Life After the NFL

I miss the USFL.

Maybe the NFL does have too much of a monopoly on talent for a spring or summer football league to succeed in the United States, or at least one that's not a bizarre caricature of the game. The USFL wasn't a bizarre caricature, it was an earnest football league. Give me your Washington Federals, Michigan Panthers, and Oakland Invaders. Give me your Chicago Blitz, Denver Gold, and Boston/New Orleans/Portland Breakers.

We're about 20 years past the USFL. What do football fans get in 2006 to whet their warm month appetites?

There was the XFL, but I believe we should seriously try to expunge the XFL from our memories and our history books. If we all pretend hard enough that it never happened, it didn't. Somebody go back to those archived TV Guides and edit them to show that NBC was showing "Battle of the Network Stars" on Saturday nights, or something.

There's the Arena Football League. That would be the "bizarre caricature" I referred to earlier. A 77-70 final score should be a game for the ages, not just another day at the Thunderdome.

There's NFL Europe. It's okay, I suppose, but its status as a development league for the NFL gives the games a decidedly uncompelling, preseason vibe. Most NFLE teams rotate two quarterbacks because, well, they are charged with developing the players on their roster. It's not a strategy (in most cases) though, for championship football.

Plus, they have adopted a rule this past season that I can't stand: field goals from 50 yards out or more are worth four points. If this catches on, you're gonna see strange, un-football-like situations emerge.

For example, Team A, on offense, is down by four with 30 seconds left, ball at midfield. The quarterback hits the open receiver, but oops, he led him out too far and he's at the 25. Now the receiver is running backwards towards his own goal, trying to get back to the 33, the cornerback is trying to drag him down before he can lose sufficient yardage to get a four-point field goal attempt and what kind of tripe is this? It's not football. It is worth remembering that this rule was first attempted in the XFL, which we already agreed never happened. Tommy Maddox was selling insurance that year before joining the Steelers.

Then there's the Canadian Football League. Last year, a few of the Comcast Sports regional channels, FOX Sports regional channels, FOX College Sports, and independent sports channels like the MSG Network started carrying CFL games, and it appears they will this year, as well. This means that if you subscribe to a cable system that carries one of the above networks, you get to see some CFL games, and if you get the DirecTV or Dish Network sports packages, you can see very nearly all of them.

Last year, I gave the CFL a shot and as sacrilegious, nay, treasonous as it may sound, I fell in love with it. I did. The games are imported, graphics and all, from either CBC or TSN (Canada's national sports network), and they broadcast the games cleanly and knowledgeably. I was especially impressed with TSN's Chris Cuthbert, who strikes just the right note between professional disinterest and enthusiasm, and I've come to understand he's a national hockey announcer in Canada announcer, as well.

In fact, with Keith Jackson joining Pat Summerall in the retirement house, I'll even go as far as to say he's my favorite football announcer working today — although that says as much about the dearth of national announcing talent in the U.S. (I'm staring directly at Joe Buck when I say that) as it does about Cuthbert. The CBC announcers are a little on the dry side, but generally all the announcers, analysts, and studio guys I watched at both networks were articulate and interesting (which puts them above the CBS guys) without being gimmicky or over-the-top (which puts them ahead of the FOX guys).

I'll get my testosterone card pulled for saying this, but another thing I like are the uniforms. Again, a perfect balance is struck by most teams. They are neither boring, plain, and "traditional" like Penn State or Alabama, nor overdone like Arena League unis.

The rule differences (12 men, 110-yard field, plus 20-yard deep end zones, surrendering a point on a touchback, etc.) are tolerable, and I sort of enjoy the main difference — three downs instead of four — as a change of pace from American football. In fact, if you've been watching the CFL all summer, going back to four downs seems sort of conservative and stodgy.

With three downs, every play has a sense of urgency. Fail on first down and all of the sudden you're in that zone us Americans feel on third down: do or die. Needless to say, this opens up the game a great deal and teams pass more than they run. But they do run, and the pass-first philosophy that three downs compels actually opens up the running game. It works.

So consider this column your CFL primer and preview ... although since I've only been following the Canadian game a year myself, I will refrain from making predictions or trying to wing any hardcore knowledge. The season kicks off June 13th.

Eastern Conference

Montreal Alouettes

Last season — 10-8; Lost to Edmonton in the Grey Cup (CFL Championship Game).

