All-Star Game Random Deep Thoughts

The Midsummer Classic certainly lived up to its name on Tuesday night. Although everyone probably predicted the outcome, no one could have predicted how it finished. Paul Konerko singled, Troy Glaus doubled, and Michael Young drove them in to win it all with two outs, off of Trevor Hoffman who had only blown one save all year.

While enjoying the game Tuesday night at my local watering hole, I couldn't help taking down a mental log of the night's happenings. The following is a stream of consciousness discourse, full of various insights and random rantings about Major League Baseball's big night. In honor of SNL's "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy," I'm entitling it "Random Deep Thoughts."

First off, the true star of the whole weekend was Pittsburgh's PNC Park. The place is absolutely breathtaking and a perfect backdrop for baseball's new "clean" and modern image. Pittsburgh's skyline, the Allegheny river with its own version of San Francisco's splash zone, and the Clemente Bridge were just perfect for the venue.

It was also very classy by MLB and the Pirates to pay tribute to a true baseball legend, Roberto Clemente. We all know the story by now of the circumstances of his tragic death, dying in a plane crash carrying relief supplies to Nicaraguan earthquake victims. What is sometimes lost is the racial struggles he and hundreds of Latino and African-American athletes endured in those days. He was a great man, both on and off the field, and it's good to see baseball still remembers him and his widow.

How awesome was it that Ryan Howard hit that sign and got that person 500 free flights? Where would I go if I had 500 flights? More importantly, where wouldn't I go? I know one place: any where close to the guy who has to tell Barry Bonds he might be indicted for perjury and tax evasion next week.

Carrie Underwood belts out the National Anthem. Not an American Idol fan, but good god she is some kind of gorgeous.

TV listings had the game slated to start at 8:00 PM, after all of FOX's lead-up, seemingly 20 minutes worth of commercials, and introductions of every single player; the first pitch didn't take place until roughly around 8:40. You'd think it was the Super Bowl, or the Finals, or any prime time show on TV these days.

Look at all the White Sox! It looks like they got their whole team out there. Coaches Joey Cora, Harold Baines, and Ozzie Guillen and then Jermaine Dye, AJ Pierzynski, Jim Thome, Paul Konerko, and pitchers Mark Buehrle, Jose Contreras, and Bobby Jenks.

Why don't you throw their GM Kenny Williams in there, too, he's an all-star for bringing in Thome. I think that's the solution to the all-star selection process, just select all-star GMs to construct the teams. Then we can blame them instead of fan voting.

I have to admit I was a skeptic of Phil Garner's decision to start Brad Penny, but he shut me up quickly. Brad Penny proceeds to strike out the side on nothing but fastballs. Looking like Chet Steadman from Rookie of the Year, he didn't throw a pitch under 95 mph while striking out Ichiro, Derek Jeter, and Big Papi in succession.

In his scouting report before the game, FOX's former catcher-turned-brilliant-analyst, Tim McCarver, tells us that Penny has a heavy, boring fastball. He proceeds to repeat the phrase at least 25 times during the first inning when Penny throws nothing but fastballs.

This leads me to an exciting development ... FOX announced its new deal with MLB to cover Saturday games, the All-Star Game, an alternating LCS each year, and the World Series for the next seven years. Get ready for seven more years of Tim McCarver, folks. I know you're all excited.

Speaking of TV...

Worst Commercials

Flomax — It's just plain awkward to hear about middle-age men having trouble controlling their pee. I also don't need to hear that one of the side effects of the pill is that it reduces the amount of semen you can produce. Janet Jackson can't take her boob out, but we can hear a voice discuss the size of a baby boomer's ejaculation, and the pill he uses to attain it? That's not right.

Moving on…

Trailer for Snakes on a Plane — Are you kidding me? How would you like to have been the guy that had to pitch this one to the production company? What we're gonna do is, we're gonna put Samuel L. Jackson on a plane and we're gonna throw a bunch of animatronic deadly snakes on him and see how loud he yells at 'em. Great idea, guys! I'll be first in line.

