NFL Weekly Predictions: Wildcard Round

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Washington @ Tampa Bay

Can Saturday's wildcard game between the Redskins and Bucs match Week 10's 36-35 Tampa victory for excitement?

"Sure, we can match it as far as excitement is concerned," says Redskins coach Joe Gibbs. "Now, if you're talking incompetence by the officials, this game will come nowhere near that which was displayed in the first game. It's simple: to win this game, we've got to keep Mike Alstott out of the end zone, especially on game-winning two-point conversion attempts. I thought we had done that in the first game, but unfortunately, the NFL employs several vision-impaired officials, and they all were at that fateful game."

Alstott rushed for only 21 yards back on November 13th, but among those 21 yards were two short touchdown runs. And the aforementioned game-winning two-point conversion came from one yard out after the Redskins were called for an off-sides penalty while blocking the extra point attempt. Again, Alstott will see short-yardage duty Saturday, but the bulk of the Bucs' carries will go to Cadillac Williams.

Washington will counter with Clinton Portis, who rushed for 144 yards and one touchdown versus Tampa in Week 10.

"I get my yards the old-fashioned way," Portis says. "I earn them. And my momma takes care of obnoxious, beer-throwing fans the old-fashioned way: she punches them in the face."

Last week in Philadelphia, Portis' mother, Rhonnel Hearn, punch a female Eagles fan in the face after the fan tossed a beer at Hearn.

"Oh no," explains Hearn. "It wasn't a beer thrown at me. Some crazy lady was trying to force some Chunky Soup down my throat. When I refused, she threw some hot chowder on me. So, I dropped her with a meat hook to the left cheek. I didn't get a good look at her, but she was wearing a No. 5 Donovan McNabb jersey."

Finally, someone put an end to the nuisance that is Edna McNabb. Football players don't eat Chunky Soup. Well, maybe David Akers does, but no other Eagles do.

"Let that be a lesson to any Tampa fans that may feel froggy towards Portis' mother," says Bucs coach John Gruden. "She will be in the stands. Do not, I repeat, do not mess with her. If you have a problem with Rhonnell Hearn, take care of it like any respectable lady in Tampa would do: it a bathroom stall at Banana Joe's. Thank you."

This is an evenly-matched game, and the Redskins and Bucs have many similarities. They are both quarterbacked by steady if not spectacular left-handers, Mark Brunell and Chris Simms, often made better by lighting-fast receivers, Santana Moss and Joey Galloway. They both have shifty and powerful backs in Portis and Cadillac Williams. Both teams sport top-10 defenses. And both are coached by former Super Bowl winners with the initials "J.G." Will any of this have any bearing on the outcome? Probably not, but you have to give the Bucs credit for having a pirate ship in their end zone. And Chris Simms will be riding the high of a Texas national championship.

Simms throws for 180 yards and two touchdowns, and Tampa's top-ranked defense forces three turnovers.

Bucs win, 22-17.

Jacksonville @ New England

Was it me, or did it seem that the Patriots and Bengals weren't trying too hard to secure the number three AFC seed? A win by the Pats last Sunday, along with Cincinnati's 37-3 loss in Kansas City, would have earned them the three seed and a first-round matchup against the Steelers. Instead, New England chose to rest several starters and lost 26-24 to the Dolphins, thus taking the four-seed and a wildcard game against the Jaguars, not the Steelers. Sounds like they wanted to play the Jaguars. That's blatant disrespect to your team, Jack Del Rio.

"We're not gonna take it!" replies Del Rio. "No! We ain't gonna take it! Oh, we're not gonna take it anymore! Oh, you're so condescending — your gall is never-ending. We don't want nothin', not a thing from you. Your life is trite and jaded, boring and confiscated if that's your best, your best won't do."

"Dang! Did Del Rio just go Twisted Sister on me?" asks Patriots coach Bill Belichick. "Well, he gives me no option but to go Quiet Riot, or, better yet, Winger on his tail. Del Rio, you're 'headed for a heartbreak.' How about this, J.D.R? You'll only score 17!"

