One of the most frequent and fervent debates among sportswriters is what can be, or can not be, considered a "sport." I engaged in one such dispute with a colleague named B.J. recently over one of America's newest athletic obsessions: FOX's "Skating With Celebrities."
My contention is that the actual competition on "Skating With Celebrities" is no different, other than some time considerations, than the kind of pairs skating exhibitions you'd watch on a random weekend afternoon on a network too cheap to pay for the NFL. There's skating, there's lifting, there's jumping. I don't care if it's Brian Boitano and Michelle Kwan or Dave Coulier and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the movie one, not the good one), figure skating is figure skating. And if your issue is that figure skating isn't a sport, I defer to the ages-old Olympic Litmus Test, by which a sport is indeed a sport because it is featured during the Summer or Winter Games. (Notice the absence of both golf and NASCAR in either.)
B.J.'s response was just as in-depth and cogent: "There are some days when I don't know why I bother talking to you."
To dismiss athletic achievement because it happens to take place on a reality television show is ludicrous. Those guys on "The Contender?" Real boxers, and they're boxing. Those pseudo-celebrities and aspiring models on the "Real World/Road Rules Extreme Gauntlet Challenge?" Really competing hard in physically arduous events, when they aren't having unprotected sex off-camera.
My favorite destination for reality show athleticism is CBS's ever-popular "Survivor." I think the challenges are inventive. And really, anytime you ask a 45-year-old woman who's been living off rice and boiled water for the last 14 days to swim half a mile, run half a mile, and then win a tug-of-war against a group of personal trainers and ex-soldiers, it's golden.
"Survivor" began yet another season this week and, as is tradition for me, I half-watched the first episode: viewing long enough to get the setup and the twists without having to waste any time getting attached to players who won't be around by St. Patrick's Day. My girlfriend, however, watched the first episode a tad more intently. About midway through the show, she called to me from the bedroom:
"Hey ... isn't that Timber Tina?"
The name didn't register, so I walked over for some face recognition. Then I saw a woman, in her 40s, walking with her chosen "tribe."
And then it occurred to me that the last time I saw this woman, she was wielding a chainsaw while two men raced each other up a tree.
It was in Maine, during summer vacation. Once you've lounged for a while and become reacquainted with nature, your options for fun are sort of limited in the Great State of Maine. You can only eat so much lobster and so much blueberry pie. Antiquing is great until the hundredth time you're told that those rusty '67 Chevy hubcaps you've been eyeing would not make good serving platters for parties. There was a zoo near where we stayed, which proudly boasted a sign out front that read "Yes, We Have a Moose."
No, we didn't pay to find out.
But there is one out-of-the-ordinary attraction in Maine that is perfect when the entertainment options seem slim: the Great Maine Lumberjack Show, hosting by "Timber" Tina Scheer.
She's quick to point that, in fact, she's a "lumberjill." And the show isn't entertainment, she'll tell you; it's "edu-tainment," an event that'll learn ya good while you have a good time.
(And what an education it was before the show that summer! A woman decided to breastfeed her child in the front row of the amphitheater. Which was fine until she began walking back and forth in front of the bleachers, sending my girlfriend's hand over my eyes and the summer camp boys next to me into giggly hysterics.)
I found the lumberjack show to be a bit like "Medieval Times" for the flannel and Caterpillar set. Four competitors split up into a red and blue team, while Timber Tina calls the action and informs the audience about "timber sports." We're talking cutting, rolling, climbing and, of course, axe throwing, which is the coolest thing in the history of things. I also enjoyed the log rolling, which featured two women doing everything they could to get the other wet. All I needed was Howard Stern to describe it and about 10 minutes to myself...
Tina has been competing in these sorts of events since she was 8-years-old, and is considered a pioneer in competitive "lumberjilling." But her talents cross over into what's been traditionally a man's sport: there have been international competitions where Scheer was the lone female on the team, and she thrived. She's also been featured on ESPN, during one of those addictive "great outdoors" strongman competitions.
She's also a hell of a showwoman, acting out hokey pre-scripted bits with the competitors, interacting with kids, and leading the crowd with chants of "YO-HO," which evidently was a lumberjack call-sign before it was co-opted by the hip-hop community as a pickup line. I can't remember which team won — but I do remember her hilarious double-take when a young boy, on stage for a sawing exhibition, told her his name and quickly followed with "and I have to go to the bathroom now!"
So it was with great interest that I found out Timber Tina would be on "Survivor" this season. Surely, she would be a threat to win, what with her deep woods experience and amazing handiwork with sharp objects.
And then she was voted out.
On the first episode.
She called out her own team for not working hard. She went off on her own a bit. And clearly a "lumberjill" was going to be a major player in the game, so they canned her in the first vote. What a pisser.
And what a tragedy, in fact. On her first and only show, she drew a name in the sand on the beach: "Charlie." It was for her son, who died last year as a result of a car accident. He was 16-years-old.
According to the Portland Press Herald, Tina was actually selected to compete on an earlier edition of the reality program in Guatemala, but opted out after her son was killed. CBS allowed her to postpone appearing on the show until this new edition began in Panama, to give her proper time to mourn. Her private memorial to him on the first episode, which may have cost her a shot at $1 million in hindsight, was painfully touching.
How fitting that Tina Scheer made her reality television debut on a show called "Survivor." Whether it's thriving as a woman in a man's sport, or grieving as a mother without her son, she's proven to be one.
And if you disagree, remember that she has a chainsaw...
Super Bowl Selection
I really wanted to find a way to pick the Seahawks in this game, but having broken down all the different facets of these teams only one thing is clear: it's going to take an epic choke job by Pittsburgh for Seattle to win.
Not that it's impossible. This team has imploded before, and this quarterback looked like he didn't belong in the NFL, let alone the playoffs, last season.
But the Steelers' defense is playing on a different level right now, and Shaun Alexander gained a whole lot of yards this season against teams without a whole lot of defense. Pittsburgh is going to squash him, and Hasselbeck will be left trying to find an open man in what will look like a swarm of yellow jackets.
Steelers 27, Seattle 10. And $20 on Keith Richards showing his nipple during halftime.
Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington, DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" will be published in spring 2006. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
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