Jon Lovitz Subway commercials — Lovitz, you can't need money that badly. You did High School High, you're better than this.

Best Commercials

Michael Strahan's Right Guard commercial — It's been running for two years, what is it even doing on? When the squirrel squirms on the ground, I lose it every time ... it's sad, I know.

EA Sports' NCAA Football '07 — And the GPA of male college students across the country already begins to recede.

Burger King stacking meat commercial — Anybody else catch Mickey, the little person from Seinfeld, in this one. Fantastic. Doesn't beat "Big Buckin' Chicken", but it gets the job done.

The Adam Sandler "Psychotic Legend of Uncle Donny" Shot of the Day goes to Big Bad Vlad Guerrero, who crushed a Brad Penny eye-high fastball to the opposite field. Quickest and most deadly bat in baseball. Take another shot of Bacardi for Vlad the Impaler. Schwancha!

After the home run, the FOX production truck plays the Wiggles "Knees, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" in the background while they show Vladdy-Daddy's highlights. Wow, simply stunning!

David Wright answers right back with a homer to left in the bottom of the second. What home run derby jinx? Wait, don't tell Ryan Howard I said that.

How about Albert Pujols? Five years in the league, five all-star appearances. How about this for the beginning of a career: .331 batting average, 230 homers, 697 RBI, 2,014 total bases, and a .418 on base percentage, if you're into that sort of thing. Three names: Ted Williams, Joe DiMaggio, Frank Robinson.

Speaking of great starts to a career, didn't Peter Gammons hit the nail right on the head with Joe Mauer? Gammons predicted him to be the AL MVP. Mauer went into the break leading the major leagues with a .378 batting average. He has 45 RBI and 108 hits as a catcher. He'll be hard-pressed to top David Ortiz and Jim Thome in the AL, but it's still a heck of a start for a second-year player.

Pujols shows why so many people have picked him to win this year's Gold Glove at first as he robs a base hit to his right side with his bare hand, off the bounce.

Lots of good defense in this game: Vernon Wells guns down Alfonso Soriano at the plate with what would have been the go-ahead run. Freddy Sanchez, of the host Pirates, was all over the field, leaping and diving. And the American League turned three double plays.

The National League returned to its roots, the Whitey Herzog mentality of beating the other team on the base paths. Carlos Beltran stole third and Alfonso Soriano stole second on the best defensive catcher in baseball, Pudge Rodriguez. The aggressive base-running eventually lead to a Beltran run on a Roy Halladay wild pitch.

Two words: MINI SARG! Gary Matthews, Jr. delivers a meaningless one-out single in the eighth to little fanfare, except in my household.

Finally, the inevitable downfall begins. Hoffman starts strong with two easy dribblers back to the mound, but it doesn't last.

Paul Konerko singles. Troy Glaus doubles. You can hear Metallica's "Enter Sandman" starting up in basements everywhere in New York and New Jersey. Then sure enough, down to their last strike, Michael Young triples home two and extends the AL's domination to a 10-year unbeaten streak.

I didn't even need to see the rest, I knew what was to come. Four batters later, Mariano Rivera pumps his fist in triumph for the millionth time in his career, and etches his name into the major league history books a little deeper.

Hoffman's 460 saves be damned, the game was still blown, and the NL still doesn't host the World Series. Since MLB switched over to the current format, the NL has been defeated in two straight World Series.

Michael Young gets the Ted Williams All-Star Game MVP trophy, which resembles an iceberg of some sort or shape. He also is given the keys to a 2007 Chevy Avalanche, which the sleazy Chevy CEO (who strangely resembles Russell from Wayne's World), claims is "The Most Flexible Vehicle Ever". I was almost expecting an "I love you, man" afterwards.

Is it funny to anyone else that the only person that didn't play for the AL that was available was AJ Pierzynski?

I leave you with one of my favorite SNL "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy":

"If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness."