Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — A spin in Friday's qualifying relegated Johnson to 42nd on the starting grid, but that was just the beginning of his worries in Dover. Johnson was forced to share a pit stall with Scott Wimmer, and was down a lap by lap 33. Then, contact with David Stremme sent the No. 48 Chevy for a spin. But persistance, crafty pit decisions, and a Lucky Dog free pass allowed Johnson to grind out a sixth-pace finish. He now holds a 74-point lead over Dover winner Matt Kenseth.
"Except for the Lucky Dog pass," says Johnson," it was a weekend full of bad luck. Which is what one would expect in the series' 13th race. But I don't think our bad luck is over. Tuesday was 06/06/06, and with that came the release of The Omen remake. Which isn't so frightening in itself, but when you consider that my interim crew chief while Chad Knaus served his suspension was named Darian Grubb, then we could have problems. The name 'Darian' is awfully close to sounding like 'Damien' which is the name of that creepy kid from the movie. And, like Damian, Darien has an ominous-looking birthmark on his scalp. No, not 666. Darien's is the No. 48."
2. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth surged to his second win of the year, passing Roush teammate Jamie McMurray with three laps remaining to win the Neighborhood Excellence 400 in Dover. Foregoing a pit stop during the races final caution was the key as Kenseth conquered Dover's Monster Mile, trimming 35 points off of Jimmie Johnson's points lead. He now trails Johnson by 74.
"It's great to win in Dover," says Kenseth, "but can someone tell me what exactly 'Neighborhood Excellence' is? What kind of sponsor is that? Normally, with a race sponsor, there is some type of brand recognition. I can't go out and buy 'neighborhood excellence,' could I? And why should NASCAR even care about well-established neighborhoods? Shouldn't they concentrate on the more needy ones? They should have called the Dover race the 'Ghetto Projects 400.'"
3. Mark Martin — As has been the case often this year, Martin's eventual finish was inferior to the potential. After pitting with the lead on lap 263, officials called Martin back to pit lane to tighten a loose lug nut. He fought back, and, as the fastest car on the track late in the race, passed seven cars in the final 45 laps to take ninth. Martin moved up one spot to third in the points, 216 behind Johnson.
"I could've been a contender," Martin laments, "if not for a loose lug nut. Incidentally, the 'Lug Nutz' just happens to be the name I've given to the posse that's hanging around me now. I don't know who these guys are, but they can't keep their pants up and they're always talking about their 'grills.' I guess that's the price you pay when you become a big-time player in the rap game."
4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt recorded his sixth top-10 result of the year, finishing 10th in Dover and picking up a spot in the points. Earnhardt moves into fourth, passing the injured Tony Stewart.
"About three more broken shoulder blades," says Earnhardt, "and I could be leading the points. If that's what it takes to win a championship, I'll do it. My Dad wouldn't have hesitated one bit to break a shoulder blade, including his own, to win a title."
5. Kasey Kahne — Kahne followed his win in Charlotte with his best finish ever in Dover. Running in the top 10 for most of the day, Kahne finished the day with his seventh top-10 of the year, in seventh, and remained sixth in the points, 296 behind Jimmie Johnson.
"Dover is such a challenging and unique track," says Kahne, "and the only one on the circuit with its own mascot. That would be 'Miles the Monster,' who's made of solid concrete, which makes him even more hard-headed than the Busch brothers. Plus, Miles has his own action figure and comic book, and fans even younger than my own groupies."
6. Tony Stewart — The injured Stewart lasted 38 laps, then called for relief from the bullpen in the form of Ricky Rudd, whose fastball leaves a lot to be desired, but whose change-up is just plain nasty. Seriously, Rudd relieved Stewart, then was penalized for speeding as he exited pit lane. Rudd finished two laps down, and Stewart was credited with a 25th-place finish, which dropped Stewart to fifth in the Cup points rankings, 293 behind Johnson.
"That was quite an ordeal," says Stewart. "Not driving the car, but getting out of it. I think we're going to put a door back on the No. 20 Chevrolet. And who knows what I'll do if I win at Pocono. I surely can't climb a catchfence to celebrate. Maybe I'll just mount the pit road wall should I win."
7. Kevin Harvick — Harvick and teammate Jeff Burton finished third and fourth, sandwiched between a Roush one-two and a Hendrick five-six. Harvick's fifth top-five of the year moved him up one spot to eighth in the points, 420 behind Johnson.
"420 points?" says Harvick. "That's a lot. That's about my lead in the Busch Series points standings. Actually, my lead is only 297 points, but that should easily hold up, especially since no full-time Busch drivers can win a race, much less make a run for the points title."
8. Jeff Burton — Burton finished fourth in Dover, picking up his third top-five finish of the year, and gained one position in the points. He now sits in seventh, 396 points out of first and 24 ahead of Richard Childress teammate Kevin Harvick. Burton also won the Busch series' StonebridgeRacing.com 200 on Saturday, continuing the trend of a full-time Nextel Cup drivers winning every Busch race this year.
"Check this out," says Burton. "In two weeks, Busch officials will travel to Montreal to examine the feasibility of a Busch race at the Circuit de Gilles Villeneuve. For those of you that don't speak French, that's the Circuit of Gilles Villeneuve. If they can bring hockey to the Carolinas, then we can bring stock car racing to those hosers in Quebec. How do they say it up there? 'Je ne peux pas les voir en peinture.' I think that's 'yee haw' in French."
9. Jeff Gordon — Gordon started third on the grid last Sunday, and early indications pointed to a strong run for the No. 24 Dupont Monte Carlo. Gordon took the lead on lap 38 and eventually led 81 of the first 120 laps. Then, the handling on the car went south, and Gordon faded to a disappointing 12th-place finish, resulting in a drop of two spots in the points. Gordon is now ninth, 428 off the lead.
"Once again, it's a mystery to my team and I what went wrong," says Gordon. "We had a car capable of winning, and we screwed it up. We're missing one piece of the puzzle, one that will put us over the top. Therefore, it's time for a shake up within this team, one that calls for a change in crew chief. And since I'm the owner of Jimmie Johnson's car, I have the power to claim his crew chief, Chad Knaus, for myself."
10. Greg Biffle — Biffle, winner of last spring's Dover race, collected his fourth consecutive top-10 finish with an eighth in Dover. He is now 12th in the points standings, 524 out of first and 85 behind 10th-place Kyle Busch, and moving up fast.
"I guarantee I'll be in the top 10 in points in a matter of no more than three races," says Biffle. "I'm only 85 behind Busch. I can play it safe, wait until he flips out again and gets fined, and overtake him. Just so you know, Kyle, I've had a HANS device thrown at me before."
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