A Tribute to God

After years as a spectator, it finally looks as if the Almighty is going to step between the ropes and compete on his own behalf. In the upcoming WWE Backlash pay-per-view, Vince and Shane McMahon are fighting in a tag team match against Shawn Michaels and God. In honor of God's first match, I wanted to recount the top five interactions God has had with the sports world. But before that, I guess it's important to find out how this came about.

Last month, Shawn Michaels (who is about 55 now) defeated Vince McMahon (who is about 65 now) in a gruesome match. The next day, Vince started claiming that the only reason Shawn won was because he had divine intervention. Vince was pissed, and called out God. This resulted in Vince and Shane cutting a promo going to a church looking for their competition and even in God running interference for Shawn Michaels a few weeks back as Vince narrowly avoided several strikes of lightning and an impromptu fire. I would imagine this match will rank up there for God's sports experience, but he's still had some memorable influence.

God's 63-point game against the Celtics — In Michael Jordan's second season in the NBA, he dropped a playoff record 63 points on the Boston Celtics. Larry Bird, looking for a rationalization for Jordan's dominance, seemed to have a solid theory: "I think it's just God disguised as Michael Jordan," Bird said.

There's no question that Jordan's performance was awe-inspiring, but here's my main problem with Bird's theory — the Bulls lost. I'm not sure that he has a great deal of basketball experience, and 63 points is nothing to laugh at for anyone's first game, let alone at the NBA level. Still, consider me crazy or a God-fearing man, but I was expecting something a little more out of the Most High, or even just a win. What's it say when Kobe can score more points in a game than God?

God helps the Colts, then conveniently "forgets" about them at the most crucial juncture of the year — The Colts certainly had a strange comeback against the Steelers in their playoff game this year. It seemed as if everything was going their way. Coach Tony Dungy even said, "I really felt the Lord's hand was on this team."

Kicker Mike Vanderjagt felt the same way, well, until he missed his game-tying 46-yard field goal. "All the cards seemed to be lining up in our favor," Vanderjagt said. "I guess the Lord forgot about the field goal."

Mike should just be happy the Lord even gave him a chance to have a game-tying attempt. I guess Mike should ask himself this, if he's relying on the Almighty to help him kick field goals, how much of that multi-million dollar contract is he kicking back God's way? This, in my mind, is almost cause for an investigation, because it seems clear that Vanderjagt was using a performance enhancer, albeit a heavenly one. Of course, I got to the bottom of this issue shortly after that loss with my "God Hates the Colts" column (worth the look back in the SFM archives).

2003 Ohio State national championship — I'm a Notre Dame fan, so you can understand why I was furious when I found out my God helped a heathen school win a national title, especially since our last title was in 1993 (1988 if we're being "technical"). Of course, I was a bitter football fan back then in general, and now that Charlie Weis is leading the Irish back to glory, I don't feel as upset by this situation. I also think the entertaining Maurice Clarett debacle helped, as well. Still, this title will always be tainted in my mind.

Shortly after the championship run, Buckeyes safety Will Allen told a reporter that in, "A lot of games, I'll say God has been on our side."
"I wouldn't say it's luck or fortune," Allen said. "I wouldn't say it's by mishap or even coincidence — I think it's planned that way."

Call me a cynic, but if that's the cause, I just don't see the point. I mean, God could've let me know what's up and I could've founded an orphanage or something charitable. Then, after laying a few large on the Buckeyes to win it all at the start of the season, the poorest of the poor would be living in the lap of luxury. Think "Annie" in a Bentley. It could've been good times for all.

Still, who am I to criticize God's plan? It is what it is I suppose, but Buckeye fans, don't ever forget the true MVP of that season.

God's stint at Deion Sanders financial consultant — This is probably one of my favorite Deion Sanders stories of all time. Almost three years ago, an automotive shop brought a lawsuit against Deion Sanders because Sanders only paid $1,500 of a $4,265.57 repair bill. Sanders told the company that Jesus advised him that all he needed to pay was the $1,500.

Deion lucked out here, what is the auto shop supposed to do, take it up with the Big Guy upstairs? And how did Jesus know Sanders only owed $1,500? Is he a car buff, or maybe he sent one of those angels to inspect the damage? This also has me thinking, did Jesus advise Prime Time on other financial matters? Did he tell Deion he had to pay only a partial amount of his child support or Big Macs at McDonald's should really be "buy one, get one free?"

Boston's 2004 World Series — I have no evidence of this one, no over-the-top ridiculous quote, it's just a hunch. One of the greatest comebacks in sports, overcoming a decades-old curse, and doing it all against one of the best teams in baseball? It just doesn't add up. My gut says that the Boston players, unlike Allen, Vanderjagt, Bird, and Sanders, were just too stupid to realize God's influence on their title. I wouldn't expect him to take this lying down. It's one thing to trade Babe Ruth, it's a much bigger deal when you insult the Creator of the World.

Note to Boston: I hope you enjoyed your title, because it's the last one you will ever win. Amen.

The Sports Gospel According to Mark is sponsored by BetOnSports.com. BetOnSports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on. Wager on football, cricket, boxing, rugby, horse racing, and more. Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].