Players you may recognize — Quincy Carter, Avon Cobourne, Robert Edwards (yeah, that one: the Patriots tailback who tore up his leg).

Look/style seems inspired by — The World League of American Football, ca. 1990.

Comments — The Als are my favorite CFL team. Their star quarterback, Anthony Calvillo, is probably too old to be given a serious look by the NFL, but I think he could've made an impact. They were formerly the Baltimore Stallions when the CFL experimented with having American franchises in the mid-'90s.

Toronto Argonauts

Last season — 11-7; Lost to Montreal in Eastern Conference Final.

Players you may recognize — Ricky Williams in a minute here, Eric Crouch, Saladin McCullough, Lee Woodall, R. Jay Soward, Jon Avery.

Look/style seems inspired by — No one in particular, but you can see here if you scroll down to their historical helmets, they've gotten more boring of late.

Comments — CFL detractors like to guffaw at the fact that Damon Allen, who turns 43 in July and is Marcus's brother, is still a CFL heavyweight (he compiled a QB rating over 100 last year). But Warren Moon made a Pro Bowl in his 40s.

Hamilton Tiger-Cats

Last season — 5-13.

Players you may recognize — Kwame Cavil, Anthony Davis, Craig Yeast.

Look/style seems inspired by — The Pittsburgh Steelers come closest.

Comments — Their PA announcer is fun and sounds like Randy "Macho Man" savage. Probably the worst team in the CFL last year, but they beat their archrivals (Toronto) in their annual Labor Day battle, which is a CFL tradition like Detroit and Dallas on Thanksgiving here.

Winnipeg Blue Bombers

Last season — 5-13.

Players you may recognize — Tee Martin, Onterrio Smith, Brad Banks.

Look/style seems inspired by — Washington (the University, not the Redskins).

Comments — They are moving to the Eastern Conference from the Western Conference this year after the Ottawa Renegades (look/style seemed inspired by Texas Tech) suspended operations last month. Whenever a franchise folds or the league expands, Winnipeg is the franchise called upon to switch conferences and balance things out. This isn't their first conference move.

Western Conference

British Columbia Lions

Last season — 12-6; Lost to Edmonton in Western Conference Final.

Players you may recognize — Jarious Jackson, Ryan Thelwell, Tim Wansley, Aaron Lockett.

Look/style seems inspired by — Nothing springs to mind.

Comments — Started last year 11-0, setting a CFL winning streak record. Then they finished 1-7 to close out the season. How's that for a turnaround? It's like every team figured them out at once.

Edmonton Eskimos

Last season — 11-7; defeated Montreal to win Grey Cup.

Players you may recognize — Troy Davis, Reggie Durden, Jason Johnson.

Look/style seems inspired by — The Green Bay Packers.

Comments — The Esks are the Packers North through and through — same colors, both play in a frozen tundra of sorts (Edmonton being the northernmost big city in North America), both have a successful history and both have an iconic quarterback (okay, so Eskimo QB Ricky Ray is too young to be an icon, but he was the Grey Cup MVP and he's balding, so he looks older than he is).

Calgary Stampeders

Last season — 11-7; Lost to Edmonton in Western Conference semifinal.

Players you may recognize — Henry Burris, Jeremaine Copeland, Terrence Wilkins, Ken-Yon Rambo, Danny McManus.

Look/style seems inspired by — SMU.

Comments — This is where Doug Flutie played the bulk of his CFL career. Edmonton is their big rival. Known colloquially as the Stamps.

Saskatchewan Roughriders

Last season — 9-9; Lost to Montreal in Eastern Conference semifinal (crossed over from Western Conference for playoffs due to imbalance of teams).

Players you may recognize — Darian Durant, Almondo Curry, Kareem Kelly.

Look/style seems inspired by — Nobody since the New York Jets and Philadelphia Eagles both decided green has to be very dark to be sufficiently masculine. Saskatchewan uses a lighter green more reminiscent of the Jets and Eagles of the '80s and have, in my opinion, the sharpest uniforms of the CFL.

Comments — Up until recently, they shared a nickname with the Ottawa Rough Riders, who folded in 1996. The Roughriders played the Rough Riders four times in the Grey Cup. A segment of their fans are called melonheads, who hollow out a watermelon and use it as a hat. Once again, I sense the influence of the Green Bay Packers.