Sports Q&A: Bonds in Bondage; Derby

Johnnie from Riverside, CA asks, "What is worse? Barry Bonds taking steroids or lying about it in front of a grand jury? And where does this leave his legacy?"

Barry Bonds at the plate: it is going, going, it is gone. Bonds being questioned about steroid use: he is going, going, going to lie. Perjury? That's lying under oath, right? Well, you can't go to jail for just taking steroids, but you can go to jail for committing perjury. Heck, Bonds may have actually taken the steroids in front of the grand jury. He's that bold.

I'm sure Bonds has imagined himself as baseball's all-time home run king. But do you think he's pictured himself in the slammer? I doubt it. If he has, he sees himself in the most minimum of minimum security prisons, where the security is so light, you can take steroids without fear of punishment. It sounds a lot like Major League Baseball, doesn't it? Baseball players are more likely to face punishment for lying about steroids than they are for actually taking them.

So, I guess committing perjury is more serious than simply taking steroids. In the world of Major League Baseball, perjury and steroids go hand in hand. If you are a player and have taken steroids, then you have likely also committed perjury. That is, if you were under oath when you were asked about steroids. Otherwise, you just lied. If you are a baseball player and have perjured yourself, then you probably did it lying about your steroid use.

Lying in front of a grand jury is a serious offense. At least in my eyes. Steroid usage must cloud the judgment of steroid users, because they all seem to tell the same story — a lie. But let's face it. We've all lied. Myself, I've never lied in front of a grand jury, but I have lied in front of a Grand Prix, a Pontiac Grand Prix. I told the officer that I didn't realize I was doing 125 miles per hour in a 35-mph zone. But that's beside the point. Pumping your body full of steroids and who knows what else is also a serious matter, but it is not punishable by time in the cooler. Apparently, in MLB, it's not very punishable at all, unless you consider hitting 60 or more home runs punishment.

The lie should become a recorded statistic in baseball. Bonds would definitely have that record, and I'd have no problem with it. And a poor little asterisk would be spared. But, this is baseball. That asterisk will find a home somewhere. Let's just say Bonds hits his 715th home run and eclipses Babe Ruth's record, with Henry Aaron's mark of 755 in sight. Put one asterisk to signify Bonds may have used illegal enhancements to reach that plateau. Then a double-asterisk to explain that Bonds hit the record-breaking home run while being investigated by the feds. And throw in another asterisk, just for good measure. Do they make steroids for asterisks? Those should be beside any of Bonds' records.

If Bonds did perjure himself, we probably won't know whether he's convicted of it for some time. Will that even matter to Bonds? He's so used to believing his lies that they may not even register with him any more. Not to mention Bonds' massive ego. Even if he is convicted, he likely will still maintain his innocence. The lies will continue. Whatever happens, Bonds' legacy is tarnished forever. He's no Babe, and he's no Aaron. He's not even Barry Bonds, at least the Bonds free of steroids, ego, and possible federal crimes.

Bonds' fall from grace, which he is already in the midst of, is matched only by that of Lucifer, who was cast from heaven, and now has an asterisk by his name, signifying his position as the only leader of Hell who was formerly an angel. Am I comparing Bonds to Lucifer? Why yes, yes I am. No offense, Satan. Actually, I think Lucifer is much more well-liked than Bonds. When we think of Bonds, home runs won't be our first thought. They'll be well down the list. When we think of Ruth and Aaron, home runs come first. Steroids and indictments don't come to mind at all.

The ramifications of Bonds' case may eventually clean up baseball. Baseball is cracking down on steroid use, but it may be too late. The damage has been done, and baseball may have to suffer the hardship of revising the record book. But what's important is sending a strong message to youth baseball players worldwide: if you're going to use steroids, don't break records. Thanks, Barry!

Ed from El Monte, CA writes, “Who do you like in the 132nd running of the Kentucky Derby on May 6th, and would you pay $1,000 for a mint julep at Churchill Downs?"

You have to like the favorites, Brother Derek and Lawyer Ron, at 5-2 and 4-1, respectively. But, my money's on the horse that combines decent odds of 10-1 with the best name in the field, Sinister Minister. As far as the rest of the field goes, Saddle Sore at 15-1 is solid, but has been bothered as of late by jockey itch. Hung Like A Man (20-1) gets no respect in the stable, but has the stamina to go the distance.

Bologna Pogna (25-1) is good in open space, but gets nervous when sandwiched on the rail. At 35-1, Whoreshoed, the lone filly in the field, is fast and loose, and should have no problem amongst the stallions. Holy Crop (50-1) may need divine intervention to race among the leaders. Straight, No Steeplechaser (60-1) is a long shot, while Louis Pasture (65-1) smokes on grass, but is slow on dirt.

Indee Colt (70-1) is a fast starter, but fades down the stretch. At 75-1, All Opposed Say Neigh has little working in his favor. Although he is fast, Whinny The Pooh (80-1) lacks toughness. Crazy Horse (80-1) is a wildcard, but trainer Neil Young has high hopes. S&M (90-1) is far from unbeaten, but responds to the whip well. And Three-Legged Wonder (150-1) has heart, but is injury-prone.

As far as paying $1,000 for a mint julep, of course I would, but only if it came with an escort, a Visa Triple Crown jockey's cap, entry into D. Wayne Lukas' after-race keg party, and an explanation as to exactly what is a mint julep. It's not some crappy Halloween candy handed out by a cheap neighbor? It's got bourbon in it? Great. I'll drink to that. But it would be much more financially-sound to spend a grand on two hundred shots of liquor.

Seriously, the proceeds from the sale of the $1,000 mint julep, if there are any, go to the Thoroughbred Retirement Foundation, which is a good cause. So many horses lack retirement benefits, especially those that aren't of elite status. Elite thoroughbreds, those competing for the Triple Crown, live a privileged life: race, win a few stakes, earn $10 million, and retire to the stud farm. That's why you never see a horse come out of retirement.

So, if you're at the Derby on May 6th, and can afford the $1,000 mint julep (or you get so drunk you buy one anyway), buy one. With your bourbon, you'll get mint from Morocco, ice from the Arctic Circle, and sugar from the South Pacific, or that's what they'll tell you. All that stuff comes from the grocery store. But it's served in a gold-plated goblet. If the goblet is all you crave, wait two weeks and pick up one at a Louisville flea market for two bucks. If you're not at the Derby and want to experience a $1,000 mint julep, pour some cheap liquor over a peppermint candy and burn one thousand dollars in cash.

Get Your Questions Answered!

Do you have a question or comment? Were your 15 minutes of fame preempted by a rerun of The Andy Griffith Show? When someone says "Hour of Power," does a drinking game come to mind as opposed to a religious experience? Then send your question/comment/answers and a small donation along with your name and hometown to [email protected]. You may get the answer you're looking for in the next column on Friday, May 5th.