Things Ozzie Guillen Should Have Said

How many times do you think Ozzie Guillen's wife has asked him if her butt looked big in those pants?

About once, I'd say. The first time he answered, "Dios mio, si, yo gigante!" she would have decided, in the future, she should put the question to someone a with a little more tact.

And in all likelihood, Guillen would have had no idea why he was sleeping on the couch.

Apparently, the Chicago White Sox manager was born without that filter that most of us have — the one that keeps us from saying everything we think.

If something is in Guillen's mind, it's in his mouth.

And until now, the national sports media has treated it as kind of an endearing trait, as with a Sports Illustrated story last year in which the magazine cast him as being refreshingly honest and all but dubbed the Chisox charter jets as the "Straight Talk Express."

But, with the Chicago media, it has to be different. If the local sports columnists — and this applies everywhere, not just in Chicago — don't get the coaches ticked off once in a while, they aren't doing their jobs.

Chicago Sun-Times columnist and ESPN pundit Jay Mariotti was doing his job, which is why Guillen used a homosexual slur in reference to the reporter.

The worst thing about that isn't that Guillen called Mariotti a "fag."

Beating up on the media is approved behavior.

That's usually a figurative expression, but the term "beating up on the media" has been taken literally in places like Iraq, the former Soviet Union, and sub-Saharan Africa. George W. Bush called a New York Times reporter an "asshole," and he got elected president, so Mariotti should expect little sympathy over Guillen's name-calling.

The worst thing is that, after what passed for thoughtful consideration, "fag" was the worst thing Guillen could think of to say about Mariotti.

If it's in his mind, it's in his mouth.

So if Guillen could have come up with something worse than "fag," he would have said it.

The slur gave America a look, not just into Guillen's mind, but into the mentality of locker rooms, from junior high school to the pro ranks. In the ultimate men's bastion, the worst thing you can do to an athlete is question his manhood.

There are probably a lot of athletes who feel that way, but know better than to say it out loud. Guillen doesn't.

If it's in his mind, it's in his mouth.

Homosexuals, in the collective mind of the locker room, are incapable of toughness, courage, or any of the other manly attributes so prized in sports.

Of course, that might come as a news flash to those who knew Mark Bingham, who was a member of two national championship rugby teams — and that sport's a damn sight rougher than baseball there, Ozzie — at the University of California at Berkeley.

But that's not all. Bingham — and, yes, he was gay — is believed to have been one of those on Sept. 11, 2001, who tried to wrest control of United Flight 93 from the terrorist hijackers shortly before the airline plunged to earth just outside of Johnstown, PA.

You can spot Bingham's character in the movie "United 93" because he's wearing a Cal rugby jersey.

With "fags" like Bingham, maybe Mariotti should have taken Guillen's slur as a compliment.

If it's in his mind, it's in his mouth.

So it's not likely the sensitivity training sessions ordered by Commissioner Bud Selig are going to take — Guillen made noise over the weekend about not even bothering with the classes, which pretty much sent the message that he's only going because Selig said he had to.

Which means something like this is going to happen again, just as certain as there will be more racy photos of Anna Benson or another 10-game losing streak by the Pirates.

So as a favor, Ozzie, might I recommend "Thy Father is a Gorbellied Codpiece," a collection of more than 100,000 Shakespearean insults including the following gems:

Apish beef-witted quatch-buttock, goatish rug-headed parasite, pestiferous snail-paced rat catcher, unhandsome sodden-witted horn-beast.

Although you might want to stay away from that one, there Ozzie. You wouldn't want anyone to think you notice whether other men are handsome or unhandsome.

Anyway, if you can't find a copy of the book, I'll loan you mine.

There's no need to thank me. In fact, don't even think about me.

I don't want to be in your mind because if I'm in your mind, well, you know the rest.