While reading through the ancient baseball scrolls hidden away between the steroid testing results of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa, Bud Selig makes a discovery.
The baseball forefathers had issued a commandment which states the following:
Every six score and six years, all teams must place all thou player in a pool. From that point, thou must taketh the players and hold a draft to fill the teams. After the passing of a five-year hiatus, a time when teams will train, a team tournament will taketh place to decide a champion. Thou will callest this the "Universe Series."
— Doubleday 3:19
Selig freaks out because he does not want to be remembered as the commissioner who forgot the legendary Universe Series. The last one took place 126 years ago, in 1880, so it is time for the next series. Therefore, he immediately announces that the remaining games in the season will be cancelled and that the MLB Universe Draft will take place.
It was said that the winner of the series would gain good fortune tenfold of every other opposing team. In addition, the winner of the previous series picks first in the following draft.
Of course, the New York Yankees have the first pick.
George Steinbrenner is livid. His collection of players will all go into a pool. Yet in talking with George, he tells me that he's going to move on and focus on the pick.
For the longest time, he seemed ever-so-interested in Hideki Irabu. Luckily for Yankees fans, Irabu was not eligible for the draft. Yankees GM Brian Cashman sweet talks George and convinces him to take a young pitcher. "He can anchor a staff in the series," Cashman says to George.
Cashman suggests Francisco Liriano. George says no. He doesn't want Liriano, "I want that one lefty from the Twins ... err ... Francisco Liriano."
The stats are there to back up his stuff. He's 12-2 with an ERA under 2.00, and he's only 22, which means he'll be 27 by the time the series comes around.
George has second thoughts.
"What about Albert Pujols?" George says. "He's young and he's the most dominant hitter in the game. Imagine him in his late-20s — in his prime!"
"Well, it's up to you, Mr. Boss," Cashman says.
As the clock runs down to zero, George buys more time — no really, he bought it with American money.
"I want Pujols. I've made my decision and it's final," George finally says.
So Selig goes up to the podium and announces the pick.
"Welcome to the Universe Draft," he says to a packed crowd at Madison Square Garden. "With the first pick, the New York Yankees select ... Renaldo Balkman."
Nah, I'm just messing with you. The Yankees take Pujols.
The rest of the draft order is decided by ping pong balls. Selig goes up to the podium with a bag full of balls, reaches in and grabs one. As soon as the top of a red sock pops out, Madison Square Garden starts booing.
Naturally, it's the Red Sox picking second.
Red Sox GM Theo Epstein wants a stud pitcher — someone who will go out on the mound with a bloody sock and pitch a gem. He thinks it through and finds three viable candidates for the pick: Liriano, Seattle's Felix Hernandez, and Tampa Bay's Scott Kazmir.
Karl Ravech, Steve Phillips, and Joe Morgan analyze the possible picks for ESPN as millions of viewers watch.
"If I were the GM, I'd pick Liriano. He's a proven young pitcher with electric stuff," Phillips says.
"Steve, there's a reason you're not a GM anymore. If you ask any AL batter who they never want to face again, they'll say King Felix," Morgan says.
"Steve, you say Liriano has 'electric stuff.' What's that means?" Ravech asks.
"I'm not sure, but my scouts would use that word all the time to describe pitchers who were good," Phillips says.
Morgan, being the guy who acts like he knows it all, answers the question for Phillips.
"Actually, Karl, when I was in the league, players would call pitchers electric when they threw hard with great movement. Pitching coaches always stress that control is the most important aspect of pitching, but when I'm in the batters box, I always did worst against the guys that seemed a little crazy."
Ravech interrupts as Selig is walking out onto the podium.
"Well, we're about to find out who the Red Sox will pick here — down to the commissioner."
"With the second pick in the Universe Draft, the Boston Red Sox select Felix Hernandez," Selig says, monotone.
Immediately, Phillips jumps in.
"They're going to regret this one in a couple of years. Liriano's a proven thing! How can they take a risk on a guy who has an ERA close to 5.00?"
"Steve, King Felix is 20-years-old, he's got three plus-plus pitches, and he's got a clean bill of health," Morgan says. "What more can you want? They say he's the next Doc Gooden, had Gooden not been hurt. And the Mariners have used him so carefully that if his arm were made out of glass, it would still be in one piece."
