Can Anybody Spare $104.50?

Should you suddenly have a wealthy relative die, invent the next generation of Velcro, or discover oil on your property, you might, with some careful financial planning and a little scrimping here and there, be able to afford to attend an NBA game in person. That's right! You and your friends, stationed just three tiers of seats away from your favorite stars, will get a live visual account of the contest.

Of course, the action you're seeing at this moment is actually a couple minutes old, because, well, light only travels so fast. And don't hold your breath on the sound — that upper bowl might as well have a different zip code.

Yeah, the NBA may want you to "love this game," but if you also love to eat and stay out of debt, $54 for your average game ticket is likely a bit of a stretch. And that's before you spring for nachos and a beer.

Oh, you want to bring a friend?

As any NBA fan knows, the Association cares about its image like a Victoria's Secret model cares about her weight. David Stern's dress code at the beginning of the season was the latest in a long line of strategies to get paying customers into the arena.

I don't know about you, but Kobe Bryant can show up to the Staples Center in a red wig and floppy shoes for all I care. If a ticket in Section 1530, a hot dog, and parking have me dropping a quick hundred, FOX Sports Net starts to look pretty good.

Here's a little test. The next time you find yourself not paying $150 to enjoy your favorite team in person, check out the stands and see if you can find somebody under 18 sitting where they don't need an oxygen tank and a backup parachute. Frankie Muniz from FOX's "Malcolm in the Middle" doesn't count, cheaters. And those are Clippers games — they don't count, either.

Hey, Commissioner, you want to know why you need a dress code? The folks that liked the thug image aren't wild about spending this month's paycheck to hang from the rafters for two-and-a-half hours.

This isn't the NFL, where $4 billion per year in TV revenue will pretty much keep the lights on for most franchises whether the fannies are in the seats or not. With 41 home dates to sell each season, it's good to see the Sacramento Kings charging their fans an extra 4.4 percent this year after being thumped by Seattle SuperSonics in the first round of the 2005 playoffs.

Just think what will happen after this season if they continue to monopolize the Pacific Division cellar: instead of a halftime show where fans scramble to grab cash, the ushers will walk through the aisles and empty your pockets.

Are they trying? Sure. Most teams offer multi-game packages or discounts for groups, which is great if you can round up 150 of your closest friends and convince them that they'd be better off giving the rent money to the Lakers this month. Heck, if you order the jumbo dog, you can cut it in half and share it with your neighbor for a measly $4 apiece.

As a league that relies on attendance and support from its youngest demographic, the NBA is doing its best to price its fans right out of the market. Most kids have a better chance of getting courtside as players than as fans.

But then again, what's the big deal, anyway? All those empty seats in the lower bowl, reserved for tax write-off fans who never show, have a certain charm all their own, don't they? Sure, the opposing team knows how to withstand relentless heckling from diehard season ticket holders, but how will they respond to silence?

Jack up the prices a little higher, and see how they react to playing in an empty gym. Just think of the savings! You could play the games at the YMCA down the street! No need to build these pesky arenas!

For you, Loyal NBA Fan, a word of advice:

Saving up for that season ticket package? Go with the flat-screen TV instead — the picture's out of this world, and that $7 buys a lot more beer in the cans.