Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson logged his series-leading 11th top-10 finish this year with a tenth at Pocono. However, he lost ground to the two competitors, Matt Kenseth and Tony Stewart, who likely will be his major challenges to the Nextel Cup title. Johnson now holds a 48-point lead over Kenseth.
"I don't fear Kenseth or Stewart nearly as much as I do the pit lane radar gun guy," says Johnson. "He busted me for speeding down his little stretch of the highway, and that may have cost me a few points. The pit lane speed patrol is just like your neighborhood parking enforcer: you know he's just doing his job, but you hate his guts anyway."
2. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth finished fifth in the Pocono 500, his ninth top-five of the year and third-straight, and trimmed 26 points off of Jimmie Johnson's points lead. Kenseth now trails by only 48 points.
"I could be like many athletes and thank God for my good fortune," says Kenseth, "but that would be hypocritical. We race on Sunday's, don't we? But if the Church of Scientology wants to pay me to advertise their brand of religion/science fiction on my car, I've got no problem with it. They sponsored a late-model car last Saturday night in California. I figure if I can advertise a book by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard on my car, then the least they can do for me is put a giant 'Dewalt Tools' decal on one of their spaceships. And speaking of L. Ron Hubbard, that's a great name for a NASCAR driver."
3. Tony Stewart — Stewart served notice that his injured shoulder will no longer hold him back, producing a gutsy third-place finish in Pocono. Last week in Dover, Stewart lasted only 38 laps before being relieved by Ricky Rudd.
"I still firmly believe I can defend my Nextel Cup title with one hand tied behind my back," says Stewart. "But just to set a safe example, I plan to drive with two hands from now on. I've got no use for relief drivers anymore, so I've kicked Ricky Rudd to the curb. But I figure after a third at Pocono, I'm ready for a win. And that means I'll need a relief climber to scale the catchfence to celebrate my victory. So, we're holding tryouts at the fence separating Laredo, Texas from Mexico. No prior experience necessary, and no identification needed."
4. Mark Martin — Martin chose to remain on the track during Sunday's final caution, foregoing adjustments to a loose No. 6 Ford for track position. The decision backfired, and Martin finished 17th at Long Pond, his first result out of the top eleven since Talladega five races ago. Martin holds third in the points, 238 behind Johnson.
"We were running eighth when Jeff Gordon slammed the wall," says Martin. "Had he not crashed, we were looking at a top-10 finish. That No. 24 really got tore up. Was it the biggest accident in the state of Pennsylvania? Not at all. That would have to be the motorcycle crash of Big Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback of the world champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Big Ben apparently passed with flying colors in a companion course to the 'Richard Petty Driving Experience,' known as the 'Kellen Winslow Driving Experience.'"
5. Jeff Burton — Burton scored his eighth top-10 in his last nine races, leading 11 laps on his way to a ninth at Pocono and another solid day for Richard Childress Racing. Burton was on pace for a possible run in the top five, but a drive-through penalty for pit lane speeding on lap 167 set him back.
"Hey, if NASCAR is going to penalize us with drive-throughs," Burton complains, "then they should put a Taco Bell or a Wendy's somewhere on pit lane. Ask any driver. You can really work up a healthy appetite cursing the names of NASCAR officials. Can't NASCAR take a page from the likes of professional wrestling and sanction one race with a 'no disqualification, anything goes' stipulation?"
6. Kasey Kahne — Take away an unscheduled green-flag pit stop for a flat tire near the halfway point Sunday, and Kahne's eventual seventh-place finish could have been even better. Take away the six drivers that finished ahead of him, and Kahne would have probably won the race. As it is, Kahne moved up a spot in the points to fifth, 279 out of first.
"I'll take a seventh-place any day, especially if she's the seventh-place finisher in the Miss Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Contest," says Kahne. "But enough about my personal life. Let's talk about my paint scheme for this Sunday's 3M Michigan 500. My car will sport art work promoting Adam Sandler's new film Click, opening June 23rd at a 45-screen theater complex near you. Once again, Sandler's performance is creating Oscar buzz. No, not Academy Award Oscar, but what Oscar Mayer sandwich meat goes best with a Sandler performance."
7. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt was in position to place the No. 8 Budweiser in a top-five finish, but trouble in Pocono Raceway's difficult "Tunnel Turn" spoiled those aspirations. Earnhardt veered out of the groove on a lap 146 restart and dropped back to 12th position from third. He ended up 14th, and fell two places in the points to sixth, 295 behind Johnson.
"What a frustrating day," says Earnhardt, "but not as frustrating as hearing Darrell Waltrip call me 'June Bug.' Hey, Darrell, I'm not 8-years-old, I'm 31. Next time, I'm going to take you out behind the Hollywood Hotel and give you a good country whupping."
8. Denny Hamlin — Hamlin won the pole on Friday, then overcame a blown tire that dropped him to 40th to win the Pocono 500 in his first Nextel Cup race at the Long Pond 2 1/2 miler. The win vaulted Hamlin two spots to ninth in the points standings — he is now 463 out of first.
"I did it all for the rookies, the rookies, so you can take that cookie, and stick it up your..." says Hamlin. "Sorry, I got a little carried away there. Does anyone remember Limp Bizkit? Anyway, even with a blown tire, I still won the race handily, by 1.3 seconds, which, in an event in which cars go 180 miles per hour, is a large margin. I guess it would be comparable to winning a soccer match by three goals, much like the Czechs over the USA."
9. Kevin Harvick — Harvick salvaged a 13th-place result in Pocono despite a car that never could get a full handle on the tricky tri-oval in the Long Pond mountains. Adjustments to remedy the loose handling conditions left the car tight, and vice-versa. Harvick did, however, maintain his eighth position in the points, and is 430 out of first.
"It's a big month for NASCAR," says Martin. "We're going head-to-head on television with World Cup soccer. We realize our fans are just as passionate as soccer fans, and, if given the choice, NASCAR fans would choose racing, whether it be car, boat, dog, horse, or gerbil racing. And they like their futbol with a football."
10. Greg Biffle — Biffle battled brake problems all day, then suffered a flat tire caused by debris from Jeff Gordon's crash on lap 189, but still managed a sixth-place finish to inch closer to Chase territory. Biffle remains twelfth in the points, 503 out of first, but only 27 behind 10th-place Kyle Busch.
"I've got two Hendrick drivers in my way," says Biffle. "Gordon and Busch. I could either pass them, or wait until they quit, like their teammate Brian Vickers. Who on Earth gives up a ride at Hendrick to pursue other options? Well, Brian, don't let the door hit ya' where the good Lord split ya' on the way out. And rumor has it that Casey Mears is in line to replace Vickers. That will be fun to see — Mears and Busch on the same team. They should make Ryan Newman and Rusty Wallace look like best friends."
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