I have a problem with Barry Bonds and his ESPN reality TV show, "Bonds on Bonds." I don't have a problem with Barry dictating what's on the show and what's not. I don't have a problem with ESPN sacrificing their journalistic integrity, either — they did what they thought would be best for them.
My problems are with all those directly involved with the show. Simply put, if things continue on the pace set by the mediocre debut, this will be one colossal failure for all involved. If we are playing the blame game, though, it points to one person — Barry Bonds.
Bonds had a golden opportunity fall into his lap with this show. He was going to get to manipulate mainstream media to present him in a favorable light. After years of being attacked the media, he was going to get to few punches of his own (using the media, ironically enough). Those opposed to the show were either journalists or those who blindly hate Bonds. The majority of the country was ready to buy whatever message Bonds was selling as truth. This should've been an easier score than "performing" at a Duke lacrosse party (what, too soon?). Instead, a tearful Bonds took this opportunity to present an image better suited for "America's Next Top Model" or "American Idol."
I have to admit that I didn't watch much the show as I couldn't stomach the colossal blunder. I did catch the highlights and recaps of the show and I couldn't be more confused. He gets a once-in-a-15-minutes chance to recreate his image and he utilizes this by ... crying? Didn't he get the Adam Morrison-sized memo? Crying is for losers. Seriously, when has crying in front of millions of people improved any guy's image for the better? This has got to go down as one of the worst produced shows in the history of reality TV. Honestly, is the best they can do throwing a freaking syringe onto the field on opening day?
Granted, it's easy to criticize someone, but there's really no point unless you know how to do it better. Seeing as how I've already criticized, you can correctly infer that I know how to do it better. Note to any "BoB" producers: please feel free to take my game plan to your superiors to ensure you still have work next week. Here's how the show should have unfolded:
Scene One
The first scene of the show starts out very simply, with Bonds walking down a busy downtown street towards the market while talking about how much of a villain he seems to be. "I don't how my image tanked, to be honest," explains a contrite Bonds. "The media certainly know how to twist a story, and now I'm afraid that the real Bonds will never be revealed. It's just sad you know, because people only get to see you through the prejudices of someone else. That's why I wanted to do this show, I'm not going to sit here and tell you what I am, 'cuz that ain't real."
Bonds stops in mid-rant to take off his jacket and place it on a homeless man. "As I was saying," he continues, "actions are real. And I just hope that doing this whole camera thing, that maybe you will pick up a few of my actions and judge me yourself." Bonds stops again as he prepares to cross a street, helping an elderly lady who just happened to be heading across the same street at the same exact time. "I'm just real, man, trying to be real."
After the commercial break, Bonds is walking through the store with a purpose. The audience naturally would be shocked to just see him shopping for groceries, let alone doing it with efficiency. "Being hungry is one of the worst feelings in the world," Bonds explains as he continues to shop furiously, occasionally clearing his throat in a threatening manner when he crosses an indecisive, aisle-blocking housewife and cart combo. "That and choking, or drowning. Yeah, those are the worst feelings you can have."
The audience finally starts to see Bonds as they expect, greedy and thinking only of appeasing his appetite. As Bonds continues to run down other terrible feelings in life ("being late for the doctor's and not knowing if they've called your name, waiting in traffic, and forgetting the birthday of someone close to you" also rank highly), he takes his groceries from the cashier and takes them out to his car.
(If you are like me, you are wondering, "How did the car get there, he walked to the store?" What, has your car never followed you to the store before? If not, then surely your life isn't "real" enough.)
He then drives them straight across the street and drops off the goods at a nearby food pantry. "I can't stop people from choking or drowning, but I can at least make sure they got something to eat," explains Bonds.
Scene Two
Scene two starts with Bonds mowing his lawn off in the distance. He does one pass of the yard and stops as he nears the position of the cameras. He stops mowing and leans on a nearby tree. "I like to get out and do some yard work every day — a man's gotta take care of what's his," says Bonds with a smile and a wipe of his now sweaty brow. "Like baseball, keeping a yard real takes true work and determination, I mean, if I can't take care of my stuff, who will, ya know?" Bonds asks, as a cat purrs from above. "Oh no, is that Mrs. Henderson's cat? Geez, that thing gets stuck up there all the time. You would think a 97-year-old woman could care for her pets better," Bonds reasons as a crew of illegal immigrants finishes mowing the lawn in the background.
"I'm sorry, this is so awkward," Bonds says as he starts to coax the cat out of the tree. "Hey, can you guys turn off those cameras, I don't want this to seem like some publicity stunt. I gotta be real." The cameras fade back in with Bonds holding the cat, while "Mrs. Henderson" conveniently enters stage right to claim the feline. "She's sure got a lot of energy, Mrs. H," Bonds says.
Mrs. Henderson cannot pass up a chance to talk up a bunch of strangers with recording equipment, so she quickly begins heaping praise on her hero. "Barry has always helped me meet the rigors of daily life. Did you know Martin Luther King used to get cats out of trees for old ladies? I read that somewhere, I also read that Ghandi, the Mahatma himself, couldn't pass a tree that had a cat in it without helping it," claims the old lady. "Who would've thought a modern-day Ghandi would be so attractive though? It's true!"
"Oh, Mrs. H," laughs Bonds. "You're probably right."
I think this would've made for a suitable for a first episode. It gives the viewer a brief glimpse of Barry Bonds the good guy. Next week, should the show be continues, I'll release a few more epic scenes to show Barry the victim, including the two that will elevate the show from good to great ("Media attack" will show the difficulty of dealing with the media, "Ninja attack" will show the difficulty of, well, being Barry Bonds).
The Sports Gospel According to Mark is sponsored by BetOnSports.com. BetOnSports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on. Wager on football, cricket, boxing, rugby, horse racing, and more. Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday and Thursday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].
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