Roscoe from Chattanooga, Tennessee writes, "What is your opinion of tennis great Bjorn Borg's decision to sell his five Wimbledon championship trophies and two prized Donnay rackets?"
Upon learning of this, my first reaction was the same as that of Borg's rival John McEnroe, "You cannot be serious!" I was so outraged that I uttered a stream of profanities, broke a vintage Wilson wooden-framed racket, and berated an English tennis official who just happened to be sitting near me in what looked like a giant baby high chair.
However, when I learned that Borg was selling his wares out of necessity and not greed, I immediately changed my tune, and placed an absurdly low bid on eBay for a couple of the trophies and a wooden racket with a tiny sweet spot that would make the coolest fly swatter ever. Needless to say, my bid was rejected and my dream of owning at least one Wimbledon men's trophy was shattered.
But who needs the men's trophy? Really, I'd much rather simply bow in front of the Duchess of York, who has to be the hottest gray-haired chick in the world. And I'd gladly high-five the Duke, as well. The Wimbledon women's trophy is the one I truly crave. It's a sterling silver plate, just begging to have a turkey served on it. And if it's one of the many owned by Steffi Graf, then I've really got to have it. Come to think of it, I would love to have anything touched by Graf, except, of course, Andre Agassi.
Anyway, back to Borg's situation. After a string of bad investments and failed businesses (I guess that would be called a double fault), Borg's bank accounts stand at "love." That means zero. But is Borg in such dire straits that he must resort to selling his trophies and rackets? Is it that bad? Shouldn't he start with some old sneakers and a headband, maybe?
Borg, along with McEnroe, made the headband fashionable thirty years ago. Now, headbands are everywhere in men's tennis. Can't one of the big tennis clothiers sign Borg to a huge contract to peddle the retro headband? I'd gladly pay $15 for a headband if it meant Borg could keep his trophies. I'd even grow my hair long and grow the distinct Borg beard. And I'm sure any tennis player with a respect for the game's past would do the same. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if some generous souls, possibly former or current players, will buy Borg's trophies and return them to him as a gift.
If that doesn't happen, then Borg could star in some tennis instructional videos, like, for example, Swedish Baselining With Bjorn Borg, or Serve and Volley With Bjorn Borg, Then Buy Him Lunch. Or, he could serve as a paid endorser for an investment firm and lend a cautionary tale of investments gone wrong. He could title the story, I Got Broke in the Third Game of the Fifth Set, Then I Went Broke.
The name "Bjorn Borg" is still marketable, so he should say the heck with investments and market himself. And, if you have to, Bjorn, rent the trophies, don't sell them. If you haven't already, create your own website, and call it bjornb.org. Your financial problems are just an obstacle in life, just like a slice serve into the body on the grass at Wimbledon. It's time to hit a winner.
James from Almonte, Ontario asks, "Who are your Final Four picks for the NCAA men's tournament?"
You mean, I've got to make four selections from a field of 65? What is this? "American Idol?" Well, if you ask Paula Abdul or Randy Jackson for those kind of specifics, you won't get it, dawg. Paula and Randy like everything. If you ask for their Final Four, you'd get 40, at the least. Now, Simon Cowell knows nothing about basketball, so don't be surprised if he's in CBS' tournament sudio offering his expert analysis. But he's not afraid to be honest, and neither am I, so here goes.
I like Connecticut and Memphis as the only number one seeds to advance to the Final Four. Why? First of all, UConn is a team characterized by all the catch phrases you hear a lot at this time of the year: deep, balanced, athletic, and tested from a tough schedule. And they have one of the nation's best dunkers, Rudy Gay. That's really why I picking them. Of course, I haven't seen the brackets yet, and this might be the year I go out on a limb and pick a No. 16 seed to pull the upset. So, if that 12-16 team that stuns everyone and wins their conference tournament is really rolling, and UConn's top eight scorers are suspended for conduct detrimental to the team, then I'm going with the upset. Otherwise, go Huskies.
Memphis also has a great dunker in Rodney Carney and the Grizzlies, I mean Tigers, can score with any team. Coach John Calipari has been to the Final Four before, and he's survived death threats from John Chaney. Can any other coach boast that claim? No, so I like Memphis.
Why am I not picking any other number ones in the Final Four? I'll start with Duke and Villanova, who are locks for top seeds despite whatever happens in their conference tournaments. I don't see Duke losing early. You can go ahead and chalk up two wins for the Devils in Greensboro, plus another in the round of 16. The regional final is where Duke runs out of gas. Duke's limitations have been exposed in their last two losses, against Florida State and North Carolina.
J.J. Redick is in a slump. Is he tired? Maybe. Is he lacking exposure to sunlight? His ghostly pale skin would answer "yes." Are these possible reasons for his slump? Probably not. I think teams have realized that if you keep Redick under thirty points,
Duke can be beat. Sure, Sheldon Williams can pickup some of the slack, but, as UNC's Tyler Hansbrough proved, Williams can be overpowered. Williams will get his 16 rebounds and 7 blocks, but not enough points to compensate if Redick is off. If we're lucky, maybe we'll get to see Duke face Gonzaga somewhere along the way, and Redick and Adam Morrison can play a game of H-O-R-S-E. The winner claims the title of college basketball's best player, and wins his choice of 90 minutes in a tanning salon, or a year's treatment of Rogaine for those hard-to-grow mustaches. (Shouldn't Adam's 'stache have grown in by now? I had that much peach fuzz in the seventh grade.)
Now, on to Villanova. Why won't the Wildcats make the Final Four? Well, for one reason, I've already got one Big East team in, Connecticut, so I can't pick another. I guess I could, but I'd need to see Rollie Massimino on the Wildcats' bench devising an impenetrable zone defense. Seriously, Villanova has enough quality guard play to put two teams in the Final Four, but I think lack of an inside game will cost them, possibly to a Big 10 team.
That leaves two other teams. I could go with Texas, but I'm apprehensive to pick a team that lost to Duke by what, 40 points? So, I won't. Could the Southeastern Conference put a team in? Yeah, but Florida is upset-prone and Tennessee is too streaky. Besides, if Tennessee does make the Final Four, then coach Bruce Pearl won't be available as a studio guest for CBS' coverage. So, sorry Vols, there's always women's basketball.
The Pac-10? If Washington couldn't make it as a No. 1 seed, as they were last year, then why should they make it this year? UCLA? A great chance for the final 16, but beyond that, I'm reluctant to pull the trigger.
The Big 10? I like Ohio State. They are a lot like Villanova, with a guard-heavy lineup, but they have a solid inside game with Terrence Dials. And, the Big 10 style of play toughens a team for the tournament, and the Buckeyes won the regular season title.
That leaves one, and this is somewhat of a longshot. I'll go with the Tar Heels. North Carolina has played themselves up the seedings board, and could be looking at a number two seed. They'll likely be playing in Greensboro, so two virtual home games should put the 'Heels in the round of 16. I think Roy Williams has positioned Carolina for a long string of consecutive final 16 appearances, just like his mentor Dean Smith did. The Tarheels are deep, and Williams has proven he can take teams to the Final Four, as well as win it all.
So, that makes my Final Four as follows: Connecticut, Memphis, Ohio State, and North Carolina.
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