How to Fix the Lingerie Bowl

In theory, the Lingerie Bowl is a fantastic idea. There are few things that could be better suited for halftime of the Super Bowl than ridiculously-hot women prancing around in their underwear. Against the odds, it ended up as an overwhelming flop. That is unacceptable to me as an American, so I have figured out how the Lingerie Bowl could be saved with one simple addition — fat chicks.

There are probably two reactions for most males that read that last line. They either spat coffee out on their computer screens or they had a heart attack. But thanks to paper towels and the fact that most buildings are equipped with emergency defibrillators, there are no lingering health ramifications outside of a jump-start to your day. Now that we have all had some time to calm down and think about what I said, let me repeat it — the one thing the Lingerie Bowl needs is fat chicks.

If you look at how the bowl is set up, there are essentially two teams full of gorgeous women wearing very little clothing. That is great and everything, but there is no real emotional attachment to one team or the other. It would be like your favorite team playing against your second favorite team with the only catch being that they play the game with a drab all-star game-esque intensity level. Everything changes if one of those teams is filled with overweight celebrities like Kristie Alley and Star Jones.

The first thing that happens is that the audience is split right down the middle. All males, naturally, will root for the underdog team of hotties (for the same reasons guys root for Maria Sharapova and not Ivi Mandic). Women, on the other hand, will be rooting vehemently against the team of girls hotter than they are. This stems largely from their festering resentment of these outrageously-hot supermodels and actresses who go to extreme means to look perfect and help shatter the self-esteems of girls everywhere.

Nevertheless, the battle lines will be clearly drawn. This would be the matchup of the knockouts versus the can-knock-you-outs. The kid's meal versus the extra value meal. It would be the Lady Davids against the Things That Ate Goliath.

I think it's important to mention that, because it is the Lingerie Bowl, both teams will be wearing their underthings. Of course, it's also important that Team Hot will be outfitted by Victoria's Secret while Team Big will be outfitted by the company that makes those tarps that cover the infield when it rains. The next area that needs to be addressed is the obvious advantage Team Big would have.

This is a simple issue to fix. Team Hot will simply increase their athleticism by recruiting a few of the more attractive athletes, like Jennie Finch and Heather Mitts. That will help on the offensive side of the ball, but I haven't clearly figured out how to offset the defensive disadvantage.

I think the logical solution would be to recruit some of the tougher WWE divas so Team Hot could have some people who know how to properly execute a body slam or takedown. I'm also toying with the idea of making Dennis Rodman a player-coach for Team Hot's defense and letting him lingerie-it-up so he can lay out a few vicious hits on the Rosie O'Donnells of Team Big. The funny thing is that, while I could actually believe Rodman getting behind something like this, it wouldn't even be the low point of his career.

A big change that this will have on the game is in the actually game play itself. Coaching will become vital and the days of three yards and a cloud of lingerie football would be long gone. Trick plays that rely on speed and athleticism would be vital for Team Hot to even be competitive in this game. This will result in wide-open play and more scoring for Team Hot, which ultimately means more sexy endzone celebrations. I'm struggling to find the flaws in all of this.

Who couldn't get behind a game where you could have a coked-out Lindsay Lohan take an option pitch and then get obliterated by Queen Latifah? Or where you could have Heather Mitts dropping a few Reggie Bush moves to get into the open field and then race down the sideline to the endzone while being chased by Kristie Alley and Lori Beth Denberg? It would look like a slow-motion version of the running of the bulls in Pamplona. The icing on the cake would be if it involves a Dennis Rodman so desperate for a paycheck that he is clad in women's underwear and brutally tackling Rosie O'Donnell.

At the end of the day, you are left with something that is highly offensive, yet mildly entertaining (which is better than highly offensive and completely boring). If the right people could be coerced into participating, it could be a more intriguing matchup than the Super Bowl. The promotion and marketing possibilities are endless. As hard as it is for me to say, fat chicks could be the saviors of the Lingerie Bowl.

The Sports Gospel According to Mark is sponsored by BetOnSports.com. BetOnSports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on. Wager on football, cricket, boxing, Rugby, horse racing, and more. Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].