Tuesday, July 4, 2006
The Sports GOSPY Award Nominations
People know about the ESPYs. I'm not sure how many people know, or how many important people know, but those are the awards given out by ESPN for the best of whatever in sports for the past year. I wholly appreciate honoring the year's bests, but the ESPYS leave out so many potential great categories. After all, Mark Cuban is going to stop talking about his dick size unless he can win an award for doing so. Enter the GOSPYs.
The GOSPYs pickup where the ESPYs left off. This is the debut year for the award, but I think it's going to catch-on in less time than it takes Chris Berman to pickup a leather-clad girl in a bar. Without much more adieu (there will be a little more), here is the unveiling of the categories and nominations for this year's GOSPY awards.
A little adieu — there was a great deal of deliberation for these awards, but the list isn't final. I will unveil the winners in about 10 days time, so if I've left out some deserving individuals or if you have an idea for guest presenters, drop me an e-mail at [email protected].
Best Scandal
This is the big award. It's an honor to even be nominated, but the winner of this has taken scandal to an entirely new level. These nominees have disgusted, delighted, and generally entertained the nation through sex, arrogance, destruction, and losing. The nominees for Best Scandal are:
Terrell Owens — From the pushups on the driveway, the whole training camp debacle, to the circus that constantly followed him, T.O. set a new standard for divas in the NFL.
John Daly — His colossal gambling losses, numbering into the millions, set off a few solid weeks of discussion on gambling overall, including the not-so-major revelation from Charles Barkley. Still, Daly deserves a nomination, even if he's a long-shot to win it all.
The Vikings' Loveboat — Anytime you get strippers, hookers, and football players together, you know you will have a memorable time. Throw in a double-pronged sex toy and put it all on the water, well, then you have a decent scandal. If it's the thing that turns around a season, then you get a GOSPY nomination. Seriously, though, I still think this "sex party on a boat" thing is revolutionary, it's just the tip of the iceberg and it will forever change slumps and how athletes deal with them.
Barry Bonds — I can't remember why he's on this list. Hmm. Maybe it will hit me later.
Duke Lacrosse — This is the rich, white kid version of the Vikings party. No hookers and the only sex toy was the stripper that was allegedly "raped." And I use the "" only because it's not settled yet and it's much simpler than saying "the stripper that claims she was raped" or that the Lacrosse players "allegedly raped her."
No matter how you score it, it's a major scandal. It was front and center of our airwaves for too long to be ignored. Like most scandals involving rich people, though, it boils down to jealousy. When you are a superstar you can buy as many sex toys as you want. When you are born into your wealth, strippers are your sex toys.
Best Pickup Line
"You're with me, leather." — Chris Berman
"For every billion dollars I have, my dick gets 10 inches longer." — Mark Cuban
"Honey, there's a fly on under your eye. Hold still while I get it..." — Brett Myers
Best Couple
Brett Myers and wife
Santonio Holmes and girlfriend
Chris Henry and 18-year-old hooker
Heather Mitts and AJ Feely
Hottest Female in Sports
(let's be honest, this is pretty much a "best female athlete" award)
Heather Mitts
Maria Sharapova
Jenny Finch
Tanith Belbin
Erin Andrews
Danica Patrick
Best Juicer
Barry Bonds
Jason Grimsley
Jason Giambi
Jose Canseco
Best Sports Gospel
Barry Bonds, Ultimate Underdog
Ultimate Fighter
(I know that isn't a Sports Gospel, but it is a brilliant piece written by me)
Best Cross-Over Star
Carson Palmer, Cornhole
Jerry Rice, Dancer
Ben Roethlisburger, Demoliton Derby
Brett Myers, Ultimate Fighting
Tommy Zbikowski, Boxing
Jeff Samardzija, Football/Baseball
Best Chris Henry Arrest
Marijuana in his shoe
Giving underage girls booze before screwing one of them
DUI
Pointing a gun at a group of people, then throwing the gun into a limo
Best Coach
Ozzie Guillen
Pat Riley
Stan Van Gundy
Bill Cowher
Best Sports Website
(outside of any that carry this column, of course)
Deadspin.com
SportsByBrooks.com
ESPN.com
SI.com
Best Sports Video Game
Madden 2006
FIFA World Cup '06
College Hoops 2K6
College Baseball
Most Annoying Person Ever
Dick Vitale
Jay Mariotti
Stephen A Smith
Jay Mariotti
Best Sports Talk Radio Host
Colin Cowherd, ESPN Radio
Jim Rome, Premier Radio networks
Dan Patrick, ESPN Radio
Mark Chalifoux, Cincinnati ESPN Radio
Best E-Mail
Re: "Why God Hates the Colts"
Mark, Shame on you for attempting to mock Jesus Christ. This can't be good for your career.-Tom
Re: Anna "The Animal Murderer" Benson in a TKO against PETA?
If TKO stands for "Trapping, Killing Ogre." Well, at least an ogre only eats other humans. I'd pay good money to see an ogre eat Benson from furry head to toe. And I'll save Mark Chalifoux the inane post comment by saying, "Yes, I will enjoy my new position at PETA." I'll enjoy it as much as your new position in HELL.-Tim
Re: Anna Benson vs. PETA
I do not know you, but I am not quite sure why you, as a sports journalist, would defend Anna Benson's rant against PETA? Regardless of my personal opinion of Anna or PETA, I find her to be inarticulate and comical. Why take her seriously enough to write an entire column dedicated to one of her childish rants? The woman is obviously stupid, why dedicate a column to her? There are so many beautiful wives in professional sports, why do you have to pick the trailer park trash to write about? You are adding fuel to her fire, and goodness, the world does not need to hear anymore of her opinions regardless of what they are. You just lost a reader.allyson
Re: JJ Redick vs. Adam Morrison
Redick is the BEST! He's a good guy and the AWESOMEST basketball dude I know of! Oh, and my freinds and I were making a chart of physical attractions AND JJ Redick FIT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!!!!!!!!! He is such a hottie!!!!!!!!!!!!
Superman in Sports Award
In honor of the recently-released movie, "Superman Returns," this award goes to the player who is closest to superhero status in sports. Too often big stars are involved in scandals or are torn down by other means, so this award goes to the player who can rise above it all to be a role model for everyone. A lot of pressure, yes, but that's why this is such a big award.
LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers
Shaquille O'Neal, Miami Heat
Lance Armstrong, Team LiveStrong
Tiger Woods, Team Tiger
***
There are your categories and nominees, let me know if I left someone deserving off the list or missed a potentially great category.
The Sports Gospel According to Mark is sponsored by BetOnSports.com. All readers get a 10% signup bonus at BetOnSports by entering "Sports Gospel Promo" as the promo code. Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on SC. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].