Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Pittsburgh @ Denver
"He missed it!"
Those words were uttered countless times when Indianapolis kicker Mike Vanderjagt's 46-yard field goal attempt sailed wide right, preserving the Steelers' shocking 21-18 win over the Colts.
"'Wide' right?" asks Steelers head coach Bill Cowher. "You must mean 'double' wide right. He missed that by a good trailer park's distance. If Vanderjagt were a liquor, he'd be called 'Canadian Missed.' Mix that with Vanderjagt's soft drink of choice, Choke, and you get a drink called the 'Idiot Kicker.' I love Canada. Anyway, I think I said 'he missed it' several times before Vanderjagt's kick. But, of course, I was referring to all the calls missed by the officials. Home-field advantage, especially in the AFC this year, means a game in your backyard and officials in your back pocket."
Luckily, at least in the Steelers' case, the bad calls that went against them did not cost them the game. It did, however, leave a bitter taste in the mouth of Pittsburgh linebacker Joey Porter, who accused the officials of "cheating" for the Colts.
"Was that an AFC crew working the game?" asks Porter. "Of course it was. But it this case, 'AFC' doesn't mean 'American Football Conference,' it stands for 'Anything For the Colts.' Those officials obviously don't know what an interception is. Just ask Troy Polamalu. That's was the worst call I'd ever seen, at least until the officials' next bad call. I'm surprised Tony Dungy didn't challenge the officials' call of 'no good' on Vanderjagt's kick. The replay officials obviously would have overturned the call. Whatever the NFL fines me for my justified comments, I will pay in pennies."
Hey, chill out, Joey. If the United States Olympic Committee can grant figure skater Michelle Kwan a free pass into the 2006 Olympics because she's choked in her previous two Games, then, by gosh, the NFL can try and gift the Colts into the next round.
In a weekend of rematches of regular season games, the Broncos were the only team to match their regular season win. Denver forced five turnovers to end the Patriots' run at a third straight Super Bowl, 27-13.
"First of all," says Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan, "we'd like to thank the Steelers for knocking out the Colts, thus giving us the AFC championship at home. And, we'd like to thank the officials for a few favorable calls. It's obvious the NFL wanted a Broncos/Colts championship game."
Jake Plummer led the Broncos on touchdown drives of one, one, and seven yards, solidifying his status as "the NFL's most average quarterback, who, after nine years in the league, finally gets his break and falls into a situation that might win him a Super Bowl."
"Man, that title won't fit on a belt buckle," says Plummer, considering corn rows for his beard after an inspirational talk with Randy Moss, "nor will it fit on a t-shirt, or a vanity license plate, so what good is it to me? All I know is it takes nerves of steel to guide my team on such lengthy scoring drives. You think it's easy handing off to Mike Anderson for one-yard touchdowns? Well, it is. It's very easy."
The stakes will be high for Sunday's first conference championship. Pittsburgh will look to become the first number six seed to reach the Super Bowl. If they succeed, they will have won three road games to get there. The Steelers have lost their last four AFC Championship games under Cowher, but all of those have been at home. Will they fare better on the road? Or, will the physical toll of two playoff games and the rarefied air in Denver doom the Steelers?
"I'll make the stakes even higher," says Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. "Jake Plummer, let's make this a 'beard versus beard' match. The loser must shave his beard with a rusty straight razor."
"The bet's on, Big Ben!" replies Plummer. "Let's add these stipulations: no shaving cream, no count outs, and no disqualification."
"Let me in on this," says Cowher. "Shanahan, I'll put my lower jaw and flying spittle on the line against your beady, darting eyes."
Pittsburgh is the hottest team in the playoffs right now. If they rattled Peyton Manning lat Sunday, just imagine what they can do to Jake Plummer. The only player with more hair than Plummer, Pittsburgh safety Troy Polamalu, will make life miserable for the Denver signal-caller. The Steeler defense was only on the field against Indianapolis for 25 minutes, so they should be fairly rested. It's the year of the road team.
Steelers win, 24-23.
Carolina @ Seattle
Seattle rock-and-roll icon and guitar virtuoso, the late Jimi Hendrix, once asked "Are You Experienced?" Well, the Panthers can confidently say that "Yes, we are experienced." Many on the Panthers' current roster played in the Super Bowl two years ago, after they whipped the Eagles in Philly for the NFC crown. So, an NFC championship game on the road is nothing new.
