carson Palmer. Harding never even gets near Palmer, as her ploy fails miserably when she attempts to pose as a Bengals' cheerleader to gain entry into the stadium. A security guard stops Harding and denies her entry when she fails an "ugly" test.

■ Vikings cornerback Fred Smoot, not ready to give up chartered sex cruises, organizes another excursion. This time, however, he wisely charters a boat that employs only blind people.

■ All four teams in the NFC North finish with 8-8 records. After several tie-breaking procedures are exhausted, the Vikings are awarded the division crown by virtue of a "Paper-Rock-Scissors Battle Royale," the NFL's 23rd four-way tiebreaker.