Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson retained his points lead with a sixth-place finish in Atlanta, only his first result out of the top five in four races. Johnson now holds a 50-point lead over Atlanta winner Kasey Kahne, and will welcome back suspended crew chief Chad Knaus for Sunday's race in Bristol.
"It's been such a long time," says Johnson, humming the tune to the 1979 Peaches and Herb smash, 'Reunited,' "since I've had my ride pimped. Incidentally, during Chad's 'time off,' he's filmed a few episodes of his new show Pimpin' Rides is Easy, Until You Get Caught, soon to be aired on the WB. Chad also appeared on ABC's new show, American Inventor, where he introduced a new magic ruler that makes one inch appear to be only 15/16 of an inch."
2. Kasey Kahne — Kahne won the Golden Corral 500 from the pole on Monday in Atlanta, leading the final 80 laps for his second career win. He also finished second in Saturday's Busch series' Nicorette 300.
"Wait a minute," says a concerned Kahne. "The Nicorette 300? That sickens me. Just a few years back, NASCAR was all about promoting cigarettes and tobacco products. Now, NASCAR sanctions a race sponsored by a product used to help smokers quit? Hypocritical, I tell you. What's next? The Alcoholics Anonymous 500? Or the Cirrhosis of the Liver 400? I could go on, out of respect for heavy drinkers. But how about those Dodges? The Charger is really coming around. I finish first, and Kyle Petty comes home in eighth, with Reed Sorenson and Scott Riggs tenth and eleventh, respectively."
Kyle Petty eighth? You're right. The Charger really is coming around. It must be pretty much driving itself.
3. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth finished outside of the top 10 for the first time this year, due to two flat front tires, and his 13th-place finish in Atlanta dropped him a slot in the standings to number three. It was an up-and-down day for the Roush Racing team. Mark Martin finished second, but Carl Edwards suffered a pit road accident and finished 40th, while Greg Biffle lead 128 laps before running out of gas on the final lap. He ultimately finished 16th. Kenseth now stands third in the points, 78 behind Johnson.
"Edwards can't drive," says Kenseth, "and Biffle can't even read a fuel gauge. Jamie McMurray had a good day driving, finishing 14th, but his hair was an absolute mess. His highlights are fading, and his styling gel was poorly applied. It looks like I'm the leader of this team, on the track and, reluctantly, in front of the vanity mirror."
4. Mark Martin — NASCAR's oldest driver and Roush elder statesman Martin chased one the youngest racers, Kasey Kahne, but came up short, finishing second to the Evernham Dodge. Martin's best result of the year moved him up a spot in the points to fourth, 90 points behind Johnson.
"Youth was served," says Martin. "Kasey was well-deserving of the win. Pretty impressive for a kid who doesn't even have a driver's license. Oh, he does? That's great. Anyway, I like the way things have turned out so far. This could be the year the old man does it, and I finally win that championship. Of course, I said that 20 years ago, when I was in my 40s."
5. Casey Mears — After a season-best qualifying effort of 10th, Mears finished 21st in Atlanta, a lap off the leading pace. His first result out of the top 10 this year dropped him one spot to fifth in the points, 136 points from the front. Mears was outdone by teammate Reed Sorenson, who finished 10th.
"Sure, Reed beat me on the track," expains Mears, "but I beat him in the category of 'fewest opposing crew members ran over.' He scored one, I scored zero. Like in golf, lowest score wins. You know, it's not cool to run over an opposing team's crew member; it is cool to run over your own, on certain occasions, like when your crew is breaking in a new member. Those crew guys have some bizarre initiation rites."
6. Jeff Gordon — Gordon picked up his second top-five finish of the year with a fourth in Atlanta, and even led a lap for five bonus points and a free game of putt-putt. Gordon has quietly piloted the DuPont Chevrolet steadily up the standings since starting the year with a 26th at Daytona.
"I'm taking the Tony Stewart 2005 approach to the championship," says Gordon, sipping on what has to be the millionth free Pepsi of his career. "No, I'm not going to feud with a new driver every week. But I plan to hang around the top of the standings until I make a midseason run to the top, which will lead me to my fifth championship. But if I have to run a few guys into a wall, and take no responsibility for my actions, a la Tony, I'll do it."
7. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — After a 27th in Las Vegas, Earnhardt rebounded with a third in Atlanta that vaulted him four places into the points top 10, to seventh, for the first time this year. Starting 26th, Earnhardt worked his way back to the front after a cut tire dropped him to 32nd 115 laps from the end. Earnhardt's efforts earned him the Mobil 1 Command Performance Driver of the Race contingency award.
"I don't know what I did to deserve that award," says Earnhardt, "but I'll accept in behalf of everyone at Dale Earnhardt, Inc. I'd like to thank the people at the oil company that presents this award, although I'm forbidden to mention its name, since they are not a major sponsor of the No. 8 car and I could be heavily fined for saying its name."
8. Kyle Busch — Busch fell two places in the points to eighth, despite a solid 12th-place result in Atlanta. Equally as important, Busch was not burdened with any incidents or verbal sparring with rival Tony Stewart.
"Tony and I spoke before the race and ironed out our differences" says Busch. "Does that make us friends? No. Does that make us enemies? No, but it leaves our personal feelings for each other somewhere between 'hate' and 'dislike.' And I guess since we're on such good terms, I'll have to postpone replacing the image of Tony The Tiger on my hood with that of Tony Stewart. There'll be other chances. Truces are like promises, made to be broken."
9. Tony Stewart — Stewart made a huge leap in the points due to his fifth-place finish in Atlanta, moving up to 12th from 19th. Stewart also finished fifth in Daytona, and turned in an impressive drive for the folks at Home Depot, which is based in Atlanta.
"In case you're wondering why I was on my best behavior," says Stewart, "there's your answer. I didn't want to embarrass any of the corporate suits that may have been in attendance. If you noticed, you saw that I only had a minor skirmish on pit road with Greg Biffle. Don't get me wrong. There were several drivers that pissed me off. But I'm saving that pent up rage for the track at Bristol, where everyone's tempers will be on edge. I want to be in the right state of mind for Bristol. You'll can expect a Tony Stewart blow up or two there."
10. Dale Jarrett — Jarrett started on the grid 31st, and overcame handling issues to post a strong ninth-place finish, improving four places to return to the top 10 at number nine.
"We were unable to find the balance for the No. 88 UPS Ford until late in the race," says Jarrett. "The tightness and looseness may have been the result of a mix-up from aerodynamics testing earlier. It seems we plugged in the information from an aero test involving the UPS truck. As you know, the UPS truck is anything but sleek, and cuts through the air like a dull butter knife through steel."
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