Sports Q&A: NFL Celebrations; Juice Card

Billy from Boothwyn, PA writes, "Will the NFL's new rules on touchdown celebrations have the desired effect of curtailing showboating and shenanigans that have become almost an accepted part of the game?"

Let's hope not. Most football fans watch football to see touchdowns, and those same fans want to see touchdown celebrations not approved by the uptight suits in the NFL front office. Hey man, I love showboating and shenanigans almost as much as I love Shamrocks and Shenanigans, House of Pain's classic 1994 rap album. And, if rappers of Irish descent played football and were somehow able to score a touchdown, I would want to see them celebrate without limitations. And the same goes for any NFL player lucky enough to score a touchdown — they should be allowed to creatively celebrate, within reason and with no direct taunting of the opposition.

The NFL's competition committee targeted excessive celebration, saying that individual celebrations were going too far. That may be right, but what exactly is "too far," and who has the responsibility of deciding what "too far" is? The officials, you say? That could be a problem, especially since many of the officials already have loads of trouble making calls that require a level of subjectivity, especially when the NFL has been somewhat vague about what is and is not acceptable as end zone celebrations.

Spiking the ball is okay. Spinning the ball is okay. Dunking it over the goal post is legal. Dancing after a score is fine, as long as the dance doesn't last too long. That's going to be a problem right there. If Chad Johnson cannot complete all of the steps to the Riverdance jig in a certain amount of time, will he be penalized? Will the NFL have to institute a "dance clock" to assist officials in penalizing a prolonged dance routine?

Pending approval by the league's owners (who are mostly honkies with no rhythm and the ability to score only at the bank), the NFL competition committee's recommendations will outlaw the use of props for celebrations, like cell phones, Sharpie pens, or a hot Bengals cheerleader. Does this mean that if Johnson putts the football with the end zone pylon, as he did last year without penalty, will he be penalized for using a prop? If so, there's another problem. If the pylon is considered a prop, wouldn't the goal post fall under the same classification?

And, if it's the other way around, and the pylon is not deemed a prop, then the goal post must not be a prop, also. So, it would be legal for a player to use the goal post in any way to celebrate, including pulling it out of the ground and using it as a divining rod to find water. It sounds outrageous, doesn't it? It is, but I guarantee the NFL hasn't considered that possibility.

And what is poor Kansas City Chief tight end Tony Gonzalez to do? His marquee touchdown celebration is the spike over the goal post. Legal, right? Well, what if Tony hangs on to the rim just a little too long? Is that taunting? Basketball referees have a difficult time themselves deciding whom to T-up for hanging on the rim. NFL officials will have no clue.

And while we're on the subject of props, do props by the NFL's definition include simulated props, such as, for example, Steve Smith's rowboat from his TD gimmick of last year? What's the NFL's stance on that situation? Do they even have a stance, and is it a three or four-point stance? Again, I bet the NFL hasn't looked in to this scenario.

Remember, Tennessee Titans' coach Jeff Fisher and Rich McKay, general manager of the Atlanta Falcons, are chairmen of the competition committee. Neither has probably ever celebrated a touchdown in the end zone, much less scored one, so their simple minds probably can't grasp all the possibilities for TD celebrations that the masters, like Terrell Owens, Johnson, and Smith are scheming as we speak.

What does this mean? It means that luckily, players will still celebrate with flair and creativity. Just like in accounting, law, and the scope of presidential powers, there are loopholes. And there will be loopholes in the new rules on celebrations. I foresee many players thumbing their noses at the new rules. In fact, that could be a celebration, the "nose thumb." It involves no props, and the actual taunt is not directed at an opposing player. As I see it, it's legal.

And since when did the threat of a 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty, or a fine that a player can afford to pay about a million times, deter a scorer from celebrating how he sees fit? Never. If Owens scores on a TD reception, then whips out a pen and a checkbook and writes a blank check payable to the NFL, what will we remember? Not the penalty, nor the $50,000 the league fines him. We will remember the celebration, and lament at the NFL's stupid rule.

So, Billy, to finally answer the question, no, I don't think the new rules will curtail touchdown celebrations. Unless the league threatens ejections for violations, then players will push the envelope and test officials' discretion. I think players will proceed cautiously at first, with simple celebrations. Then, say, in week eight or so, someone will break out the heavy artillery, laugh at the 15-yard penalty, pay their fine, then watch themselves on the highlights over and over again.

We may see fewer memorable celebrations, but that's okay. Last year, some of the celebrations were a bit overdone and became too common. Under the new rules, quantity will be sacrificed for the sake of quality. Those clowns in the NFL office don't know it, but they need the TD celebration more than they know. Rules were made to be stretched.

Zeke from Chicago, IL asks, "Who has the upper hand in the war of words between New York Knicks coach Larry Brown and Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury, who have feuded in the media for weeks?"

I think the situation is not necessarily a case of who has the upper hand, but who, in fact, has "flexed the real hard juice card." That would be Brown, who, according to Marbury, "flexed the real hard juice card" when he pulled Marbury out of a film session for a talk back in mid-March.

"I did?"

That had to be Brown's reply when he heard that he himself had "flexed the real hard juice card."

"What is a 'juice card,' and if I indeed 'flexed' it, how would I know that I did?" a confused Brown surely asked.

Well, Larry, you probably told fellow Brooklynite Marbury to stop shooting so much, pass the ball a little more, and play some defense. In other words, you told him to be Chauncey Billups. And you added that it was your way or the highway.

"Wow! I could have saved all those words and just told Stephon that I was flexing a real hard juice card?" Brown must have asked.

Yeah, Larry. Stephon would have known what you were talking about.

"So, Stephon would have understood that I wasn't trying to be mean. I was just trying to keep it real?"

Exactly.

"How ya like me now, Stephon?"

He still hates your guts, Larry, but at least he knows now that the juice card has been flexed.

But let's give Marbury lots of credit for simply using the phrase "flexed a real hard juice card" and making it available to the public. If the phrase hasn't already been heard in a rap song, it soon will. I can hear the Beastie Boys now: "They called William Shakespeare the Bard. Larry Brown flexed the real hard juice card."

And has any other athlete in the history of sports used that terminology in a feud with his coach? Probably not, but some of the most famous names in coaching have flexed the real hard juice card. Billy Martin of the Yankees flexed the real hard juice card on Reggie Jackson when Reggie refused to lay down a bunt. Vince Lombardi was a great motivator because he knew how to flex the juice card on any under-performing Packer. Former Indiana coach Bobby Knight has flexed the real hard juice card on numerous individuals, including a Puerto Rican police officer. And without flexing the real hard juice card, Morris Buttermaker could never have made the Bad News Bears the cohesive group they became on their way to immortality.

So, Zeke, I guess Brown, as the flexor of the juice card, has the upper hand now. But let's all thank Marbury for introducing such a cool phrase to the mainstream. I think we all, at some point in our lives, have flexed the real hard juice card on someone. We just didn't know it. Now we do. So, let's all flex our respective juice cards. I plan to. If I go home to a house full of misbehaving children, I plan to flex the real hard juice card and send them to their rooms. Flexing the real hard juice card — it's a way of life.

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