Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson capped a successful weekend in Martinsville by reclaiming the points lead with a third-place finish after winning the pole on Friday. Johnson dueled with Tony Stewart late in the race, battling side-by-side in some instances, before finally giving way to Stewart with 27 laps to go. Johnson now holds a lead of 59 points over Mark Martin, and 60 over Matt Kenseth.
"Wow! What a feeling trading paint with Stewart!" beams Johnson. "I guarantee had Tony not come out in front in that battle, he would have had some unkind words for me. As it is according to Tony, we're best friends, which is news to me. If our battle for the lead had taken place on laps 497 through 500, the race would have been an instant classic. But, since it took place well before the end of the race, the race became an instant non-classic, much like the Florida/UCLA NCAA Final, or either Final Four game, for that matter."
2. Matt Kenseth — Running eighth on lap 493, Kenseth braked into turn one and the No. 17 Ford suddenly veered into the retaining wall, seriously damaging the car and dropping him to a 24th-place finish. As a result, Kenseth tumbled from his points-leading perch, and now is in third, 60 points behind new leader Johnson.
"I hit the wall," says Kenseth, "and my first though was, 'Damn that Kurt Busch!' But, it wasn't Busch. It was something much more diabolical, with much smaller ears: brake failure. But I did get my revenge on Kurt for wrecking me in Bristol. That's what friends are for."
3. Tony Stewart — Stewart led 288 of the 500 laps in Martinsville, seizing his second career win there and his first victory since Watkins Glen last year. Stewart stalked Jimmie Johnson before passing him on lap 473, then held off Jeff Gordon through two restarts for the win. Stewart then capped the day with his signature (if his signature read 'Helio Castronueves') celebration, scaling, and saluting fans from atop the fence.
"Yeah, I know, that's getting a little old," says Stewart. "That's why, after my next win, I will celebrate with a routine akin to the Lambeau Leap. I will get a running start and leap into any group of fans who dare to catch me. I'll call it 'The Home Depot Leap-O.'"
4. Mark Martin — Martin moved up to second in the points with a solid yet unspectacular 13th-place finish on Martinsville's half-mile track. On a day with very little controversy, Martin, often named as the series' most polite driver, raised the hackles of rookie driver Denny Hamlin, who was wrecked by Martin while the No. 6 car was running a lap down.
"Tell that kid to race for 20 more years and then come see me about my driving," says Martin. "I've contemplated retirement more times than he's been behind the wheel. Hamlin wins a little road race in Mexico, the Taco Bell 300 or the Mind of Mencia 300, whatever it's called, and he thinks he's earned the right to criticize me? He needs to take his lumps on the track and not complain or he'll be taking his lumps out behind the woodshed."
5. Kasey Kahne — Kahne was well on his way to another top-10 finish and the likely points lead until smoke poured from his car with 122 laps remaining. After pulling off the track, Kahne's mechanics popped the hood and diagnosed the problem.
"With that amount of smoke," explains Kahne, "I fully expected Cheech and Chong to pop out from under that hood, with bloodshot eyes, munching on some Doritos. However, it was simply engine failure, a fate that struck teammate Jeremy Mayfield, as well. Our Martinsville hopes were left up in smoke. You know, in Cheech and Chong's most famous movie, Up in Smoke, I'm sure the Dodge Charger, the 1978 version, made an appearance. And it was much more reliable than the one I drove on Sunday."
6. Jeff Gordon — Looking for his third consecutive Martinsville triumph, Gordon fell just short, unable to catch Tony Stewart after taking over second with about eight laps remaining. With his second-place finish, his third top-five of the year, Gordon maintained seventh in the points race, and is now 119 points out of first.
"It was truly a team effort," lauds Gordon. "I'd like to thank my crew, my crew chief, I forget his name, the guys at the shop, and my probation officer, Tubby Slaughter, for keeping me on the straight and narrow. If I violate the terms of my probation by shoving a driver, or being seen speaking to Jimmie Johnson's crew chief, Chad Knaus, then I could really be in trouble. You absolutely don't want NASCAR to put you on double secret probation."
7. Kyle Busch — On a dominant day for Chevrolets and Hendrick Motorsports cars, Busch was the fifth of five Monte Carlos in the top five and the third of four Hendrick rides in the top eight. Busch remains fifth in the points, 101 off the leading pace.
"And, I was the first of two Busch's in the top 11," says Kyle. "Answer me this: can my brother piss off any more drivers? He's already got Kevin Harvick, Matt Kenseth, and Jeff Burton hot on his tail. And rumor has it that there's a warrant for his arrest in Hazzard County, Georgia, so add Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane to that list. Kurt obviously got all the dramatic flair in this family. I guess I got the looks."
8. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — It was anything but a Sunday drive for Earnhardt, who was collected in a multiple-car accident on lap two that caused extensive damage. Then, on lap 315, contact with Ryan Newman caused even more damage. Driving minus much of his front fender, Earnahrdt perservered and finished fourth, which kept him sixth in the points.
"It seemed the more laps I turned, the more car I lost," says Earnhardt. "It's like the No. 8 Chevy was losing badly in a game of strip poker. No problem. I live life by this motto: less car, more cowbell."
9. Elliott Sadler — Sadler turned in his best qualifying effort ever in Martinsville, starting seventh, and raced to his second-best finish at the Virginia track, crossing the line sixth. A potential top three result evaporated when Sadler locked the rear brakes as he was trying to move into the third position.
"I guess I got greedy," says Sadler, "which totally goes against my humble, rural Virginia upbringing and my education in the Virginia public school system. But, that stuff is pretty much useless on the race track, where ruthlessness and a cold heart are the order of the day. I may talk country, but I'm straight ghetto in that driver's seat."
10. Kevin Harvick — Harvick recorded his second straight top-10 finish with a seventh in Martinsville, on the heels of his second a week earlier in Bristol. Harvick moved up two positions in the points standing, and now hold the twelfth spot, 234 out of first, and, more importantly, 38 ahead of rival Kurt Busch. After his successful Martinsville run, Harvick had nothing but kind words for Busch.
"I hate his guts, and the rest of him."
In Harvick's world, those are kind words.
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