In the far corner, weighing in at 238 pounds, hailing from Jacksonville, Florida by way of Scranton and Wilkes-Barre, the golden arm of Philadelphia's beloved Phillies and yooooour defending champion, Number 39, Brett Myers.
And in the near corner, weighing in at 120 pounds, coming to you direct from Jacksonville, tonight's challenger and Brett's beloved missus, Kim Myers.
Doesn't exactly sound like a Thrilla in Manila. Just an Accostin' in Boston, and one still receiving a bit more notoriety than Major League Baseball or Commissioner Bud Selig would prefer. Indeed, last week's first-round TKO of Kim Myers by husband Brett was merely an undercard as baseball issues go. June's main event, of course, was Ozzie Guillen's latest epithet that so offended the humanitarian sensitivities of MLB and homosexual baseball fans everywhere.
When news of the altercation involving their star pitcher reached them, the Phillies organization must have breathed a collective sigh of relief. A man's clenched fist landing twice in his wife's face was certainly a regrettable occurrence, but at least he didn't call her a "fag" in the process. And, yes, pulling her along by her hair was inappropriate, but he's white and she's white, so there are no minority interests to placate. The Commissioner's Office will distance itself from the whole affair.
By all means, hand that man the ball.
Lacking any higher authority in the Phillies' organization with enough moxie to intervene, the decision to let Myers make his appointed start against former idol Curt Schilling the next day vested entirely with Manager Charlie Manuel. "He was gonna pitch," the skipper decided of his 5-3 ace, who carried a 3.77 ERA into the game. For his part, Manuel applauded his decision. "I thought he could handle it. He did handle it. I thought he handled it pretty good."
But did Manuel? Or the Phillies organization?
The manager drew parallels between Myers' obligation to take the ball and his own days back in the sawmill when he was expected to show up for his shift. "Brett has a job to do," he pointed out, "so why wouldn't he be able to do his job?"
For GM Pat Gillick, it was less about the sense of duty than about the winning. "I think it's [starting Myers] in the best interest of the club," he asserted in a rare breach of political decorum. "He's our best pitcher."
ESPN's Tim Kurkjian also seemed to agree, reportedly defending Myers' right to earn his living during a radio interview earlier in the week. Of course, no one is pointing out that Kim had the right to eat solid food. She's just a bit incapacitated at present to exercise that right.
Maybe it was the cascade of boos from 35,564 fans greeting Myers each time he took the mound during the nationally televised game that first rippled the surface of popular opinion. Perhaps grassroots vigilante efforts of the Boston and Philadelphia media in the ensuing days magnified those ripples into waves. In any event, the National Organization of Women and Women Against Abuse finally felt their own boats pitch and added their voices early last week. Better late than never.
Phillies president David Montgomery could no longer pretend a tempest wasn't brewing. He broke his silence with a carefully crafted statement last Tuesday, the same day Brett Myers announced a voluntary leave. A day later, the Phillies optioned him to Class-A Clearwater. Meanwhile, Bud Selig prefers to wait for a conviction before deciding what should be done. After all, those purple spots on the left side of Mrs. Myers' face may just be the latest summer colors by Revlon.
Baseball apologists, this is the queue for your grand entrance. You know who you are but in case you forgot, your hearts will remind you as they break beneath your breast and bleed through your shirts over the very mention of misfortune involving one of your stars.
You are ones who would separate Pete Rose the player from Pete Rose the manager so that the former may cross the thresholds of Cooperstown. You are the ones who pity Sammy Sosa for accidentally grabbing a practice bat. You acquit Barry Bonds of any illegal activity and even applaud his resourcefulness in gaining an edge on his competition. Worst of all, you accuse me of being a racist because I don't ascribe to him the same place of honor afforded Babe Ruth who, of course, illegally consumed beer during Prohibition.
Apologists: you are legion, you are enablers, and your arms-wide-open embrace of the game's most despicable players is the main reason I will always have to search out that asterisk key every time I comment on the so-called greatest.
I'm sure it was for your inevitable suffering that Brett Myers felt most contrite in his last post-game interview when he said, "I'm sorry it had to get public."
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