There is enough "O" in Sacramento, but apparently not enough "D."
That was the sentiment of the Maloof brothers after firing former head coach Rick Adelman this week.
Adelman had led the Kings to eight straight playoff appearances, but had fallen out of favor with the owners during the season.
Looking at the Sacramento lineup prior to Ron Artest, one wonders exactly what kind of magic the Maloofs were expecting Adelman to work in order to produce defense.
Kenny Thomas and Brad Miller? Seriously? That's your inside defense?
Along comes Mr. First-Team All-Defense Ron Artest, and suddenly the Kings turn things around and march into the playoffs to face the San Antonio Spurs.
Of course, they lost. Everyone knew that was going to happen. It was fun to watch for a little bit, but the Spurs are the better team.
Does that mean that given more time and some personnel changes, Rick Adelman couldn't have gotten his team to compete against the Spurs and the Western Conference next season?
No.
It simply means that without Artest, the Kings had a defense slightly worse than that of my eighth-grade middle school team.
However, the turnaround at the end of the season and the eight consecutive playoff appearances were not enough to save Adelman's job.
The Maloofs are looking for another coach.
Don Nelson has been mentioned in connection with the job, mainly because he is one of the few available candidates with the experience and success necessary to take over the Kings. However, the Maloofs are denying these reports, saying that Nelson wouldn't really fit into their defense-first approach.
Who cares about his philosophy on defense, or the fact that he went 339-251 with four 50-win seasons with the Dallas Mavericks?
What's most important is that he is working on a television project with the Maloof brothers for which he plays the coach of a fictional expansion team. Here we all thought he had been retired from coaching, and there he was hiding in the background practicing on a fictional set.
There are certainly some big names connected to this show, bigger than producer George Clooney.
Vlade Divac, Norm Nixon, and Marques Johnson are all onboard.
These three guys are my first recommendation to the Maloofs for the Sacramento coaching vacancy.
Divac would obviously be the head coach for a few reasons:
1. Vlade dadi, we all likes to party.
2. His wedding was attended by over 1.000 people and the ceremony was broadcast live in Yugoslavia.
3. His delicacy and deftness while helping to create a chocolate fountain shows his ability to lead a basketball team.
Norm Nixon would absolutely be the man to replace Divac should anything take place that wouldn't allow Vlade to coach (a renewal of his vows ceremony broadcast live on ESPN?).
Nixon appeared in The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh, a moving film about a team that absolutely stinks until they consult an astrologer and decide to only have players born under Pisces. Also in this fine film, Dr. J, Marv Albert, and Kareem.
Not to rest on his laurels, Nixon also appeared in Out-of-Sync as "Basketball Player #1."
I wonder what he's more proud of, "Basketball Player #1" or 15.7 points per game for his career?
Probably 15.7 points per game because, after all, it's not like "Basketball Player #1" is a challenging, Oscar-worthy role like "Frightened Inmate #2."
Maybe the Maloofs won't take my recommendation. Maybe they are looking for real coaching chops instead of acting chops.
According to some reports, the Kings are also looking at San Antonio assistant P.J. Carlesimo and former Kings assistant Terry Porter.
Both options are obviously poor choices compared to the troika of Divac, Nixon, and Johnson. However, if I had to make a choice, I would go with Terry Porter for a couple of reasons.
First, P.J Carlesimo already had one disastrous mishap with an unruly player. Do you really think he's the man you should employ to try and keep Ron Artest happy and handcuff-free?
Second, if the Kings are going to try and take personnel from the Spurs in an effort to mimic the strategy of the Cavs, then they should choose former player Terry Porter. Danny Ferry and Mike Brown, both formerly employed by the Spurs in some capacity, have come into the Cavaliers' franchise and taken them to the playoffs.
The similarity?
Ferry and Brown are bald.
So is Terry Porter.
You have to mirror every minor detail if you want to have the same effect.
Sorry, P.J.
The Maloof brothers have said that during this week they are going to take a look at all of the candidates (and hopefully a copy of The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh) and make a shortlist of final choices.
In an effort to save them some time (after all, they have a show about a fictional NBA team to help produce), I've taken the liberty of creating my own shortlist.
1. The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh II: The Sacramento Remake
Clearly, Divac, Nixon, and Johnson are the winning team. The Maloofs could even offer Nixon the title of, "Coaching Assistant #1.")
2. Peter Gammons and John Kruk
Who knows more about defense than King of the Webgem himself, Peter Gammons?
What's John Kruk there for?
To sit on Ron Artest should there be any problems.
3. Steve Kerr
Doesn't being an analyst and announcer for more than two seasons qualify you for a head coaching job these days?
4. Larry Brown
I predict that if the Knicks decide to buy Larry Brown out of his contract, there will be another feeding frenzy among NBA teams for the vaunted coach.
His goal for the next year?
To coach every NBA team in a matter of two months and collect on $170 million in contract buy-outs.
5. Marv Albert
Because, as far as I'm concerned, everybody in The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh is qualified to be a head coach.
6. The PA Announcer From the And1 Mix Tour
I would pay decent money to see him run up and down the court shouting at the crowd to get more pumped.
The hire would have a whole bunch of additional benefits, like finding out the secret nicknames for all the players, and saving some money from not having to hire a real PA announcer.
In fact, the Maloof brothers could use it to finance a new television project that would tell of a fictional basketball team that lacked the ability to play defense until they signed a First-Team All-Defense stud.
It would end up being a sad story, though, because in the end, the coach would be fired as an excuse for poor ownership.
Maybe it's a good thing the Maloofs might be looking at current television coach Don Nelson to lead the Kings next year because in the land of Sacramento, they seem to be more obsessed with fiction than reality.
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