All That Gary Glitters

When my father and I are in the cheap seats at the Meadowlands, nothing makes the old man happier than a New Jersey Devils goal. Not only because he's a stickler for happy moments — hence the photo albums in my childhood home that are thicker than unabridged Tolstoy — but because he absolutely adores the participatory joy that is Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll Part 2."

First comes that thumping beat, sounding like someone converted a bass drum into a snare drum. Then come the guitars, leading up to the familiar refrain: "Dadada da dada da da/HEY!!!" My father, and the majority of the fans, thrust their fists in the air on the "HEY!!!" in unison, giving the post-goal celebration a pep rally feel.

"Dadada da dada da da/HEY!!!" Another thrust in the air from my father, who by now is bending his knees and doing a goofy little dance to the drum beat.

One more time: "Dadada da dada da da/HEY!!!" Up go the fists again.

My father loves the "Rock and Roll Part 2" ritual so much, he pumps his fists and screams "HEY!!!" during the subsequent verses of the song that slowly decrease in volume over the PA as the rest of the crowd settles back into their chairs. Only when the announcer exclaims "Devils' goal, scored by number..." does my father join the seated masses.

The Devils were one of the first teams to incorporate the 1972 glam classic into their arena rock repertoire. Today, it's hard to find a live sporting event that doesn't use it. "Rock and Roll Part 2" has surpassed the trumpet fanfare of "CHARGE!" as the most recognizable instrumental cue in sports, and its power is practically Pavlovian.

Case and point: one year some friends and I visited the Liberty Science Center in New Jersey. On display was a giant kiosk about percussion and sound waves, featuring several different types of drums. Everyone played their backbeat of choice — Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song," for example — until me and another knucklehead began banging out "Rock and Roll Part 2." Suddenly, people we had never seen before walked over, snagged an open drum, and joined in. By the time we reached the chorus, about 15 strangers all shouted "HEY!!!" in unison, in the middle of a science museum. It was surreal.

But that's "Rock and Roll Part 2." It's taken on a life of its own through sports. Now there are chants within the chant, with fans using the post-"HEY!!!" music to craft jingles like "we're gonna beat the hell out of you and you and you!" At the University of Maryland's basketball games, immediately after screaming "HEY!!!" the fans would add "YOU SUCK!!!" Administrators forbade the school band from playing the song. (No word if this is what forces Terps fans to burn down College Park during March Madness every season.)

"Rock and Roll Part 2" is part of the soundtrack to our lives as sports fans; yet if the NFL has its way, it's about to be erased.

All because the guy screaming "HEY!!!" is a convicted pedophile.

Gary Glitter, born Paul Francis Gadd, was found guilty on March 3 for committing obscene acts with girls ages 10 and 11 in the South Vietnam resort city of Vung Tau. His sentence, recently upheld, is three years behind bars. He'll be eligible for parole after serving one third of his term — considering time already served, he could be released in December. His conviction comes seven years after he pled guilty in Britain to 54 charges of possession of child pornography, serving two months in prison for them.

Okay, so the guy isn't exactly scout leader material, but I'd like to think here in America we're able to separate the personal from the professional. How else do you think Bill Clinton survived impeachment?

But some people can't ignore who's behind the microphone. Like those Dixie Chicks fans who burned all of their CDs after the Bush comments. Or the Michael Jackson fans who haven't purchased an album since his fifth nose job.

And now it's the NFL that can't hear the music through the sleaze.

League spokesman Brian McCarthy told E! Entertainment News that the NFL is discouraging teams from playing "Rock and Roll Part 2" this season in light of Glitter's latest pedophilic conviction. "Most of the teams understand the reasons, and ultimately, it's their decision, but we encourage them not to play it," McCarthy told E! Online.

This call to ban Gary Glitter from stadium speakers first came to my attention a few weeks back, when blogger Chris Lynch made this plea: "Stadiums and arenas [should] stop playing his damn song and stop putting money into his pocket by doing so. It was royalties from that damn song that made Glitter's globe-trotting pedophile lifestyle possible. Arena and team owners should be shamed into banning his damn song."

Looks like the NFL listened.

You know, for being the most powerful sports organization in the world, the NFL can be such a bunch of prissy, PC little pansies, can't they? This "No Fun League" business was bad enough before Janet Jackson delivered more breast than KFC on Super Bowl Sunday. Now, the league is cracking down on everything from touchdown celebrations to uniform tributes to the type of music artists you can play during games. I'm pretty sure we're only a few years away from the total extinction of tailgate parties and sideline cheerleaders (and boy, the latter would be bad news for Michele Tafoya).

My question is: why stop with pedophiles? If the NFL is soooooo concerned that its image as good, clean, wholesome family entertainment — you know, the kind where grown men try and beat the life out of each other for three hours — is threatened by the disgraceful musicians whose music fills its stadiums, why not also ban:

"Ring of Fire" by the late Johnny Cash. The Man in Black was arrested in October 1965 after U.S. Customs agents found hundreds of pills we was illegally smuggling into the country from Mexico. He pled guilty.

"Jump" and "Panama" by Van Halen. David Lee Roth was once busted in Central Park after buying a dime bag of pot.

"I Got You (I Feel Good)" by James Brown. The Godfather of Soul pled no contest to domestic violence charges after allegedly pushing his wife to the floor during an argument in January 2004.

Anything by The Rolling Stones. In 1967, Mick Jagger was found guilty of possession of amphetamines, while Keith Richards was found guilty for allowing cannabis to be smoked in his home.

Anything by Green Day. The band's singer Billie Joe Armstrong was arrested in Berkley in Jan. 2003 after he blew a .18 on the Breathalyzer, which was twice the California legal limit.

"All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight" by Hank Williams, Jr. Yep, the "Monday Night Football" theme song. According to Shelby County police in Tennessee back in April, Rockin' Randall Hank allegedly choked and verbally abused a 19-year-old Memphis hotel waitress after he unsuccessfully tried to kiss her. He was booked on assault to commit bodily harm. As far as I could tell, the whole thing was still pending, and in the meantime, ESPN has resigned Hank to sing before "MNF."

That's just the tip of the iceberg, folks. I'm pretty sure that after a prolonged investigation, the only musicians ethical enough for NFL stadiums are Marie Osmond and Taylor Hicks.

I demand that the league continue its noble crusade against indecent musicians singing perfectly decent songs in our stadiums.

And I do not expect a moment of rest until the only criminals associated with the NFL are mobbed-up bookies and the Dallas Cowboys.

"HEY!!!"

Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington, DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" will be published in spring 2006. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].