Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth led 124 laps and was well on his way to victory before former teammate and current friend Kurt Busch bumped him out of the lead five laps from the finish. Kenseth recovered, then used the same move to send Jeff Gordon spinning. Kenseth took third and claimed the points lead, as Jimmie Johnson finished 30th.
"What goes around comes around," says Kenseth. "And I'm not talking about the bird flu, although that chicken-necked, bird-brained former friend of mine, Kurt Busch, better hope he doesn't see me in his rear-view mirror in Martinsville. Because if he does, he will see the bird, my finger, that is, then he will see me fly past him as he spins into the wall. As for Jeff Gordon, he's got every right to be angry. I did wreck him, and I guess I deserved a shove, but I was only trying to check the junk in his trunk. But, in my defense, I was trying to apologize. The next time I try to make peace with Gordon, it will be over the phone, preferably with a pane of plexi-glass between us, with a few guards present. You know, like in jail, or the NASCAR office."
2. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson was in trouble from the start, suffering a cut tire on the first lap and never recovering, and eventually finishing 30th, thirteen laps down. One casualty of his disastrous day was the loss of his points lead. Johnson started the day leading the points by 50. He ended it in third, 19 points out.
"Obviously, the return of Chad Knaus as crew chief was the worst thing that could happen to this team," says a frustrated Johnson. "At least, if he's going to follow the rules. Apparently, on Sunday, he did, and we finished 30th. I hope Chad followed the rules. If he didn't, and we finished 30th, we're screwed."
3. Kasey Kahne — Kahne nearly overtook the points lead with a tenth-place finished in wintry Bristol, coupled with Johnson's misfortune and Kenseth's late race bump from the race lead. Kahne now stands second in the points, a mere eight points out of the lead.
"I'm not one to bump someone out of the lead," says Kahne, "or shove someone in anger, or take verbal pot shots at anyone, even if they are as goofy as Kurt Busch. It just goes to show that nice guys don't finish last, but they often finish 10th. Besides, I can't risk losing my major fan base of females 12-16-years-old if I act like a brute on the track. I absolutely don't want to lose merchandise sales to the teeny-bopper demographic. [Dale] Earnhardt, [Tony] Stewart, and [Jeff] Gordon might sell more baseball caps, but I guarantee I lead the way in quantity of earring and bracelet sets sold."
4. Mark Martin — Martin scored his fourth-straight top-10 finish, finishing sixth to maintain fourth-place in the points. He now stands 32 points behind teammate Matt Kenseth.
"It was a nice day for a Roush reunion," says Martin. "and also a nice day for a white wedding. It's a nice day to start again. Billy Idol rules! Anyway, four Roush cars in the top seven, and a former Roush driver, Kurt Busch, wins the race, albeit with a questionable bump and run maneuver on Matt Kenseth. We don't condone that type of racing here at Roush, unless it's done by one of our own."
5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt hovered around the top 10 all afternoon, but handling issues arose late in the race, and he finished with a solid 11th-place result, which was good enough to improve his points position one notch to sixth. Junior sits 118 points back of points leader Kenseth.
"A good day for me," says Earnhardt, "but not a good one for the Bass Pro Shops No. 1 Dale Earnhardt, Inc. Monte Carlo driven by my fellow junior, Martin Truex. First, Martin gets booted by Jeff Gordon, then, when he tries to retaliate, Tony Stewart serves him right into the wall. Veterans have a name for that. It's called 'rookie training.' Hey Marty, if Stewart is on your tail, it's only a good idea to do one thing: move. You could have confronted Gordon after the race, and made it a three-way dance with Matt Kenseth. You took on two veterans on the track. Why not off the track?"
6. Kyle Busch — Busch followed Saturday's win in the Busch series' Sharpie Mini 300 with an eight-place finish in Sunday's Food City 500, won by his brother Kurt. Kyle advanced from eighth to fifth in the points, and trails Kenseth by 105 points.
"It was quite a weekend for the Busch brothers," boasts Kyle. "Not only did we win both races, but Kevin Harvick finished second in both. That's got to eat him up. I'm sure it left a bitter taste in his mouth, much like the taste of a bowl of Kelloggs' Frosted Flakes topped with a few cans of Miller Lite. Nobody talks more junk and does less about it than Kevin Harvick."
7. Jeff Gordon — Gordon's eventful Sunday drive culminated in a pit lane shove of Matt Kenseth, after Kenseth spun Gordon out, then approached the Hendrick driver with what looked to be an apology. Gordon was fined $10,000 for the shove, placed on probation through the August Bristol race, and must perform sixty hours of community service, as well as appear with Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler is the lowly anticipated follow-up to Anger Management.
"Apology accepted," says Gordon. "Geez. Ten Grand? That's outrageous! It takes me at least two laps to earn that much money. NASCAR officials were lucky I wasn't in their presence when they announced the fine, because I would have shoved them, too. I'll gladly pay the fine, though. I guess the moral is 'When push comes to shove, get out your check book.' NASCAR apparently would rather have me solve problems on the track that on pit lane."
8. Casey Mears — Mears finished two laps off the pace, in 25th, and stumbled three places in the points to eighth, 140 off the lead.
"Chip Ganassi Racing drivers are not really setting a good example as far as safety is concerned," says Mears. "Last week, my teammate Reed Sorenson hit a competitor's pit crewman on pit lane. In Bristol, I did the same thing. In my defense, though, he was jaywalking, and I drove the Target car last year, and I guess I'm seeing the Target logo on all crewmen, now. There's only one word to describe our driving on pit road: 'pedestrian.'"
9. Tony Stewart — After starting on the pole, Stewart led 245 of the first 385 laps, but faded down the stretch and finished twelfth. He did, however, pick up three places in the points to ninth, and also added a new enemy, Martin Truex, Jr., whom Stewart wrecked as Truex was battling with Jeff Gordon.
"Should I be afraid of Truex?" asks Stewart. "That name, 'Truex' doesn't really overwhelm me with fright. In fact, it kind of sounds like a laundry detergent. I'll gladly add his name to my list of enemies, a list that stretches the length of the front stretch at Daytona."
10. Elliott Sadler — Sadler enjoyed a consistent day in the M&M's Ford, finishing 13th after starting in the 13-spot on the grid. Sadler gained two places in the points, and currently resides in 11th, 197 points out of first.
"Enough about me," says Sadler. "Let's talk about my teammate, Dale Jarrett. Midway through the race, a piece of his bumper flies off of his car and into the stands, and is quickly snatched by a fan. What was Dale thinking? Never let a piece of your car go without first autographing it for a hefty fee. And what about the fan who 'caught' the piece? That idiot could have intentionally sliced his his head open, blamed it on the sheet metal, and sued for big bucks. Instead, he's no richer, and probably has that piece of the car on his living room wall like a piece of art. What a bunch of clowns."
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