Thursday, January 12, 2006
The Hilarious Case of Marcus Vick
At what point does a tragic study become a ridiculous study? At what point do gravity's forces become humorous rather than grave?
Wherever that point is, we will have to call it the Vick Point. Marcus Vick was a tragic figure at first — argued by some to have more raw natural talent than his brother, he had a couple of scrapes with team policy and the law, and we wondered whether he'd be able to fulfill his promise, or become another after-school special.
It would've been tragic if he simply would've gone down the second path. But the fact that he's running down the second path, laughing madly and urinating on the first path is why fewer and fewer people are shaking their heads at his plight. He makes Maurice Clarett look like Kurt Warner.
To recap just the last month in the life of "New Mexico," as a much cleverer writer than myself has dubbed him, he has:
* Got busted for going 38 mph in a 25 zone ... on a suspended license.
* Stomped on Elvis Dumervil's calf in the Gator Bowl, and then lied about having apologized to Dumervil (unless Dumervil is the one lying, but ... c'mon.)
* Gets kicked off the Virginia Tech team for these transgressions, after already being on a sort of final warning for his myriad legal and team-rules problems leading up to the Gator Bowl.
Then came his real piece de resistance. According to the police charges, some teenagers were cracking on him in the parking lot of a Mickey D's ... so he did what we would do in that situation, and showed the kids he was packing.
Who other than robbers and Ted Nugent takes a gun to McDonald's? Perhaps he didn't realize he was still wearing the pants with the gun in them. Happens to me all the time. I'll be fishing for that last nickel to complete my Big Mac combo meal and I have to empty out my pockets to find it — my wallet, my keys, my gun, an old tissue, losing lottery tickets — ah, there it is.
Come to think of it, there may be some good reasons to take your heater to McDonalds. Y'know how sometimes you put your cup under the soda dispenser of your choice, take that first sip, and it turns out to be all seltzer? Let's see how quick they replace that Sprite syrup now!
It's acceptable to pull a gun on McDonalds employees or customers for the following reasons:
1. They won't sell you a Sausage McMuffin at 10:35 AM.
2. They only give you one hot mustard packet for your 20-piece Chicken McNugget.
3. Customer is standing over the soda fountains so no one can access any of them until they've finished pouring their drink and drinks for their five friends. Pistol-whipping also okay in this situation.
4. They so charged you for a second McChicken sandwich, but didn't give it to you, and now you have to drive all the back, or suffer.
5. Teenagers call you a has-been.
My best guess to what the teenagers said was, "Quarter Pounder with extra pickles? That's not in the playbook ... but it should be!"
In light of it all, I hope to see New Mexico in the real life version of The Longest Yard soon, as well as an entire episode this weekend on VH1's "Best Week Ever" devoted to him.
Oh yeah, he also declared for the NFL draft! Any takers?