"Yeah, and another deceased Seattle celebrity, Nirvana's Kurt Cobain, once said, 'Damn, I'm married to one crazy bitch," reports Seattle head coach Mike Holmgren. "Can I compare that to anything the least bit football related? Well, I could, but we'd be here longer than it takes to spritz Jimmy Johnson's hair. The point is, I've been to a Super Bowl before as a head coach. The difference is, I've won it before. The Panthers can't say that. Well, they could say it, but they'd be liars. Now, excuse me while I kiss the sky."
Seattle beat the Redskins 20-10 to advance to the NFC title game, despite an injury to league MVP and rushing leader Shaun Alexander, who was knocked out midway through the first quarter with a concussion.
"Hey, I'm not the first person who's been knocked silly and awakened in the Emerald City," says Alexander, petting his small, black terrier Toto. "I'm still a little woozy, but luckily, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion will help me get to the Super Bowl. Hey, who's that man with his head in the curtains?"
It's not the great and powerful Oz — it's probably an NFL official with his head stuck in the replay camera preparing to blow another call. But you could ask him for an unscrambled brain anyway. Answer me this, Shaun. Why couldn't you get your tailback in the game after your "concussion?" You were perfectly capable of bouncing up and down and applauding your team. You looked like a cheerleader out there.
"I wasn't ready, okay," replies Alexander.
Ready, okay? See, you're even starting to talk like a cheerleader.
Just as the Steelers made the Indianapolis offense look ordinary, the Panthers made the Chicago defense look ordinary, or even less than ordinary. The Panthers scored 29 points and racked up 434 yards of total offense against a Bears unit that had surrendered an average of 12.6 points and 282 yards per game. Wide receiver Steve Smith torched the Bears for twelve catches for 218 yards and two long touchdown catches. In two games versus the Bears this year, Smith had 26 catches and 387 yards receiving.
"Monsters of the Midway?" asks an unimpressed Smith. "It's more like 'Muppets of the Midway.' Kermit, Elmo, Vasher, Tillman, Azumah, Bert, Ernie? None of those fools can check me. And none of those fools, MVP voters, that is, checked my name when it came voting time. This is the revenge of Steve Smith. My name's not Stephen A. Smith, but, quite frankly, I'm offended I didn't get a single MVP vote. Maybe I should ask for a recount, because all the suckers that got votes, Alexander, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Tiki Barber, and Carson Palmer, are either out of the playoffs or fighting dizzy spells. Here's some quick playoff statistics: me, four touchdowns, no concussions. The league MVP: no touchdowns, one concussion."
"Somebody give Steve Smith the respect he deserves," yells Panthers coach John Fox. "I'd like to quote my favorite Seattle band, Heart. Steve is a magic man, momma. He's a bad animal, and Seattle defense, he's gonna go crazy on you."
Obviously, Smith will grace the cover of the Seattle game plan. Is there a way to stop him that doesn't require two defenders? Probably not. Expect the Seahawks to double-cover Smith all day, and force Jake Delhomme to throw to his other receivers. And don't think the Carolina rush attack will lose much with DeShaun Foster out. Nick Goings proved himself last year as a more than worthy backup. Anyway, with Smith drawing so much attention, there should be room to run.
Seattle has ridden Alexander all year, but they proved last week that they can win without him. Matt Hasselbeck and Darrell Jackson hooked up nine times for 143 yards and a touchdown last week. If Alexander is the least bit tentative coming back from a concussion, he will quickly become a non-factor. I expect Alexander to play a tough game and prove he deserves the MVP.
Things don't start well for the Panthers, though. Delhomme enjoys a delicious pre-game meal of Bojangle's chicken. Once the game starts, Delhomme, still hungry for the taste of fried chicken, begins to lick his fingers like a man possessed. For someone like Delhomme, who licks his fingers quite often anyway, that is a problem. He fumbles the Panthers' first snap, and Seattle recovers. Alexander later bounces in from four yards out, and the Seahawks take a quick 7-0 lead. The Panthers regroup, and get the ball into Smith's hands in any way possible. That includes receptions, runs, direct snaps — Smith even throws a pass to himself.
The Panthers return to the Super Bowl with a 27-24 win.
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