The most significant oil crisis in modern day America happened before my days began. The notion that, back in 1973, drivers with license plates ending in an odd number could only purchase gasoline on odd-numbered days of the month is, to me, the stuff of Orwellian nightmares.
Today, as prices are inflating again, we're hearing stories of thieves stealing gas — sometimes from the pumps, and sometimes from other cars. I don't want to say this burgeoning oil crisis has created a sense of lawlessness, but I'm pretty sure I just saw Mel Gibson drive past my house while being chased by a gang of post-apocalyptic bikers with mohawks.
"We're addicted to oil" is a phrase I've heard used in several stump speeches from Republicans, Democrats, Greens, and a variety of other political persuasions. It's such an empty, obvious admission that means absolutely nothing unless accompanied by action. It's a bit like a co-ed waking up with a hangover while wearing only some dude's varsity jacket, swearing she'd "never drink again," and then heading to the Tappa Kegga party a few hours later. You make that bed, you lie in it.
Where's the leadership? It certainly can't come from a Congress that is too worried about their own electoral lives to oversee a total re-imagination of the U.S. economy — hell, they can't even figure out whether to keep the illegals here or toss 'em back over the border like an undersized bass.
It certainly can't come from a President whom, shall we say, has a vested interest in seeing oil maintain its place in the arteries and veins of America's economic system. It's laughable to hear Bush talk about alternative fuels with the sincerity of Matt Leinart explaining he's happy to be an Arizona Cardinal because they play on the "West Coast" and he can learn a lot from Kurt Warner. (What's Warner going to tell him? "Make sure you have the best pass-catching running back in the league, three great wide receivers, and play 80% of your games on artificial turf ... oh, and never put eggs and a six-pack of Coke in the same grocery bag.")
Where's the leadership? The better question is "where should it be?" And for that answer, I turn to the single most influential organization in America: NASCAR.
According to some estimates by the league, racers consume about 6,000 gallons of racing fuel every weekend of the season. Emagazine.com, an environmental publication, had its own estimate:
"At the average consumption of two miles per gallon in a 250-mile race, 125 gallons of fuel would be required per car. Multiply that by 40 cars in one race, and each event consumes the staggering figure of 5,000 gallons of gasoline! If there are 10 races per week, that's 50,000 gallons. Multiply that by the number of NASCAR official tracks (not counting small ones), and the fuel consumption rises astronomically-to roughly two million gallons for one season!"
Where does the fuel come from? According to FOXSports.com, it comes from Sunoco at no cost, because it is the "Official Fuel of NASCAR." (I'm always fascinated by the "official ____ of ____" thing. For example, Popeye's Chicken is "The Official Chicken of the Washington Redskins." So can Santana Moss walk into any D.C. area franchise, flash some ID and get a bucket of wings? And does that count against the salary cap?)
It's not just the fuel used in races, of course: it's the fuel used to get to the races, to haul all of those cars and equipment from pit to pit. NASCAR, to its credit, recognizes the utter hypocrisy of wasting fuel for fun and games every weekend while many Americans have had to rearrange their financial lives in order to purchase a tank of gas.
"I hope fans believe me when I say this: receiving race fuel at the track has always been a privilege, and we know that," team owner Richard Childress told FOXSports.com, "and fans can rest assured that everybody in NASCAR feels the pain of rising fuel costs every bit as much as they do. We are all in this together."
Right ... it's just that NASCAR doesn't feel the pain as much as, say, Indy Racing, which is actually taking steps to help Americans get over our oil addiction.
The 90th Indianapolis 500 will be the first in which the full field uses ethanol, that magic grain alcohol that can be used as a fuel additive or alternative. This year, the IRL will use a blend of 90 percent methanol and 10 percent ethanol in its cars, which get less than two miles per gallon. By 2007, the cars will run on 100 percent ethanol. Combine this with the fact that IRL is also home to the barrier-breaking Danica Patrick, and Indy racing may actually be more progressive than Howard Dean.
It's time for NASCAR to also set up and take a stand against our oil addiction.
What better time than now?
And what better way than this:
No one is telling NASCAR and its drivers that they can't make money. It's just that with the state of the world today, any sport that's going to irresponsibly guzzle gas in a variety of ways needs to make sacrifices. In NASCAR's case, that means putting said gas guzzlers in mothballs until prices settle or fuel alternatives are considered — and replacing them with chariot races.
This would solve so many problems for NASCAR, it's amazing the league hasn't considered it earlier. Imagine the new sponsorship opportunities: Home Depot and Lowe's battling to become the official wood supplier; leather companies vying to make the uniforms, which can still have plenty of space for other ads — and let's not forget about those post-race toga parties sponsored by Maxim.
Pit crews will spend the race making new wheels and sharpening weapons. Oh yes, there will be weapons: what's the sense of having chariot races if Kevin Harvick and Kurt Busch can't jab each other with spears during the final laps?
The benefits simply don't stop coming. Think about the promotional cross-over with other sports, namely horse racing. Could you imagine Jeff Gordon entering a race with the winners of the Kentucky Derby and the Belmont Stakes harnessed to his chariot?
And speaking of Gordon, wouldn't all that debate regarding "NASCAR drivers aren't athletes" go out the window if he and the other stars had to Ben-Hur their way around 400 laps?
From an economic and social responsibility standpoint, this is the only decision NASCAR can make at this critical juncture in our nation's history. It's time to do the right thing, the honest thing, the patriotic thing.
Just think of the new slogan: "NASCHARIOT: Now We're Talkin' Serious Horsepower!"
Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington, DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" will be published in spring 2006. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
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