Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson — Johnson won his first Daytona 500 after a tumultuous two weeks in Daytona in which his crew chief, Chad Knaus, was suspended after the No. 48 car failed a post-qualifying inspection. Despite Knaus' absence, Johnson persevered and held off Casey Mears and Ryan Newman for the season-opening win.
"This is a life-long dream come true," says Johnson. "Winning the Daytona 500 is proof that miracles do happen, as is passing the post-race inspection."
Indeed, the Lowe's car probably faced the most complete inspection in NASCAR history. It's not the first time Johnson's car has failed an inspection, and probably won't be the last. Johnson will forever face questions of whether his Daytona win was tainted.
"Look, the car passed inspection and I'm Daytona champion," says Johnson. "It doesn't matter whether I'm a member of the Lying Cheaters' Club or the Cheating Liars' Club. I won this race with a legal car, and I didn't even have to use that special button that drops oil onto the path of my pursuers. Now, I'm going to do something I've been waiting years to do: have my eyebrows plucked."
2. Tony Stewart — Stewart, winner of the Hershey's Kissables 300 Busch Series race on Saturday, was anything but kissable on Sunday. The No. 20 Home Depot was involved in separate incidents with Jeff Gordon, Matt Kenseth, and Kyle Busch. At one point, Stewart blatantly ran Kenseth off the track, and was penalized for aggressive driving. Despite all the incidents, Stewart managed a strong finish of fifth.
"What's the big deal?" asks Stewart. "Didn't I warn everyone about the pitfalls of aggressive driving? Well, I was right. Nobody ever said I wasn't a man of my word."
With Stewart endangering fellow drivers and Britney Spears endangering her very own child, 2006 looks to be a very interesting year. Stewart will be in the middle of all the feuds, badmouthing, and drama, as well as the points race.
3. Casey Mears — Trailing Johnson and Newman on the final lap, Mears chose to follow the No. 48 car when Newman tried to slingshot past Johnson for the lead. Newman had no help to get by, and Mears followed Johnson across the line for second, making it a one-two Californian finish.
"It's not quite a win," says Mears, "but I'll gladly take a second in the biggest race of the year. At least now my uncle, four-time Indianapolis 500 winner Rick Mears, will acknowledge me as worthy of the Mears surname. I felt the key to my race was staying out of trouble, also known as staying away from Tony Stewart."
4. Ryan Newman — Newman rode Jimmie Johnson's bumper for much of the race's latter stages, but was unable to muster the momentum for a last lap pass, instead settling for a third-place finish. After the race, Newman reacted with a true NASCAR emotion: bitterness.
"I hate Rusty Wallace," says Newman. "Oh, sorry. I can't get that out of my blood. What I meant to say is that Jimmie Johnson is a cheater. I was nose-to-tail with the No. 48 car for much of the day, and, using the knowledge obtained in my engineering studies at Purdue University, I was able to pinpoint several violations. For example, using only the naked eye, I could tell that the rear spoiler was 1/32 of an inch too high, and the inspection sticker on his license plate had clearly expired."
Surprisingly, Newman seemed to work well with new teammate Kurt Busch, as the two paired up on a few occasions at the front of the pack. Is this the beginning of a good working relationship?
"You know," adds Newman, "with Rusty, I never felt like I could sit down and have a drink with him. With Kurt, that seems like a definite possibility."
5. Elliott Sadler — Sadler was the first of two Robert Yates Racing cars in the top 10, and one of only three top-10 qualifiers to finish the race in the top 10. Sadler led four early laps, and was in position to challenge for the win near the end.
"I wasn't the least bit worried about what was going on in front of me," explains Sadler. "I was concerned about who was behind me. That would have been Tony Stewart. And, I think I'd rather be quail hunting with Vice President Dick Cheney than racing that close to an obviously ornery Stewart. So, I'll take my fourth, put in a dip, and go on my merry way."
6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. — Earnhardt led the most laps in a typically strong performance by the Dale Earnhardt Incorporated-powered Budweiser Chevy. Junior was a factor all day, but never could maneuver into position to challenge for the win, settling for an eighth-place result.
"Maybe I wasn't in the winner's circle," says Earnhardt, "but I'm sure I led all drivers in commercial air time. I now give autographs with the ® symbol by my name. I'm not just a driver, I'm a name brand. Look for my new line of clothing at your nearest Goody's store."
7. Brian Vickers — Vickers led 21 laps on the road to a seventh-place finish on an eventful day for Hendrick Mototsports drivers. Vickers was passed on lap 187 by teammate and eventual winner Jimmie Johnson, while teammates Jeff Gordon and Kyle Busch traded sheet metal and angry looks with Tony Stewart.
"Two Hendrick cars in the top 10," says Vickers, "and two potential feuds with Stewart. We Hendricks drivers are a loyal bunch. We look out for our own. Gordon and Busch will get their revenge, or my name isn't Vickers with a 'V,' and 'V' is for 'Vendetta,' coming to a theater near you on March 17, from the creators of The Matrix."
8. Clint Bowyer — Bowyer validated his third-place finish in Saturday's Busch Series race with a sixth-place in the main event on Sunday, the highest finish by a rookie.
"Two races, two top-10s," says Bowyer. "Not bad for a rookie. When can I start polishing my Rookie of the Year trophy? If you've looked closely, you'll see that six of the seven Cup rookies finished the race on the lead lap. It's the veterans that drive like lunatics, some with higher levels of lunacy than others. Apparently, the mix of carbon monoxide and road rage is a very volatile combination."
9. Ken Schrader — Schrader survived a close call in an early-race wreck, diving through the infield grass to avoid contact with the locked-up cars of Carl Edwards and Kyle Petty. Driving the No. 21 Wood Brothers car piloted last year by Ricky Rudd, Schrader came home in ninth place.
"If you don't have a car fast enough to challenge for the win," says Schrader, "then you best stay out of trouble and avoid dangerous drivers. We were able to do that. I think most of the other drivers respect me enough to give me room. And, I think they're a little intimidated when they see the most fearsome sponsorship decal in all of racing, Little Debbie snack cakes."
10. Dale Jarrett — Last year's Daytona 500 pole-sitter was again fast, finishing in 10th place, joining teammate and fourth-place finisher Elliott Sadler in the top 10. Jarrett overcame a pit road speeding penalty early in the race, and worked the No. 88 United Parcel Service Ford Fusion into the top 10 in the race's final 20 laps. Jarrett then delivered several mail packages, right on time, to downtown Daytona's business district.
"The truck was a little loose today," explained Jarrett, "and I honestly thought I was going to fall out of the driver's side door a few times taking some sharp turns. But we were able to get the packages out on time. I want to race the truck, but it obviously needs some added safety features, and a better color scheme."
Leave a Comment