Why God Hates the Colts

After the shocking loss to the Steelers, Indianapolis Colts offensive lineman Tarik Glenn tried to quiet some of the in-team finger pointing by reminding the press it was a team loss. "Football's a game of a 53-man roster," he told the AP. "You just can't put the blame on one man." He's right — you can't place the blame on one man. I believe, however, you can place the blame on one deity — the "lord."

There is no question that this was the most shocking playoff loss since the Patriots knocked off the Rams to start their dynasty. Everyone in the country that didn't play for the Pittsburgh Steelers had wagered heavily on the Colts (including the Zebras ... oh, and probably the refs, too). A banged-up Pittsburgh team was walking into Indianapolis to take on the best team in football this year, who is led by the best quarterback in football. It was a given, with the Patriots knocked out early, that the Colts were Super Bowl bound.

Shortly after the loss, Colts kicker/goat Mike Vanderjagt explained how he felt by saying he was in extreme disbelief. "From the [Troy] Polamalu interception reversal to Jerome's [Bettis] fumble, everything seemed to be lined up in our favor. I guess the lord forgot about the football team," he said.

Vanderjagt brings up a very interesting point. I don't know him personally, so I can't say whether he meant the Christian Lord, whether it was the Lord of the Flies, or even the Lord of the Dance, but frankly, it doesn't matter. I can accept that bigger things were at play here. The problem is that the lord (whoever it is) certainly didn't forget about the team, he simply hates them.

Mike needs to accept reality and stop making apologies. Vanderjagt thinks the lord forgot, but isn't he supposed to be perfect? Did the lord simply forget to mark the date on his calendar, or was he distracted by the latest season of "24"? (I assume the lord gets all TV shows one day ahead of time as there has to be some perks to the job. Also, I know that if I was lord, I might be distracted from time to time by TV. I guess that's why I'm not lord.) I suppose the lord could have been on vacation and given his powers to a common man, a la Bruce Almighty, which may or may not have been based off a true story, but I doubt any deity is vacationing this early in the year.

Things in that game were just too eerie. Consider the plight of Nick Harper. His wife "accidentally" stabs him days before the game, making him questionable to play. Then, at the most critical juncture of the game, he comes up with a big fumble recovery and starts racing down the field. On any regular day, he has the speed and the confidence to run right past Ben Roethlisberger and off into the sunset with a win, but he had just enough self-doubt stemming from his wounds to try and wait for blockers and was tackled instead. That play was like a knife in the knee of the Colts' chance at victory (I made this pun only because I think there is some sort of prize for being the one-millionth person to say this).

Seriously, though, if the lord "forgot" about the game, the Colts would've won by four touchdowns. I think I'm enjoying their fall from heavenly-favor too much and I know this has to hurt even more for Vanderjagt. (I know a lot of people loved believing the Red Sox were cursed, but I think it's even better when the lord openly hates your team. That could just be me.) Things seemed to be too good to be true that the Colts were a field-goal kick away from overtime with under a minute to go. In a cruel twist of fate, the most accurate kicker in NFL history missed a 46-yarder and let the Steelers advance. Burned.

That may be bad, but it has to really grind his gears when you look at the rest of the lord's body of work in sports. Freddy Mitchell is a great example. The only reason the trash-talking wideout is playing professional football is, according to Freddie, because of the lord's great work on his hands.

And who can forget how much the lord respects Deion Sanders? After all, it was the lord who once told Deion to pay an auto shop considerably less than he owed for his car repairs. He certainly didn't "forget" about Deion (of course, don't make the mistake that the lord handled all of Prime Time's finances, as he never helped Sanders cut his child support checks on time). Funny that Fred-Ex and Prime Time end up on the lord's "likes" column, while an idiot, liquored-up kicker and the Colts sit firmly entrenched on the "dislikes" side.

Still, even with the lord's clear disdain for the Indianapolis Colts, I cringe when I read that quote from Vanderjagt. It's one thing when Peyton "It Wasn't My Fault We Lost" Manning throws his offensive line under the bus, but it's an entirely different situation when Vanderjagt is calling out the lord. I understand it's the heat of the moment, but, well, I can't say I would be surprised if it's a little stormy when Mike takes to the golf course this summer.

Even Peyton Manning knows this has to be a bad thing. After the game, he said, "It certainly takes time to move on from a game like this and try to make peace with the football gods." I wasn't aware of Vanderjagt's comments until the day after, but he clearly isn't alone in his theory/excuse.

Now, most people like to argue that the lord surely has better things to do with his time, but who are they to speak for the lord? They can't know he isn't involved in sports anymore than desperate-for-answers football players know that he is. Given Indy's recent playoff history, maybe Vanderjagt is on to something. Or maybe he still is an idiot, liquored-up kicker.

Either way, I can't say I would be surprised to see a pair of foster kids roaming the sidelines in Indianapolis next season, flapping their arms up and down during crucial points of the game in the off chance that there really are angels in the end zone.

The Sports Gospel According to Mark is sponsored by BetOnSports.com. BetOnSports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on. Wager on football, cricket, boxing, Rugby, horse racing, and more. Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].