Billy Packer neatly divides his world into two columns.
On the left are the Mid-Majors, or Middies, those lesser desirables from parts of the country unknown. They have no sex appeal and even less claim to the honor the selection committee confers on them each March. To you and I, they are Cinderella stories. To Billy, they are pests.
On the right are the Majors. They're the reason March Madness was invented, the subject of Billy's protectionism as he wards off those nuisances in the same manner a horse's tail brushes away flies. Majors hail from the big power conferences in college basketball — the Pac-10, Big 10, Big 12, Big East, SEC, and ACC.
Between the two columns, Billy draws a thick north-south line of delineation more divisive than the river Styx, separating Majors from Middies as life from death. He is, in every sense, innately perfect for this ultimate contest of columns. But now he's keeping the emcee waiting.
"Deal or no deal?" Howie Mandel repeated, albeit more curtly this second time.
Billy snapped to and enveloped the silver suitcase he had selected from the pretty model earlier in the show. He cast one final look up at the board, where appeared the names of 64 schools of higher education. One of those very names also resided in the silver suitcase he clutched, the name of the men's 2006 NCAA Basketball champion. No one knew which, only that it was among the remaining slots still illuminated on the board. By now, half were darkened.
Billy pressed his luck. "No deal," he replied, and flipped the glass box over the red flashing button.
"Very well then," Howie continued. "I will now ask you to select eight more suitcases."
Billy turned to a triple-tiered dais to his left where 31 identically-dressed models held out 31 silver suitcases. Billy read off his selections. One by one, the models opened their cases, revealing another eight names that were not in the suitcase Billy coveted.
George Washington, Montana, and Wisconsin-Milwaukee each drew courteous rounds of applause from the studio audience. Texas A&M, Alabama, and Tennessee brought obligatory sighs of disappointment. However, Illinois and Indiana outright stunned everyone. Lights were extinguished in the slots for each.
After the last light went off, a phone on the table rang. Howie picked it up and listened for a moment before announcing that it was the Banker. His face turned grave. He hung up.
"Losing two Big 10s really hurt your odds," came the frank assessment. "The Banker thinks your suitcase may hold a Middy and has reduced his offer accordingly. He's only giving the ACC six NIT invites and dinner with Bobby Knight is now lunch. Take his offer and you can walk away from the broadcast booth for the rest of this season. They'll be no ugly embarrassments on your watch. Turn him down and you'll risk disgrace. So Billy, deal ... or no deal?"
The board now commanded Billy's attention. The 64 names had been arranged in an order of preference. High atop the left side, where contestants who play for money see the $.01 slot, hung four Missouri Valley Conference teams. Half were still lit. Desirability improved grudgingly down the left column, then really picked up on the right across the imaginary river Styx. Way down in the $1,000,000 neighborhood were the Big 10 entrants, followed by the ACC. Its four names were all illuminated.
To be truthful, the board looked good to him. Even with the recent losses, the right side was far more resplendent than the left. Of the 32 Majors slots, 17 still shone compared to only seven Middies. A graphic on the bottom of the screen informed home viewers of a 38% chance that this year's NCAA champion would be from either the Big East or ACC.
Billy liked his odds. He flipped the glass box over the deal button once again.
Another eight suitcases were chosen in an exercise more painful than the last. Sure, Bucknell and Northwestern State were outed, but so too were Arizona and Pittsburgh, not to mention two more ACC teams and the last remaining Big 10s. Yes, the RPI's strongest conference would have no Sweet 16s this year. The audience sighed on queue. Billy was shaken.
The phone rang.
The Banker now slashed every ACC team with a losing record from the women's NCAA tournament, leaving only seven. Bobby Knight cancelled out of lunch and even declined to commit for coffee. Billy's Majors — both guys and gals — were on the cusp of extinction. According to another graphic, there was a 25% chance that the Missouri Valley would be represented in the Final Four.
Staying in the contest beyond this point could mean the unthinkable possibility of playing analyst to a Bradley vs. Wichita State final a week from Monday. Anti-Packerites would have a good laugh at his expense. But by taking the deal, Billy would bid adieu to his beloved Blue Devils, perhaps denying himself a share in their champagne revelry.
In the end, his sense of daring won out. He flipped the glass box. There would be no deal.
More sighs were heard, but these were not out of any sense of obligation, nor were they from the studio audience. Rather, these were genuine guttural moans emanating from across the breadth of America as its own unthinkable possibility became imminent.
Billy Packer would be back on air this weekend, once again espousing the joys of big-time college basketball as Indianapolis looms on his horizon.
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