"Wow, Belichick," replies Del Rio. "I didn't take you for a metal fan. But it's no surprise that you're fond of the music by a band fronted by a man named Kip."

"Bang your head! Metal health'll drive you mad," Belichick returns. "I'll 'warrant' you this, Jack. We will 'slaughter' you, and your 'Cinderella' story will come to an end, leaving you on 'skid row.'"

While the two esteemed coaches reminisce about 1980s hair metal, I'll talk football. Quarterbacks Tom Brady and Byron Leftwich have recently lobbied in the media, proclaiming their respective teams the most disrespected. Disrespected? Come on, Tom. The Patriots, disrespected? Everybody respects the Patriots. You're eight-point favorites over a Jacksonville team with a better record. The Jags lost two games to the Colts by a combined margin of 15 points. You and your Patriots played the Colts once and lost by 19 points. I don't hear the Jaguars remotely mentioned as being a threat to the Colts.

However, a lot of observers think New England can challenge the Colts. That's respect, especially since a win over the Colts would have to be in Indianapolis over a completely rested Indy squad. You lost to them by nineteen in New England. If you weren't respected a great deal, no one would give you a chance in that game. And look at me! I'm giving you respect. I've already got the Pats advancing to the second round.

As for you, Leftwich, you do have a point. Jacksonville isn't getting a whole lot of respect. Beat the Pats, and your problem is solved. But talk about not getting respect. Look at your teammate, David Garrard. In your absence due to an ankle injury, he's led the Jags to a 5-1 record.

"And I respect him for that," says Leftwich.

Apparently, your coach doesn't. You're getting the start and Garrard's getting the shaft. And I bet the Patriots will be happy to see a quarterback who has no chance of escaping their rush. Sure, maybe you can throw the ball a little further, but at least Garrard's got two good wheels. So stop your whining about lack of respect. And tell your offensive lineman they might have to carry you down the field if you re-injure that ankle.

Jacksonville is entering the playoff "land of certain death," Gillette Stadium for a playoff game. The Patriots have won nine-straight there since 1998, although the last team to beat them in the playoffs in New England was Jacksonville. If Tom Brady thinks the Patriots are being disrespected, then, by golly, he'll go out and get them some. Brady throws for two touchdowns, and New England keys its defense around forcing Leftwich to move in the pocket, which he can't.

New England wins, 24-13.

With the game firmly in hand in the fourth quarter, Belichick sends in Doug Flutie to run the "Statue of Liberty" play.

Carolina @ New York Giants

What was Week 17's most lasting image? Shaun Alexander breaking Priest Holmes' touchdown record? The ovation for Brett Favre at Lambeau Field? Joe Gibbs leading the Redskins to a win in Philly and a playoff berth? Mike Tice getting fired before he could shake Lovie Smith's hand at midfield? Randy Moss pulling the lever and seeing Norv Turner fall through a trap door in his office?

"You call those 'lasting images?'" says Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme. "Lasting images, my ass!"

That's right, Jake. In a weekend of memorable moments, the most replayed of those moments was you tearing the seat of your pants in Atlanta and exposing your left buttocks.

"Exposure's the name of the game," says Panthers head coach John Fox. "Especially in the Panthers' organization. Unfortunately for us all, Jake reveals himself on national television, while our two naughty cheerleaders choose to get freaky in a bathroom stall, which, sadly, was non-televised. Why, oh why couldn't Jake have been in the bathroom stall? Is there no justice in this world?"

"Luckily," says Delhomme, "we're in New York. I can head right over to the Garment District and have my pants professionally-repaired, should I have another wardrobe malfunction. If I find out that Justin Timberlake had anything to do with this, heads will roll."

