Tressel Out, Mason in as OSU Coach

So it's been, what, about three weeks since college football exited stage left, and I do miss it already.

I am not sure what to do with myself until then. Oh sure, college basketball is fun. Golf is a pleasant diversion, as always. My poker habit is becoming an addiction. But these are all just Cheetos when my stomach desires a steak.

What can I do except fire up EA Sports NCAA Football 2005, play Arkansas State against Buffalo, and write 4,000 words on it?

First quarter: I lose the toss, and receive the kickoff. I receive the ball at my own 15 and know I must instantly must juke left or else...

Just kidding. As pathetic as my column gimmicks are (very), not even I can slink to those sadistic depths. I just wanted to make my Editor/Publisher, Marc James, read that and say, "Oh, come on! I'm not publishing this! I ... oh, okay. Whew!" (Mission accomplished. — Ed)

I realize, though, that college football never sleeps. It's just the on-field action itself that goes on hiatus. News, injuries, recruiting, intrigue, drama — it all continues to unfold around the clock, every day all year. So what's in the college football news bucket right now? I've already cracked a corner of it, and I can smell the honey barbecue grease. Mm mm!

Dateline Minneapolis

As much as I hated high school, the metaphors it engenders know no ends. You remember that girl who would try desperately to be popular, so hard that she would even occasionally succeed, and be taken in by the cool kids for about a week and a half? Perhaps her card was stamped when she became the quarterback's temporary following a drunken tryst.

After a grace period, however, she would inevitably do something (get caught picking her nose, wearing her gray acid-washed jeans from eighth grade) that exposed her as rough trade, and the cool kids would cast her asunder, humiliated. The princely quarterback would look for a diplomatic, pseudo-reasonable excuse to dump her. Two hours later after the worst day ever unfolded, she's slamming the door to her bedroom, screaming to her parents, "It's not FAIR! You don't understand ANYTHING!" and settling down in her bed for a good cry.

That's Minnesota, if high school is the Big 10. Some kids are destined to always sit at the losers' table (like Indiana and ... Indiana), but everyone else eventually climbs the mountain all the way to the top. To be sure, every member school has represented the Big 10 in the Rose Bowl or the BCS since 1988 except Minnesota and Indiana (and Minnesota's drought goes back to 1962, Indiana's to 1968).

This doesn't stop the fact that every year Minnesota charges out of the gate like gangbusters. Sure, their weak non-conference scheduling is legendary, but they somehow look special in those games anyway. Often, they will start out the Big 10 season with a small winning streak, and then the team is on everyone's radar and every Gopher fan is living the life of Riley. This is always the point they bust out the acid wash. Their one-dimensional offense is dissected, they start dropping games, and horrified Gopher fans start hearing the infamous "They're all going to laugh at you!" loop from Carrie in their heads.

And I didn't even explore the metaphorical possibilities their pathetic stadium situation promises.

But that stadium situation may be one of the reasons why the cool quarterback, (in this case, highly-respected coach Glen Mason), has not yet signed the extension he has reportedly agreed to. Everything I read on his lack of a signature indicates that it's just some minor "contract language" issues, and that he's agreed in principle.

I love a good conspiracy theory, however, and I submit to you the possibility that the rumors are true that the NCAA is going to bring the hammer down on Ohio State's football program, Jim Tressel will be sacrificed, this story will break any second now, and Mason wants to be available to jump on the Buckeye ship with both feet as fast as he can when it happens.

It's no secret that Mason interviewed for the Ohio State job when John Cooper got the axe, and was very likely the Buckeye brass' second choice.

Not that I would believe any of this is going to happen, not for a second. If it did, I would be too devastated as an OSU alumnus myself to take pride in my scoop. But I've been wanting to try my hand at tabloid journalism for quite awhile, and it was time. It was just time.

In fact, my true prediction is that there are no NCAA penalties awaiting the Buckeye football program if they are even still under investigation, it's a very secretive one), Mason will sign, crank out five more years of 4-4 and 3-5 Big 10 seasons (perhaps one at 5-3), and the Gopher backers will find fresh tear stains on their pillow. It's just not FAIR!