NFL Weekly Predictions: Divisional Round

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Washington @ Seattle

After reviewing the game tape of Washington's 17-10 win in Tampa Bay last week, Seattle defensive coordinator Ray Rhodes has devised a plan to stop the Redskins' offense.

"That's right," says Rhodes. "It's very simple. To prevent the 'Skins from scoring, we must concentrate on one thing: keeping the Washington offense on the field. How do you score 17 points on 120 yards of total offense?"

Ask the Chicago Bears.

The Redskins' defense set up one offensive touchdown on LaVar Arrington's interception, and safety Sean Taylor scored one outright on a 51-yard fumble return. Taylor was ejected in the third quarter for spitting in the face of Tampa running back Michael Pittman, and Taylor was later fined $17,000 by the league.

"That's all under appeal," says Taylor. "Under the advice of my legal counsel, William Romanowski, Esquire, I can only make the following statement: if you didn't see spit, you must acquit. Now, should anyone need to contact me, I'll be on the golf course looking for the real spitter."

As is the case with each of the divisional games this weekend, the Washington/Seattle contest is a rematch of a regular season game. Seattle was the only one of the top seeds to lose the regular season game. The Redskins won 20-17 in overtime in Week 4. That game was in Washington — Seattle will be looking for revenge in the cozy confines of Qwest Field in Seattle, where the Seahawks are 8-0.

"I'm Coach Joe Gibbs," says the Redskins' head honcho. "Do you see these three fingers? Notice the three Super Bowl rings on them? That leaves me two ringless fingers, index and thumb, with which to form a 'zero,' which is the amount of concern I give to the Seahawks' supposed home-field advantage. The Redskins can go anywhere and win, whether it be Qwest Field, a Quest minivan, A Tribe Called Quest, Johnny Quest, you name it. Those fools in Seattle can't even spell 'quest.'"

The key for Seattle, of course, is the running of Shaun Alexander, the league's leading rusher and most valuable player. Seattle's strength is running to the left, behind left tackle Walter Jones and left guard Steve Hutchinson.

"That's right," says Seattle coach Mike Holmgren. "Our offense leans further left than Rolling Stone magazine. We know that defense is the Redskins' strength. And they know our offense is our strength. We'll have to strap our helmets on extra tight, and I guess we should wear our face shields since Sean Taylor will be playing."

There's no question that Washington's defense will keep them in the game — and there's no question their offense may take them out of it. Alexander and the Seattle offense can put twenty points on the board. Can Washington match that? Not without the help of turnovers or a bomb to Santana Moss. They won't get that against the rested, home-standing Seahawks. Alexander is held in check, but Matt Hasselbeck throws for two touchdowns.

Seattle wins, 24-13.

New England @ Denver

If the Patriots are to defend their two Super Bowl wins, they'll have to go through Denver to do so.

"If we go through Denver," says Tom Brady, "and take a left at Indianapolis, that should lead us straight to Detroit for the Super Bowl. Unlike all the other teams remaining in the playoffs, we don't need directions to get there."

The injury-plagued Patriots lost 28-20 in Week 6 to the Broncos in Denver. The Broncos rushed for 178 yards in that game. That loss left the Patriots with a 3-3 record. The Broncos got 114 yards from Tatum Bell and 57 yards from Mike Anderson in rushing for 178 yards. Anderson rushed for 1,014 yards on the year, adding another 1,000-yard rush season to Mike Shanahan's resume, while Bell just missed 1,000 by 79 yards.

"Pimping ain't easy," explains Shanahan, "especially when you're pimpin' thousand-yard rushers. Tatum didn't quite make it, so he just might get a pimp slap. We know the Patriots will try to stop our running game. If they do, I feel supremely confident that John Elway, I mean, Jake Plummer, can pick up the slack and lead us to victory."

Quarterbacks may very well decide the outcome of this game. If that's the case, who would you rather have on your side, Brady or Plummer? Brady has 10 consecutive playoff wins, while Plummer is 1-3 in his playoff career. And that one win came with the Arizona Cardinals.

"Arizona made the playoffs? Has Plummer been growing that beard since that last playoff win?" asks Belichick. "He's awfully scraggly-looking. Is that poor guy homeless? I'd gladly hand Jake some change on the street, but I surely wouldn't hand him the ball with a trip to the AFC championship on the line. Besides, Brady's just as handy trimming his beard as he is carving up defenses."

Back in Week 6, the Patriots weren't even taking playoffs. Now, they're talking Super Bowl and they're talking dynasty, not Dynasty as in a Joan Collins/Linda Evans catfight (although that would make a great Super Bowl half time spectacle). The Pats are talking three-straight Super Bowls and four of the last five. Now that's a dynasty.

So, when the Patriots take over on their own 18-yard line with 2:09 remaining in the game and the score tied 20-20, Brady has three things on his mind: 1) the Patriots' dynasty, 2) advancing into field goal range, and 3) leading his team on a signature "drive" on the turf of the quarterback who made "The Drive" famous. Brady leads the Pats to the Denver 27-yard line, where Adam Vinatieri, whose right foot is more lethal than Marcus Vick's, nails the game-winning 44-yard field goal.

As Brady leaves the field, he makes eye contact with Elway on the Bronco sideline. Elway winks at Brady, tosses him a Coors Light, and hands him a flaming torch. Brady, oblivious to the symbolism of "passing the torch," grabs the torch and heads toward Turin, Italy to light the Olympic flame for the XX Winter Games.

New England wins, 23-20.