Ravech gets a bit anxious in his seat as Selig comes out from his lair behind the backdrop.
"Well, we're down to the commissioner again for the next pick," he says.
The camera pans down to the podium.
"We have a trade," Selig announces. "The New York Yankees send George Steinbrenner's grandkids and cash considerations to the Boston Red Sox for Felix Hernandez."
Yankees fans go crazy. They start chanting, "Curse of Felix!"
Meanwhile, Selig announces that the Chicago Cubs will have the next pick.
Cubs GM Jim Hendry is still in shock from the trade. He thinks he could have gotten Hernandez from the Red Sox for offering to take on Steve Bartman, a goat and a corked bat from Sammy Sosa.
Nevertheless, it makes this pick easy.
"With the third pick in the Universe Draft, the Chicago Cubs select Francisco Liriano," Selig announces.
Liriano would go on to hurt his elbow multiple times, reminding Cubs fans of some guys named Kerry Wood and Mark Prior.
Selig comes out to the podium and says, "I'm tired of pulling ping-pong balls. I'm going to pull two at a time from here on out."
So he pulls out a Devil Rays logo and a Marlins logo.
Rays GM Andrew Friedman is ecstatic. He gets to keep his pitcher, Scott Kazmir. He sends a lackey to run up to the podium with the note card that has Kazmir's name on it, but ESPN producers stop him and make sure their analysts get in a word.
"Well, guys, we've seen a Prince and a King taken in the first three picks. And the third guy isn't too shabby, either. Steve, who do you think the Rays will take here?" Ravech says.
"Karl, this is am easy pick. Loyalty is the name of the game here and the only thing stopping Scott Kazmir and the Rays from being reunited is time," Phillips says.
"Well, guys, I actually think the pick should be Joe Mauer. It's not often that you find a young catcher who can hit, field, and throw. And Mauer was near .400 for most of this season, which is very impressive considering he has to catch everyday," Morgan says.
Ravech then takes the TV audience to Rick Sutcliffe, who is with Friedman in the Rays' war room.
"Who are you going to take?"
"We can't say right now. We're just very excited to be in this position."
"Is it going to be Kazmir?"
"We'd love to have him, but it could be him or anyone else."
"It's Kazmir, isn't it?"
"Aw, man, how'd you know?"
The cameras go back to the podium for the pick. It's Kazmir. Big surprise — whoop-dee-doo.
When Selig announced the Universe Series, the Marlins decided they were going to win it with relievers. In other words, they wanted to pitch four relievers 2-3 innings each, every game.
They figured it'd be cheaper to keep eight or nine good relievers than five good starting pitchers.
Marlins GM Larry Beinfest has to go through his owner, Jeffrey Loria, for every pick he makes.
Loria says he wants Miguel Cabrera back. He says something about how he has a bet with former Marlins owner Wayne Huizenga about how long he can keep Cabrera.
"Screw the bet, Jeff. We need pitchers. I want that Papelbon kid from Boston," Beinfest says.
"You're fired, Larry," Loria says.
Loria then earns the nickname, "George, Jr."
Loria then sends the note card up with his pick.
"With the fifth pick in the draft, the Florida Marlins select Jonathan Papelbon," Selig says.
Beinfest files a lawsuit for firing him without cause, and in fear that he might lose money, Loria gives Beinfest his job back.
In the next five years, Beinfest would get fired and hired six times.
After deciding to do this broadcast "soccer-style" — where there are no commercials for the first five picks — ESPN takes one long commercial break.
In the meantime, George Steinbrenner is trying to work out another trade for Francisco Liriano — but this time, he's offering the Cubs one of his World Series rings. The trade is currently at a deadlock because the Cubs are demanding that the Yankees put names on the back of their jerseys. The Yankees refuse.
They counter by offering to un-retire the number three — Babe Ruth's number.
David Wells comes running back because he's always wanted to wear the number three on a Yankees uniform. The Yankees sign Wells and try to include him in the deal to Chicago. The deal is rejected by Chicago when the Yankees refuge to pay the extra money for the additional weight Wells will carry on the flight.
Note: five more picks in the Universe Draft will be unveiled next week. Stay tuned!
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