Steve from Iron Mountain, MI writes, "Terrell Owens just signed a three-year, $25 million dollar contract with Dallas. Is this a good move for the Cowboys?"
For that price, it better be. One would think, after Owens' last year in Philadelphia, his contract would be laden with stipulations protecting the Cowboys should Owens pull his usual stunts and feud with the entire organization. But no such stipulations exist, and Owens will make millions, whether he hates Drew Bledsoe's guts or not. Do you get the feeling Dallas owner Jerry Jones got approval from no one before making this deal?
"I ain't saying T.O.'s a gold digger," Jones must have said to himself, or any one who would listen, "but he ain't messin' with no broke owner."
Obviously, Jerry. Do you realize it sets a bad precedent to reward a player with a giant contract for behavior like that of Owens in Philadelphia last year? Of course, you're not thinking of precedents — you're thinking of wins, which is understandable.
Okay, so no contract behavioral stipulations were instituted in Owens' contract? A mistake on the Cowboys' part? Probably, but that can be tempered by requiring other Cowboys to follow certain guidelines. For example, demand that Bledsoe have no contact whatsoever with Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb. If Bledsoe absolutely must talk to them, then the words "Terrell Owens," "the receiver I hate most," or "the person I hate most" must not be used in the conversation.
And if Owens chooses to pose on the Dallas star anywhere, like in practice, safety Roy Williams must agree not to tackle Owens, as former Cowboy George Teague did five years ago when Owens pulled that stunt as a 49er. Also, Coach Bill Parcells must consume at least one bottle of Maalox per day as long as Owens is a Cowboy. Parcells, under no circumstances, is to mistakenly call Owens "Keyshawn." If he does, Owens can seek an immediate trade.
Parcells has to be the coach most able to tolerate Owens, but that doesn't mean Parcells will hold his tongue if Owens deserves some criticism. Has Parcells ever not said what he felt? Neither has Owens. They are a perfect match. Owens should know, without being told, that Parcells won't let Owens get away with the transgressions for which he's famous. Parcells has coached two of the league's most troublesome receivers in Keyshawn Johnson and Terry Glenn — at the same time. He's never backed down from any of Johnson's rants, and once called Glenn a "she."
It's too bad Dallas didn't keep Johnson on the roster. Talk about a three-ring circus with Owens, Johnson, and Glenn. Parcells always pulled the right strings with Johnson and Glenn, and, in turn, got good production from both. There's no doubt that Owens will produce — Parcells' influence may even make Owens a better player, which may not be possible in the eyes of Owens, whom already thinks he is the greatest. In this respect, Parcells must be careful. If he gets more out of T.O. than even T.O. expects, then T.O. might demand to be paid even more. When Owens demanded more money from the Eagles, the situation quickly deteriorated.
Should Owens stay on the straight and narrow (no, T.O., I'm not accusing you of being gay), then Dallas got a sweet deal. 2006 should be a great year for Owens and the Cowboys. It's the year after that would likely be a problem, after T.O. has had a year as a Cowboy under his belt to decide that he is being mistreated, underpaid, and under-appreciated. That's when the fun starts.
But the Cowboys should enjoy 2006. Owens is still one of the best, if not the best, receivers in football, and could be the player that leads the Cowboys on a serious playoff run. Or he could bring down the entire organization. Owens has the talent and the selfishness to do both, but usually not at the same time. His positive attributes will make an immediate impact. It's his negative attributes that take time to manifest themselves.
Ray from Oak Park, IL asks "Who would win a fight pitting Barry Bonds against the Burger King and his sidekick Dr. Angus?"
Great question. I love making predictions when mythical creatures clash in epic battles. As a rule of thumb, never bet against Godzilla, especially in Japan, and never take a human in a labyrinth against the Minotaur, unless that human is named Sinbad and is not a comedian. By the way, I include Bonds in the category of mythical creatures.