Pittsburgh @ Indianapolis

There's a metallic theme for the Colts this week as they prepare for their first meaningful game in about five weeks. Can the Colts forge another win over the Men of Steel, as they did in Week 12's 26-7 win over Pittsburgh? Or, will Indy's well-oiled machine fall victim to possible rust induced by resting starters for the last month?

"What are you, a blacksmith?" asks Pittsburgh coach Bill Cowher. "If so, how about putting some leaden horseshoes on a few select Colts, namely Marvin Harrison, Edgerrin James, and Reggie Wayne. And chain your anvil to the foot of Peyton Manning, will you? Some blinders on the eyes and a feed bag over the mouth would add a nice touch, as well. If you do all that, and the Colts come out flat from their bye month, then I like our chances."

The Colts clichéd home-field advantage throughout the playoffs way back on December 11th. Since then, they've done very little, except develop a new-found disdain for practice, as well as making thumb-twiddling an art form.

"You've heard of the term 'stir crazy,' haven't you?" asks Indy wide receiver Marvin Harrison.

Oh yes, Marvin. A great movie. Anytime you pair two comic masterminds like Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder, the laughs just don't stop.

"True. But I wasn't talking about the movie," says Harrison. "I mean we're 'stir crazy,' as in bored as heck. We miss life in the fast lane, surely make you lose your mind. If a miracle should happen and Pittsburgh wins this game, then the notion of clinching home-field advantage early will be questioned forever."

"Okay, it's my turn to bitch about something," says Manning. "Everyone places so much importance on having the playoff bye week. Well, we got it weeks ago, but now everyone thinks we've had too much time off. But the bye week is secondary to home-field throughout. If we didn't have home-field, we may have to go to Denver, New England, or Pittsburgh. It's chilly in those places. If I can't set the thermostat to a cozy 74 degrees and play on a soft, yet firm, turf, then I'm not happy. 'Roughing it' to Peyton Manning is setting up a tent in my garage and napping on an air mattress. If I even hear about snow in New England, I wet my pants."

In their Week 12 loss to the Colts, the Steelers were burned for an 80-yard touchdown pass on the Colts' first play from scrimmage. Last week, Carson Palmer hit Chris Henry for a 66-yard completion on the Cincinnati's second play from scrimmage. Pittsburgh must prevent the big play, and on offense, they must create some big plays of their own.

"We've got just the plan for that," says Cowher. "You saw our direct snap to Antwaan Randle El, who lateralled to Ben Roethlisberger, who then passed to Cedric Wilson for a touchdown. I've got something else up my sleeve for the Colts."

What? Your arm?

"No, something even more diabolical," says Cowher. "I call it 'The Immaculate Deception.' I can't reveal any details, but we'll run it on the first play of our first possession in the second quarter."

The Colts aren't fooled. It takes awhile for the Indy offense to rebound from their inactivity (one possession), but Manning hits Reggie Wayne with a 23-yard TD pass on their second possession. Edgerrin James rushes for 105 yards, and the Colts never look back.

Indianapolis wins, 27-16.

Carolina @ Chicago

Meow! The Panthers made cats proud everywhere, as they were the only team with a mascot of the feline persuasion to advance to the divisional round of the playoffs. The Panthers advanced with a methodical 23-0 dismantling of the Giants, while the Jaguars and Bengals fell in the AFC. Steve Smith scored two touchdowns against the Giants, and will lead the Panthers to Chicago, where Carolina was whipped 13-3 by the Bears in week eleven.

"That was then, this is now," says Smith, who had 14 catches for 169 yards against the Bears in November. "I think I was the only one who got off the bus at Soldier Field that day. You'd have thought we were playing the 1985 Bears. Gosh, in 1985, I was dominating, and sometimes getting ejected from, Pop Warner league games. Anyway, that Week 11 game meant nothing. This one does.

"I see the Bears have been talking a little trash. Defensive end Adewale Ogunleye has said we don't deserve any hype. Last week, Giants' defensive end Oso Umenyiora had some choice words before we whipped New York. What's the deal? Are defensive ends with way too many vowels in their names the only ones that can talk trash? Don't they realize there's no more room for material on the Panthers' bulletin board. Between pictures of me scoring and pictures of our cheerleaders 'scoring,' that bulletin board is full."

In their 13-3 win, the Bears sacked Jake Delhomme eight times, and held the Panthers to 55 yards rushing. Kyle Orton was under center for the Bears then — he's been kicked to the curb in favor of Rex Grossman, who has a stronger arm, but has only started seven games in his career.

"We like Rex's ability to throw the ball downfield," says Chicago coach Lovie Smith. "Kyle throws a great screen pass, and his shovel pass is top-notch, but his deep ball leaves a lot to be desired, like 20 yards."

This game will be a battle of defense, field position, conservative play calling, and turnovers. Both defenses will contain the opposition's running attacks. That will leave much of the game in the hands of the respective quarterbacks. It's not a question of which quarterback will do more, but which will be asked to do less. Give Carolina the edge here; Delhomme has Smith as a target, and often, Smith makes big plays out of simple passes. Of course, a big play in this game may simply be a 20-yard gain, or a defensive touchdown. The Bears, meanwhile, are certainly capable of the defensive touchdown.

This is a tough game to call. One play may make the difference. And that play will likely be made by one of the playmakers. And, since Carolina's playmaker, Smith, plays on offense, I give the edge to the Panthers. Chicago's playmakers are on defense, and they could go the entire game without touching the ball. And you can't score without the ball.

Carolina wins, 13-9.