Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson followed his Daytona 500 win with a runner-up to Matt Kenseth in Fontana, maintaining his points lead, now 39 over Casey Mears. It was the second of four races without suspended crew chief Chad Knaus, who was last seen filing his federal income tax return.
"Who needs racing?" asks Knaus. "I'm getting a sweet $800,000 refund. And these fines paid to NASCAR are totally tax deductible."
"We're 2-0 without Chad," says Johnson.
Pardon me, Jimmie, but you've only won one race.
"Yeah, I know," replies Johnson, "but we're 2-0 in post-race inspections. Booyah!"
2. Matt Kenseth — Kenseth headlined four Roush Racing cars in the top 10, leading the final 32 laps for the win that boosted him to number two in the points. The fifth Roush driver, Greg Biffle, led a whopping 168 of 251 laps before engine failure sent him to the garage.
"You'll notice that I waited until Tony Stewart was in the garage before I assumed the lead," explains Kenseth. "He retired on lap 214. I took the lead on lap 219. Coincidence? I think not. Tony started the race, I finished it — in first place. Don't let our little weekend chit-chat fool you; we're still enemies."
3. Casey Mears — Mears collected his second straight top-10 finish with a seventh-place finish in the Auto Club 500. Standing 39 points behind points leader Johnson, Mears is supporting his case as the driver picked by many to have a breakout year.
"Before anyone can call me a 'breakout star,'" says Mears, "they first have to realize that I'm Casey with a 'C,' not with a 'K,' as in 'Kasey Kahne.' And although I drive the No. 42 car, I'm not Jamie McMurray, although I do favor his hair over my prison-issue crew cut."
4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt's best Fontana finish in three years was good enough for eleventh, the highest finish by a beer-sponsored car on Sunday. The No. 8 Budweiser car hovered around the top 10 for most of the day, but inevitably lacked the horsepower to challenge the leaders.
"You would think a car sponsored by a beer company whose mascot is the Clydesdale would not have a problem with horsepower," says Earnhardt. "But that's an issue for the engine shop to figure out. We have a new employee there by the name of Chad Knaus whom I'm sure can solve our problem."
5. Kasey Kahne — Kahne put his Dodge in fourth in California, and moved up to fourth in the points standings. Kahne led only one lap, lap 183, which was good for five bonus points and a free Junior Frosty at Wendy's.
"Am I driving the 2006 Charger, the 2005 Intrepid, or the 1985 Dart?" asks Kahne. "I know I drive a Dodge, but I'm not sure which one. Does it matter? Let's face it. I'm just here for the chicks, and they dig me. Did you see me with Jewel in California? She couldn't keep her eyes off of me. It's nice to see that females other than the teenyboppers are interested in me."
6. Mark Martin — Martin started the Roush Racing sweep of all three California races with a win in Saturday's Craftsman Truck Series Racetickets.com 200. On Sunday, Martin was the last of four Roush cars in the top ten with a ninth-place finish.
"If you want a fast car or truck," says Martin, "Jack Roush can put it together for you. Sure, he may look more like a golfer on the seniors' tour, but the man knows engines. Whether it's a Cup car, a Busch car, a Craftsman truck, or Jack's own souped-up 1999 Honda Civic Coupe that he street races against Vin Diesel, Ludacris, and many cast members of The Fast and the Furious on weekends, he can make it fast."
7. Ryan Newman — Newman's ill-handling Dodge matched his temperament after his Penske Dodge's problems left him a lap off the lead for a 20th-place finish. Newman fell to seventh in the points standings, 82 behind Johnson.
"You know what gets my goat?" asks Newman. "My new teammate, Kurt Busch, wins the pole and then has the nerve to refuse to share his car information with me. Now I know what Rusty Wallace must have felt after one of my poles last year."
8. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer is the highest-ranked rookie in the points, currently eighth after a solid 14th-place finish in Fontana. He's also the only NASCAR driver named "Clint," which makes him cool in my book. He also drives the No. 07 car, sponsored by Jack Daniels.
"The names 'Bowyer,' 'Clint Boyer,' in car number single-0-seven. Not to be mistaken for Agent 007, James Bond. I like my Jack straight from the bottle, not shaken, not stirred. I'm a man of international intrigue, so it's off to Mexico for the Busch Series "Beans and Rice 300."
Actually, Clint, it's the Telcel Motorola Mexico 200. But, while you're there, don't drink the water, bur I hear the racing fuel is delicious.
9. Tony Stewart — For a majority of the day, Stewart had a car that could challenge Kenseth's for supremacy, or at least get close enough to run him off the track. Then, on lap 214, the No. 20 Home Depot Chevy's engine bit the dust, and a frustrated Stewart tossed his helmet into the crowd, hitting a fan right in the face. The fan then faked like he was serious injury, and had to be carted away by several track workers and a shady personal injury lawyer.
"Dude, you've got it all wrong," says Stewart. "I didn't toss my helmet at anyone. You're thinking of Kevin Garnett of the Minnesota Timberwolves, who tossed a ball into the stands in frustration. That guy's got a temper issue, which is something with which I am totally unfamiliar. I finished last, behind the likes of Stanton Barrett, who should be handling my investment portfolio and not racing. I remained calm, and didn't run anyone off the track, although I did force a NASCAR official's golf cart into a ditch. I still got it!"
10. Brian Vickers — Vickers struggled to an 18th-place finish in California, the lowest finisher among Hendrick Motorsports drivers. He dropped two spaces to number nine in the points.
"More importantly," says Vickers, "you can see me on 'Inside Nextel Cup' on Speed Channel this season alongside Michael Waltrip and Ken Schrader. I'll be thrilled if I'll be able to get a word in edgewise with those guys."
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