It truly was a wild weekend of sports. Little did I know how wild it was going to be or that it would end with me making my first foray into black magic.
Let me explain. On Sunday, like many other loyal Cincinnatians, I was dressed head-to-toe in my orange and black. The 15-year playoff drought was over and it was a day of celebration for Bengals fans everywhere. I even broke out my Jungle Towel for the first time since the day I purchased it (I banished it at the end of the 2003 season when we narrowly missed the playoffs, vowing that it wouldn't return until we were in the playoffs). If we were going to go down to Pittsburgh, so be it, but it wouldn't be without a fight.
Then, on the second play of the game, it's over. Just like that, after building for months and months (actually, years and years), it's just over without even really getting started. That only isn't fair, it is garbage. I simply refuse to let things go down this way, so I decided to take a page out of Hammurabi's book and extract my revenge on Pittsburgh. There was only one way to get even and that required a turn to the dark side.
I made my jump to the dark side, without any prompting from my father, by securing a copy of the "Sports Fan Voodoo Kit" by Voodini. (Seriously, if you name your kid Voodini, you have to assume he's going to be involved with some sort of Voodoo. I think, by this law, I will end up naming my kid "Reallyrichstockbroker" just to see if it works.) It seemed like a simple concept and easy recipe for revenge — "Take charge of the game with Voodoo!"
Of course, if my Voodoo skills were going to be in top form for Pittsburgh's tilt with Indy this weekend, I had to have a little tune-up. No one can just pick up a dummy and start poking it and expect it go smoothly (unless your name is Ron Mexico), so I was determined to pickup a few tricks to help down the Steelers. That tune-up was the Cincinnati/UConn college basketball game.
Now, I have to confess, I have another reason for getting involved in black magic (as if anyone needed a reason). This Thursday is the debut of my new picks column. That's right, Sports Gospel part deux, back by unpopular demand. It's not going to be one of those boring "here are some big games and my useless two cents" columns, and that is mainly because I'm not restricting myself to big games.
I don't really know exactly at how it will unfold or evolve, but it will mainly involve me picking games or props that, if copied, will make you look like a genius. It doesn't matter if you are wagering money (via BetOnSports.com of course, which will be giving you loyal readers a variety of bonuses over the coming weeks), bits of string, or just favors among friends (I'm not here to judge you) — I will give you a surefire way to win, either betting with me or against me. I guess time will tell in that regard.
I figured that if I was going to do a picks column that I would have to start with some momentum and that there was only one surefire way to guarantee victory. And that is the second reason for my first foray into black magic. I took UConn -9 at home against Cincinnati and, after briefly studying my Voodoo dummy and taking out one of the needles, settled in for tipoff. The following is a blow-by-blow account of how game one of the Sports Fan Voodoo era went down.
I started by just watching the first five minutes of the game. Things weren't going well for UConn as the Bearcats and Huskies were tied at 10 and Cincinnati was looking ready to start a run. I was having none of that. As the Huskies went down the court, I stuck the needle square in the "score" part of the UConn side. UConn scored. As the Bearcats went down the court, I put it square on the "miss it" area. Cincinnati missed it. I went through this again with the same results, only this time UC turned the ball over with their offensive possession.
Feeling smug, I decided to step outside the simple realm of miss-its and scores and started pinning the "homecourt advantage" area of the UConn side. The crowd erupted (not really) only for UC to promptly knock down a three. The Bearcats would get a block, run down the court, and hit another shot, despite the fact that I was now furiously stabbing the "miss it" area of the dummy. Nevertheless, as UConn called a timeout, I figured it was time to give the Huskies a pep talk.
This seemed simple enough as the book said all I had to do was pin the "pep talk" area of the dummy and then whisper my words of encouragement into the dummy's ear. I didn't know exactly what to say to fire up my team given it was the first pep talk I had ever given at the college D-I level, but I merely gave them a:
"Boys, it is time to get going. Look at the team on the other bench. It's freaking Cincinnati, the same team that lost to Dayton. They are garbage and suck as basketball almost as much as the suck at the game of life. And by game of life I mean actually living life, not just sucking at a board game. Then again, I know a few of you were caught for stealing laptops. But as I like to say, you never get caught on your first time doing something, so you guys are much better at hiding your indiscretions than the Bearcats and that, gentlemen, is why we deserve to win this game."
This spurred my team to promptly take a two-point lead and from that point until halftime I stayed strictly back in the "miss-it" and "score!" areas. I led UConn to a marginal five-point lead at half, still under what I needed to cover. It was in the second half when I came into a league of my own, however.
Second half highlights:
1. Jihad Muhammad — I have never seen Sports Fan Voodoo work as it did against him. Every time I hit the "miss-it" against him, I was rewarded with a brick from Jihad. The official count for the night was Me: 6, Jihad: 0. The Voodoo must have some lasting effects, though, as Jihad kept missing shots without my help and finished at 0-9.
2. Hilton Armstrong's monster dunk for the Huskies came shortly after I pinned the "slam dunk!" area, which qualified for the freakiest moment of the game since the rest of my Voodoo was fairly simplistic and general.
3. UConn built a double-digit lead on my "miss-it" and "score!/it's good!" strategy (I switched to "it's good!" in the second half because I think the score area is for hockey ... whatever).
4. With UConn up 11 with under a minute to go, they sent UC superfrosh Devan Downey to the line for a one-for-one. I pinned the weak knees area of the UC side, Downey missed his free throw, and then UConn covered with an 11-point win.
At the end of the day, my first experiment with black magic didn't end all that poorly. However, I'm still left with all sorts of ethical questions, including, "ifs it wrong to use Voodoo to influence a college game?" and, "what kind of a person would actually use black magic to win a bet?" Another question would be, "what happens when I come up against a team that has a fan who also owns a Sports Fan Voodoo kit?" I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there, but for now, I am thankful that there aren't too many sports fans who read Harry Potter.
Screw the ethical questions, remember this: I am 1-0 when using black magic to influence games and Pittsburgh, I'm coming for you.
The Sports Gospel According to Mark is sponsored by BetOnSports.com. BetOnSports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on. Wager on football, cricket, boxing, Rugby, horse racing, and more. Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].
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