The Poor, Piteous Sports Fan

One sure learns a lot by having the hubris to regularly Google their own name.

I know I do. I know that I'm No. 1 "Kevin Beane" in Google, thanks to Sports Central, but in terms of volume, a Kevin Beane in New Hampshire (tai chi instructor, massage therapist, man about town) gives me a run for the money. There's isolated Kevin Beanes whom are off-road racers, Bermudan rugby players, and "the biggest funkateer in Ottawa."

There's other Kevin Beane writers, too. One is a big Chicago Bears pundit and fan, and one is a former writer for "The Opinion," who writes rants about HMOs and lists his likes in his profile as "Fast Cars and Fast Women, not necessarily in that order." Ugh.

Finally, there's a Kevin Beane who needs a little bit of your love. Remember, he's not just going to cherish you, but "the relationship [he] is trying to obtain with you also."

But the most fascinating part of Googling my name is finding reactions to my articles that don't make it to the comments section. You fans are a fickle, fickle, fickle breed. As a writer, I better damn well fellate your team, or be raked over the coals.

The method it usually obvious ... I'll make an offhand criticism of a team or player, a partisan of that team or player will read it, take it back to the message boards of that team or player, and release the hounds in the comments.

And I welcome that. I encourage it even, although I don't intentionally muckrake to get a reaction out of people (cough) Skip Bayless (cough).

But the latest turn just has me puzzled. It didn't make it to the comments, but Googling my name revealed a reaction to the article I wrote a couple months back about Florida International. On the FIU message board, someone started a thread about it here entitled "Negative Article on FIU..." They posted my article, and I got reaction including "stupid," "BS," "pointless," and that I must be "a journalism major at UM," which in this context, I gather is not a compliment.

Stupid is in the eye of the beholder, and all of my columns are pointless, so the joke's on them, but "negative?" Judge for yourself. In it, I compared them to a plucky David in the shadow of an evil Goliath, pointed out the great strides they've made for such a young program, touted their quarterback as the best in the Sun Belt, and adopted them as the official college football team of Slant Pattern!

Being a stupid UM journalism major as I apparently am, I'm unsure what the antonyms of "negative" and "critical" are, but whatever those words might be, my article was it. The FIU fans' reaction demonstrates the mindset of too many sports fans. Victimization: it's not just for politics and social issues anymore. An article isn't good or fair unless it's fawning, and if it's neutral or merely mildly positive, it's just not good enough.

This brings me to two orders of business. Without playing a single game during their reign, FIU's status as the official college football team of Slant Pattern is revoked. I hope Da U beats you by 70 and it sets off a spiral of events that forces you to drop athletics. And go Florida Atlantic, too!

Secondly, I'm gonna do what they say can't be done. I'm gonna write the column that will please everybody! Clip and save:

Without a doubt, the most underrated team in the history of sports is [your team here]. I simply can't believe the media, the officials, and [your rival] have so successfully undercut [your team] in the annals of history, but they have.

First, the officiating. Remember the big [game against the big rival no one remembers but the fans of each team]? The call that cost us that game was [widely acknowledged to be a call that could've gone either way to viewers without a rooting interest] the worst in the history of sports. That officiating crew should be in prison. I'm completely serious. It went beyond incompetence and can only be explained by corruption. But that's just par for the course for [your team] games, isn't it?

Then, of course, the media is so brazenly and frankly against [your team] that it's a joke. It's not even a secret. The media doesn't even try to hide their contempt for [your team]. Remember [critical article written in 1999 that no one read in a publication with fewer than 1,000 subscribers]? That just proves it.

But, take heart, [your team] fans, it's all just jealousy. There can be no doubt that the officials, the media, and [your rival] have plainly and unlawfully conspired against us, but it's because they want to be like us.

And this year's team has the potential to be the best ever! Firstly, [your team's star players] are the best in the [league/country/world] at their position, and [rest of the starters] should sue if they are not named to the all-star team. And I have some darkhorses for you. You know who's really gonna step up and surprise the hell out of people?

[Everyone else on the team.]

I hope that clears things up. Just remember the next time I bash your team, I am indeed a part of the cabal. Thank your rival for cutting me the check.