Miami vs. Miami

Say what you will about the mainstream media — sometimes they have the resources to put together some incredible packets of information.

I speak of the Indianapolis Star's incredible database of the financial nuts and bolts of nearly every Division 1-A college program (some I-AA, as well), both in terms of their profits and their expenses. It's surprisingly comprehensible and digestible.

For example, what school made the most money off of football tickets? That would be Ohio State, just barely ahead of, coincidentally enough, Michigan. Yet another reason that, say what you will about Auburn/Alabama or Army/Navy or whatever, there's no surpassing the Ohio State/Michigan rivalry.

But who made the least off of football tickets in Division I? Florida International. Obviously, they have a ton of built-in excuses, chiefly that they are new to Division I. But I still find it ponderable, for the same reason that I find it ponderable that virtually all big city Division I cities, with a few exceptions like Los Angeles and Atlanta.

Florida International is located in Miami, so not only does it get to try to convince citizens that a day of FIU football is a better choice than other city happenings, but they have to somehow convince Joe Citizen to go the their games instead of Da Games of Da U (University of Miami for the uninformed).

How do you even start to do that? "Yeah, we're a struggling Sun Belt team, but come see us instead of that other local team that consistently challenges for national championships, plays an explosive brand of football, and has led the NCAA in SQPG eight of the last 10 years (Swagger Quotient Per Game)."

Indeed, Florida International University is one of the biggest schools you have never heard of. It has nearly 40,000 undergraduate and graduate students, more than twice that of da (private) U. In terms of recognition, though, not just athletically but culturally and academically, Miami has a 40-year head-start on FIU, which didn't break ground until 1965.

Is there hope that FIU can stay afloat in Division IA? Who knows. I'm a big believer in the enterprising minds of college students in action. That's why it kind of sickens me that schools don't merely source the manufacture of their uniforms to companies like Nike, but their very designs to those companies, as well.

You remember those hideous sleeves-of-different-color uniforms that Florida and Virginia Tech busted out last year? You ever notice that have half of college basketball has the same warmup suits, with only the colors differing? That's not a happy accident. That's Nike leaving their imprint. Not satisfied with a incalculable success of the swoosh, they try to create other recognizable swatches and styles to maximize consumer awareness and ultimately, profitability. And these schools, each of whom I'm sure has at least a few dozen art students that could design uniforms that would blow your mind (in a good way), says to Nike, "sure, go ahead and do it on our backs." Sickening, I tell you.

Da U is another template school of the Nike Conference (FIU's website seems to imply a recent switch from Nike to Adidas), so that works against Florida International, as well. So who can defeat the Evil Conglomerate from turning the beloved neighborhood teen center (or FIU football stadium) into a parking lot? Why, the plucky students, of course! Lord knows I don't have the answers, but a passionate student group can be fiendishly clever and practice some effective guerrilla marketing.

Of course, it would help if FIU fielded a winning football program. Are they anywhere near doing that? Perhaps. They have a nice receiver in Chandler Williams and the best QB in the Sun Belt in Josh Padrick. They were 3-4 in the Sun Belt and although they took their share of beatings, they kept it respectable at Kansas State, losing 35-21. The head coach is a name well-known in Miami and anyone with more than a passing interest in the NFL in the '80s: Don Strock.

Not bad for their first year in Division I-A and fourth year overall. Okay, I guess considering how infant-new the football program is, I can't compare their football stadium to the nostalgia-dripped sock hop being threatened with demolition by the evil developers. But I can damn sure compare Da U to the evil developers, and I can declare FIU the official college football team of Slant Pattern. And so it is done.

Oh yes ... their inaugural game against Da U is October 14th. Little Giants 2 anyone?