The Giants remained fully-clothed in last Saturday's 30-21 win in Oakland. Tiki Barber scored on a 95-yard touchdown run, on his way to 203 yards rushing, to lead the Giants to victory, which secured the NFC East crown. If the Giants are to make a Super Bowl run, Barber will have to lead them there.

"Can you imagine a Manning versus Manning Super Bowl?" asks Giants quarterack Eli Manning.

Yes, I can imagine it. I can also imagine a Kyle Orton/Kyle Boller Super Bowl, and a Josh McCown/David Carr Super Bowl, or a Burt Reynolds/Adam Sandler Super Bowl. I think you'd be more likely to see King Kong climbing the Empire State Building before you'd see a Manning versus Manning Super Bowl.

"Hey, I saw that," says Eli Manning, "in the theater. I got into a PG-13 movie without having my ID checked."

The rushing attacks of the Panthers and Giants will be the keys to the games. Carolina's DeShaun Foster rushed for 165 yards last week at Atlanta, only the second time a Panther had rushed for over 100 this year. Barber, on the other hand, rushed for over 200 yards three times this year. That explosiveness should give the Giants the edge, and home-field advantage (the Giants were 8-1 at the Meadowlands this year) doesn't hurt.

New York wins, 24-21.

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

It's the rubber match between the Steelers and the Bengals, and in the previous two meetings, the visiting team won. In week seven in Cincinnati, the Steelers won 27-13. At Heinz Field on December 4th, the Bengals struck back with a 38-31 win. Does that give the visiting Steelers the edge in this game?

"I don't know about that," says Pittsburgh head coach Bill Cowher. "Hey, I'm just happy to have a job. Head coaches were dropping like passes to Lions' receivers, especially those named Mike. Anyway, I do know this: we're road tested. We're 6-2 on the road. The last time I checked, the turf at Paul Brown Stadium is green, just like it is in every stadium with turf. Show me some green, and we'll run on it."

"Show me some green, and I'll place a bet with it," says former Cincinnati Reds great Pete Rose, dropping five large on the Bengals to cover, as well as one grand that no rappers will be shot in the month of February. And $500 that Lynn Swann will be elected governor of Pennsylvania.

The Steelers clinched a playoff spot last week with a 35-21 win over Detroit, rushing 44 times for 221 yards in doing so. Willie Parker had 135 of those yards, while Jerome Bettis scored on three short rushing touchdowns.

"That's our story and we're sticking to it," says Bettis. "We call it 'Fast Willie and the Bus.'"

Doesn't that air on ABC at eight o'clock, followed by Sanford and Son at nine and Chico and the Man at 10?

The Bengals counter with Palmer and Johnson, Carson and Chad, which sounds like two roommates in a Sigma Chi fraternity house, but is actually one of the most feared passing connections in the NFL. In the two games against the Steelers, Johnson did not catch a touchdown pass.

"That will change on Sunday," says Johnson. "Scoring a touchdown is secondary to the celebration I have planned for the end zone. Should I score, I will reveal a magic lantern, rub it, and be granted three wishes, which I will parlay in to three wins, which will put us in the Super Bowl."

"I'll make sure Chad gets a touchdown," says Palmer. "Heck, Joey Harrington threw for three scores against the Steeler defense last Sunday. I'm slightly better than Harrington, aren't I? After all, I'm from USC. I've played in the Rose Bowl. What has Ben Roethlisberger played in? The Motor City Bowl?"

"Hey, Carson," replies Roethlisberger. "I've lost more AFC Championships than you've played playoff games."

The Steelers dominated time of possession in both previous games, and won in Cincy thanks to a 221-to-91 yard edge in rushing. The Bengals out-rushed the Steelers in Pittsburgh 102-to-95. The moral is not "team that rushes for more yards wins." But, to have a chance, the Bengals cannot allow the Steelers a big rushing game, and they must score first, deny the Steelers the lead, force the pass, and create turnovers. And that's easier said than done. Bettis and Parker are healthy, and their contrasting styles will frustrate the Cincy defense.

Steelers win, 26-21.