Why would Bonds and the BK duo be fighting? Do the King and Angus have a beef with Bonds? You bet they do. Bonds has powered his body with questionable methods and supplements instead of pumping up in an honorable manner like many Americans, courtesy of flame-broiled fat grams from Burger King. It may not look like it judging from his perpetual smile, but the King is still fuming from the time he surprised Bonds in the Giant slugger's hotel room with a croisanwich and an orange juice. Bonds was so frightened upon awaking beside the creepy king that he wet his pants and ordered the King out of his room.
"This isn't the juice I ordered!" shouted an enraged Bonds.
Luckily, Dr. Angus was there to collect a urine specimen, which later tested positive for steroids, growth hormone, and 93 octane gasoline.
But the damage was done. Bonds had alienated the Burger King, who was just trying to do a good deed. In doing so, Bonds had also severed ties to Dr. Angus, possibly the last doctor who would dare risk his reputation and supply Bonds with the performance-enhancing "goods."
Now, I know Angus' medical credentials are questionable, and his toothy grin and artificially tanned skin make him look a bit unsavory, but isn't that the kind of people with whom Bonds enjoys doing business? Dr. Angus is probably not a doctor of medicine, but he is a doctor of beef, which still affords him the right to prescribe for a patient anything that a pharmacy or veterinarian stocks in their respectable medicine cabinets. Bonds blew his chance, and the King and Angus are hot on his tail.
So, what if Bonds met up with the fast food duo in a dark alley? Bonds wouldn't have a chance. First of all, it's a dark alley. Bonds would be expecting a mysterious package, not a street fight. Advantage King and Angus. Maybe Bonds could land a few punches, but they would have little effect. In case you haven't noticed, the King and Angus never stop smiling, no matter what you do. Bigger advantage, King and Angus.
Finally, I'm sure Dr. Angus smells like Angus beef, of course. That aroma, mixed with the putrid stench of over-applied Old Spice cologne, is a lethal combination. The smell alone would take Bonds out. It's over. No contest. The Burger King and Dr. Angus destroy Bonds with a technical knockout in less than a minute.
Anthony from Dallas, TX writes, "Tennessee women's basketball player Candace Parker dunked twice in Saturday's NCAA tournament game against Army. Is this a sign that the women's game is evolving into a more athletic, high-flying version of the game?"
Those were dunks? They weren't rim-shaking by any means, although the nets sure took a pounding. One thing is for sure: the nicknames "Chocolate Thunder," "The Human Highlight Film," and "Air" are safe for now — Parker won't be taking those nicknames. And, for now, breakaway rims are totally unnecessary in women's basketball.
Here's what the NCAA should do: outlaw the dunk in women's basketball. Dunking detracts from the mastery of fundamentals and the implementation of team concepts. Doesn't that sound like bull? I thought so. But that had to be the NCAA's reasoning for outlawing the dunk in the men's game nearly forty years ago. Possibly the silliest rule in the history of sports deprived fans of seeing one of the greatest leapers of all-time, North Carolina State's David Thompson, throw down a dunk.
Who's to say Dr. James Naismith didn't have the dunk in mind when he invented basketball back in 1891? How do we know Jimmy wasn't dunking himself? He probably was, but destroyed too many peach baskets. Or maybe, just maybe, he was playing a little one-on-one with the wife and she went facial on him. Maybe, out of sheer embarrassment, Naismith decided to raise the height of the goal to 10 feet, so women couldn't dunk. Well, times have changed, Doctor, and, it may have taken them 115 years, but women can dunk.
Hopefully, as a result of Parker's exploits, more girls and women will try to dunk. I would watch a lot more women's basketball if there were more dunking. Real dunking. Dunking in which the ball takes less than three seconds to hit the floor after it is dunked. That's a "real" dunk. The women's game has yet to see a "real" dunk. Somewhere in America, a 12-year-old girl can already touch the rim. In four or five years, she'll be dunking with power, and we'll see a "real" dunk.
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