Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson was in danger of losing his points lead as the laps wound down at Chicagoland Speedway, but a sudden change atop the race leaderboard kept his points lead intact. That would have been Jeff Gordon's bump of Matt Kenseth that sent the No. 17 car spinning out of contention.
"So that was the car that I saw sliding by me?" asks Johnson. "I really feel for Matt. I'm downright teary-eyed. For 264 laps, that had to be the most boring race of the year. Thanks to Gordon, we'll be talking about this one for a long time. Or at least until next week, when some other driver gets bumped out of the way by some other driver. What was Kenseth thinking? If he really thought Gordon was retaliating for the Bristol incident, then why didn't he accost Gordon in Victory Lane and shove him. Or better yet, give him a headbutt to the chest like soccer great Zinedine Zidane did it the World Cup final? Not that I watched it."
2. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth led 112 laps, including 61 of the final 65, before abruptly losing the lead when Jeff Gordon intentionally or unintentionally, depending on your allengience and/or level of inebriation, hit Kenseth and went on to win the USG Sheetrock 400.
"It was clearly intentional," says Kenseth. "Just listen to the audio from Gordon's radio communication right before he rear-ended me. His spotter said, 'Watch the No. 17 car right in front of you,' and Gordon responded 'What No. 17 car?' Then, after he spun me, Gordon even called 911 to report an accident he witnessed. You're telling me that bump wasn't intentional?"
Who am I to judge, Matt? All I know is that had the late Dale Earnhardt done the same thing to you, fans would have cheered wildly as opposed to tossing trash on the track, as they did at Gordon.
Kenseth ended up 22nd, and now trails Johnson by 51 points.
3. Jeff Burton — Burton won his second Bud Pole of the year, topping Friday's qualifying, then scored his best finish of the year, a second. Burton moved up three spots to fourth in the points, his highest position of the year.
"So the Brian Vickers to Toyota, Casey Mearns to Hendrick, Juan Pablo Montoya to Ganassi cycle is complete," says Burton. "I wonder who got the better end of that deal. Toyota and Hendrick get mediocre drivers, while Ganassi gets the third-most famous Columbian, right behind that coffee bean-picking Juan Valdez and his trusty donkey."
4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt started 25th on Sunday and steadily improved, leading 27 laps and finishing fifth. He maintained third in the points, and trails Johnson by 257. Junior also picked up the "Bank Of America Card Services Mid-Race Leader Award," apparently for leading the race at the midway point.
"If I can't win the race," says Earnhardt, "then winning the 'Bank of America Card Services Mid-Race Leader Award' is the next best thing. Actually, these contingency awards mean very little to drivers. I think most of the awards end up in thrift shops or flea markets. From what I've heard, they make great lightning rods."
5. Kyle Busch — Busch followed up his second-place finish in Daytona with a third at Chicagoland, the second of three Hendrick Motorsports drivers in the top five. Busch maintained his position of eighth in the points after jumping four spots after his success at Daytona.
"I guarantee that if I made the same move that Jeff Gordon made on Matt Kenseth," explains Busch, "then I would be black flagged, put on probation, and criticized by all. Veterans are allowed to do things that young guns like me would be penalized for. It's not fair. What's different between what Gordon did to Kenseth and me ramming Casey Mears at Phoenix?"
Well, for one thing, Kyle, you hit him while the cars were parked due to a red flag. I don't think even Jeff Gordon would get away with that.
6. Tony Stewart — Stewart was running third when he ran out of gas as the green flag was about to drop for a green-white-checkered finish brought on by Matt Kenseth's spin on lap 264. The No. 20 Home Depot Chevrolet dove into the pits for a splash of gas and as a result, lost a lap and finished 32nd.
"Hey, at least I didn't have to fill up," says Stewart. "When my fuel gauge reads 'E' for 'empty', my attitude is 'P' for 'pissed.' The I have to hear Jeff Gordon all but threaten me with retaliation for me spinning him last year. Do I look worried? Hey, Jeff, you can threaten me with on-the-track retaliation and you'll get no reaction from me. Threaten to take food away from me and you will likely get my attention."
7. Jeff Gordon — Round two to Gordon. Gordon won his second of the last three races with a controversial "pass" of Matt Kenseth late in the race. Earlier this year in Bristol, Kenseth bumped and spun Gordon. This time, Gordon refused to acknowledge or deny that Sunday's incident had anything to with retaliation. Kenseth felt otherwise, as did several fans who bombed the No. 24 car with trash as Gordon celebrated his 75th career win.
"It's not the first time I've had trash thrown at me," says Gordon. "Are those drunk, obnoxious fans ruining NASCAR crowds' reputations, or just reinforcing them? Anyway, Matt got into the act, as well. He tossed a piece of his car at me. Unlike me, he missed. Besides, Matt was almost out of gas. He would have had to pit under green. Because of me, he was able to pit under caution. Also, recent evidence suggests Matt was at fault. On Monday, he was bumped from behind by a student driver while Matt was in a rental car. That's two instances in two days in which Matt was hit from behind, once by a professional and once by a beginner. Is that simply a coincidence? I think not. Matt just doesn't know how to handle traffic behind him."
8. Kevin Harvick — Harvick picked up his sixth top-five finish of the year with a fourth in the USG Sheetrock 400. Starting fourth on the grid, Harvick led 40 laps before Dale Earnhardt, Jr. picked him off on lap 109. After falling to sixth, he was able to pass Matt Kenseth, who spun, and Tony Stewart, who ran out of gas three laps from the end. Harvick holds on to eighth in the points, 398 behind Jimmie Johnson.
"All this controversy," says Harvick, "and me not in it. That's no fun. I promise to create a stir in New Hampshire this Sunday. And speaking of 'creating a stir,' Formula 1 driver Juan Pablo Montoya is coming to NASCAR. This guy is disliked almost as much as Michael Schumacher. He should be a perfect fit in NASCAR. He's from the country of Columbia, right? Is he going to be sponsored by Coke?"
9. Kasey Kahne —After starting third, Kahne found the aerodynamics in traffic at Chicagoland not suitable to his car's liking. The Evernham Motorsports Dodge, sporting a McDonald's paint scheme, steadily fell down the leaderboard, making clean air hard to come by. Kahne eventually finished 23rd and dropped one place to fifth in the points, 348 behind Johnson.
"Not a great day for me," says Kahne, "but my luck is about to change. Rumor has it that Indy car beauty Danica Patrick is coming to NASCAR. I wouldn't mind seeing Danica in my rear-view mirror. I would like nothing more than to see her behind. Me."
10. Mark Martin — Martin battled a loose race car all day, unable to capitalize on a qualifying effort of ninth. Falling as low as 28th during the race, Martin mounted a late-race surge that allowed him to finish 18th and hold on to sixth in the points, 360 off the lead.
"I've just got one piece of advice for my teammate, Matt Kenseth," says Martin. "In a situation like this, you've got to ask yourself, ‘WWRBD?' That is. ‘What Would Ricky Bobby Do?' If one can't find the answers to life's toughest questions within the acting roles of Will Ferrell, then where can one find them?"
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