Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson is the King of Las Vegas after a dramatic last turn pass of Matt Kenseth to win the UAW-DaimlerChrysler 400. Johnson added the Vegas title to his Daytona win in the season's first race, and now stands atop the points standing by 52 points.
"I guess that's the equivalent of hitting the jackpot on your last quarter in the slots," says Johnson. "Or seeing a two of clubs on the river to win the World Poker Tour championship. Some people are skeptical about NASCAR drivers' athletic ability. I say we are the second most gifted athletes in sports, right behind poker players. It takes a true athlete to sit at a table for eight hours while peeking at cards and pushing chips on a table. And I got a much cooler trophy for my efforts in Vegas than that cheap hunk of metal with which they burden the winner in Daytona. I'm referring to the belt they strapped around my waist. That makes me feel like a true champion. I'll be defending that title in Atlanta next week, with promoter Don King and a useless posse in tow."
2. Matt Kenseth — As was the case in California, Kenseth was strong in Las Vegas, leading 146 of 270 laps (Kenseth won in Fontana on February 26th, with Jimmie Johnson second). This time, however, Kenseth was unable to hold off Johnson, who nipped Kenseth at the line to win in Vegas.
"Correction," says Kenseth. "I actually led 146 and 9/10 laps in Vegas. But that's beside the point. The real issue here is Jimmie Johnson's proclivity for trailing me on the track. In some states, that's considered stalking, and is punishable with a stop-and-go penalty in the county lockup. It was a tough weekend for me all around. I also came up a little short on Saturday, finishing second in the Busch race. In Las Vegas, there's only one way to express my frustration. Craps!"
3. Casey Mears — Along with Jimmie Johnson, Mears is the only driver with a top-10 finish in each of the three races this year. In Vegas, Mears improved 29 places from a disappointing qualifying effort that left him 38th on the grid.
"This is NASCAR," says Mears. "Qualifying means nothing. I think there's just slightly more passes in an actual race than there is in a qualifying session. And, with only one car on the track at a time, chances are slim that someone will rub Tony Stewart the wrong way. There's no fun in that."
4. Kasey Kahne — Kahne was the highest-finishing Dodge driver, collecting his second consecutive fourth-place finish to improve to number three in the points. Kahne now stands 85 points behind Johnson. It was a successful weekend for the Emunclaw, Washington native, who won the Busch Series Sam's Town 300 on Saturday.
"I'd like to give a shout out to the good people at Ragu," says Kahne. "They sponsor my No. 9 Busch car and they make a delicious spaghetti sauce. NASCAR fans offer Ragu an untapped market. Ragu realizes that many fans consider ketchup 'spaghetti sauce' and are unaware of Ragu's product. But not for long."
5. Mark Martin — Martin led 57 laps, second to Kenseth's 146, and eventually finished sixth, his best result of the year. Martin moved up to fifth in the points, 110 off of Johnson's leading pace.
"Enough about me," says Martin. "Let's talk about the singing of the national anthem by John Schneider, better known as Bo Duke of the greatest television show of all-time, The Dukes of Hazzard. The man can sing, and drive, as well. But he would have to be my third choice of the Duke I would most like to see in a pair of cut-off jean shorts, right behind Daisy and Uncle Jessie."
6. Kyle Busch — Busch was a part of the Hendrick team that countered the usual Roush dominance in Las Vegas. He finished third at his home track, sandwiched between teammates Jimmie Johnson, who won, and Jeff Gordon, who came home fifth. Once again, Busch clashed with Tony Stewart, who accused Busch of holding him up in the last third of the race.
"Am I re-living my brother Kurt's past?" asks Busch. "A few years ago, my brother had an ongoing feud with Jimmy Spencer. Now, I find myself in a similar situation, banging heads with another chubby racer with a bad attitude, Tony Stewart. I guess I should prepare myself for getting slapped by Stewart sometime in the future. I see where all this talk of 'Buschwhackers' is leading."
7. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer was part of another strong day for the rookie class, one of four in the top twenty, including a top-10 for Mexico City winner Denny Hamlin. In Monte Carlo and festooned with HBO's "The Soprano's" paint scheme, Bowyer made up 16 places in the race's final 13 laps to finish 15th.
"It took us a while to make the correct adjustments to get the car like we wanted it," says Bowyer. "In fact, it was Tony Soprano himself who made the call late in the race that allowed us to make up ground. It seems Tony had stashed a dead body in the trunk. The dude was really fat, and the weight was affecting the car's balance. Once we disposed of the hit, the car ran fine. Thanks, Tony."
8. Jeff Gordon — From his fifth-place position, Gordon witnessed teammate Jimmie Johnson's last gasp pass of Matt Kenseth to take the Las Vegas win. It was Gordon's first top-10 finish of the year, and boosted him to ninth in the points. Does this foreshadow a change in the balance of power, from the Roush camp to the Hendrick camp?
"Typically, the Roush cars have dominated on 1.5-mile tracks," says Gordon. "I think we realized that's what we needed to work on, and we did. We're all following Jimmie's lead this year. He's proven himself as the team's leader. For that reason, Kyle Busch, Brian Vickers, and myself have decided to fire our crew chiefs and enjoy immediate improvement."
9. Elliott Sadler — Sadler battled a disagreeable car all afternoon, but using the strength and savvy he learned growing up on the mean streets of Emporia, Virginia, Sadler muscled his Ford to a 14th-place finish. He improved two places to eighth in the points.
"There are some perks to being sponsored by M&Ms," explains Sadler. "And there are some drawbacks. Sure, I get all the free M&Ms I can eat, but I've found that it's not wise to eat them in the middle of a race. Melts in your mouth, not in your hands? That's bull. In any case, it's impossible to drive an ill-handling car with chocolate on your hands."
10. Jeff Burton — Burton, this year's Daytona 500 pole-sitter, picked up his second top-five finish of the year in the No. 31 Cingular Wireless Chevy made infamous by Robbie Gordon. Burton finished seventh in Las Vegas to crack the top 10 in points.
"It's a kinder, gentler No. 31 car," says Burton, who looks a lot like brother Ward, but speaks an entirely different language. "I'm one of the most popular drivers on the circuit ... Robbie can count his friends on one finger. Maybe that's why he's raising it all the time."
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