Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — After an early green flag pit stop that dropped him a lap down, Johnson struggled for the remainder of the day to recover that lap. Finally, on lap 386, the caution flew and Johnson moved back to the lead lap. Unfortunately, only 14 laps remained, and Johnson was unable to get any higher than 12th.
"We didn't win the race," says Johnson, "but we displayed a winning spirit. And that's what's important. As national spokesman for the All American Soap Box Derby, that's the message we're trying to impart. Give it your best, and good things will happen. Incidentally, I feel confident that Chad Knaus' entry into the Soap Box Derby will win easily. It will be the only motorized vehicle in the competition, but Chad's a master of disguising that sort of thing."
Johnson increased his points lead on his closest pursuer from 21 to 55 points. That closest pursuer now just happens to be the hard-charging Tony Stewart.
2. Tony Stewart — After qualifying 18th, Stewart grappled with the No. 20 Home Depot Chevrolet's handling for a majority of the race. But, late in the day, Stewart found the elusive balance between steering wheel and tires, and charged to a sixth-place finish.
"You know," says Stewart, "I had my pet monkey Mojo with me in the pits for the pre-race ceremonies, and somehow that little primate fiddled with the car's setup. If I'm told him once I've told him a million times, he's with me for two things and two things only: to teach me how to more skillfully climb fences after wins and to help me master the lost art of the monkey bars. I'm a terror on the track as well as the playground."
With his seventh top-10 finish of the year, Stewart storms into second in the points, and now trails Johnson by 55 points.
3. Kevin Harvick — Harvick was clearly the class of the field for three-quarters of the race, leading 272 of the first 329 laps. But a questionable call to remain on the track while everyone else pitted on lap 288 eventually cost him the win and his second sweep of the Busch series and Cup races this year. Harvick won the Circuit City 250 Friday night in Richmond, and clinched the Busch series title with 24 races left. Actually, Harvick didn't clinch, but he might as well have.
"You win some and you lose some," laments Harvick. "And your crew chiefs blows the others with unwise pit calls. Did I see Tony Stewart's monkey wearing headphones on top of my pit box? I noticed that every time the yellow caution flew, the monkey had to have a banana."
No, Stewart's monkey was down the way a bit confronting the monkeys of Greg Biffle and Kurt Busch. In any case, Harvick has a massive 317-point lead in the Busch race, and moves up two places to fifth in the Cup standings, 208 out of first.
4. Dale Earnhrdt, Jr. — Earnhardt won for the first time in 20 starts, passing Kevin Harvick with 47 laps remaining to win the Crown Royal 400, much to the delight of a partisan Earnhardt Nation crowd. Later, it was announced that May 6 would be observed as a holiday for all Earnhardt fans, unpaid of course. In addition, special 12-packs of Budweiser will be sold, for a limited time, in purple velvet bags with gold stitching.
"That's all news to me," says Earnhardt. "Myself, I'm partial to Milwaukee's Best and Old Crow liquor in a paper sack. But, I'm happy for my fans and happy for the No. 8 Budweiser team. My job is to win races, but it's more important that I sell beer."
With the win, Earnhardt jumps two places to sixth in the Nextel Cup points race, and is 216 behind Jimmie Johnson.
5. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth splattered the track when his oil tank ruptured on lap 78, sending him to the garage and sending the clean-up crews on the track. By the time the No. 17 Dewalt Ford returned to the track 50 laps later, Kenseth was already 42 laps down and in 42nd position.
"But boy was that track spotless," says Kenseth. "That cleanup crew is on the ball, and much quicker at cleaning up messes than my crew. I haven't seen an oil spill clean-up that quick since Halliburton cleaned up a mess in Iraq. Of course, Vice President Dick Cheney pocketed about a million bucks for that. The NASCAR crew works much cheaper, and they get free tickets to the races."
Kenseth did manage to finish 38th, but the result cost him second place in the points. He's now third, 99 points back.
6. Mark Martin — Martin was the last of three Roush Fords in the top 11, as teammates Greg Biffle and Carl Edwards finished fourth and seventh, respectively. Martin's 11th-place finish advances him one place in the points to fourth, and he trails Jimmie Johnson by 176 points.
"As a matter of fact," says Martin, "Greg, Carl, and myself were the only Fords in the top 11. But there were five Chevrolets in the top six. I guess the saying is right: nothing says 'America' like baseball, apple pie, and Chevrolet. But that's changing. Pretty soon, when you say 'America,' you'll think of soccer, fried ice cream, and Toyota. And the national anthem might be sung in Spanish."
7. Kasey Kahne — Kahne sputtered to a 34th-place finish, thanks in part to some unattached spark plug wires that cost him five laps. After the problem was corrected, Kahne had one of the fastest cars on the track, but a lack of luck and a lack of cautions allowed him to make up only one lap, and he finished four laps down.
"You could say we were running a little 'loose,'" says Kahne, "meaning 'loose' spark plug wires. What brilliant crew member forgot those? Luckily, some of our more accomplished crew guys remembered to put gas in the car and attach four, count 'em, four wheels."
It was Kahne's second consecutive worse-than-30th finish, and third of the year. As a result, he falls three places in the points to seventh.
8. Jeff Gordon — In a bad day for former champions. Gordon, like Matt Kenseth, suffered early trouble and faltered to his worst finish of the year. Gordon had moved up to 13th from his qualifying start of 16th when his engine sputtered on lap 227. Despite extensive time behind the wall, Gordon's crew never could identify the problem, and the No. 24 Dupont Chevrolet limped home in 39th.
"Back-to-back Gordons," say Gordon. "Robby Gordon finished 39th and I finished 40th. It's usually not a good sign when you finish behind Robby Gordon. Despite sharing the same last name, we are not related. But I wish Robby could have taken a look under my hood. Maybe he could have diagnosed the problem, because my crew sure couldn't. Again, I reiterate, I am not related to Robby Gordon."
Gordon tumbles to ninth in the points and is 305 back of teammate Jimmie Johnson.
9. Kyle Busch — Busch celebrated his 21st birthday on May 2nd with a fifth-place finish in the Crown Royal 400 in Richmond, his third top-five result this year. Busch moves up one notch to eighth in the points, 284 out of first.
"Fifth-place is great," says Busch, "but what's even better is that now I can drink the beverages that sponsor several cars and some races. That's reason to celebrate. Of course, I'm sponsored by Kellogg's, but let's say I was sponsored by Budweiser or Crown Royal while under 21. I could sell the product, but I couldn't drink it. That's hypocritical. NASCAR should do something about that, like lobby for the drinking age to return to 18. I've already started working on the winning essay to have next year's Richmond race called the 'Crown Royal Kyle Busch 400.'"
10. Jeff Burton — Like teammate Kevin Harvick, Burton was strong all day but his hopes for winning were dashed when, after a lap 345 caution, the No. 31 Cingular Chevy pitted while the pits were yet to be open. Burton was penalized with relegation to the end of the longest line, which left him in 14th place. After making up some ground, a spin on lap 390 dropped him back, and he finished fifteenth.
"We had a car that could have won," says Burton, "but we folded like the Lakers with a 3-1 series lead against the Suns. But seriously, who cares about the NBA? Not fans of NASCAR. Apparently, some people would rather watch a two-hour rain delay at Talladega than an NBA playoff game. Those people must really like racing. Or maybe they just like watching it rain."
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