NFL Weekly Predictions: Week 17

Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.

Denver @ San Diego

Although Denver has nothing to gain with a win, and the Chargers have been eliminated from the playoffs, both teams somewhat hold the fate of a division rival in their palms. To clinch a playoff spot, the Chiefs need the Chargers to lose, in addition to a Pittsburgh loss.

"Gosh, I wish we could help," says Denver coach Mike Shanahan. "But since a win can't help our cause, I see no reason to win. When it comes to helping out teams in the AFC West, I'm a selfish S.O.B. Do you think I sent the Raiders a Christmas card? Well, actually I did, to congratulate them on a fine year. I also included a picture of mistletoe, hovering over my rear end. I don't despise the Chiefs as much as I do the Raiders, but I surely won't help them in any way get into the playoffs. We have the number two seed locked up. It looks like we could possibly meet the Colts in Indy for the AFC Championship game. If history is any indication, then we should get blown out, just as we have the last two years."

After last week's loss at Kansas City eliminated them from playoff contention, San Diego may arguably be the best team not to make the playoffs.

"Don't we get something for that?" asks Chargers head coach Marty Schottenheimer.

Well, Marty, you'll get a handshake, a pat on the back, and if you open a box of Cracker Jacks, you'll get a prize worthy of a team that just couldn't win the big one.

This isn't a 'big one,' so San Diego wins, 27-17.

N.Y. Giants @ Oakland

It's simple for the Giants: win, and they are NFC East champions. Lose, and they can still be NFC East champions, as long as the Redskins lose.

"Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!" says Giants quarterback Eli Manning.

What's that?

"That's us backing into the playoffs," replies Manning. "Even though we lost last week, we're already in the playoffs! Now, if we lose to the Raiders and the 'Skins lose to the Eagles, we'd still be division champs. Life is great when you're losing!"

Barring a huge letdown, the Giants should handle the Raiders and claim the division crown. Oakland's quarterbacking has been shoddy, and running back Lamont Jordan has a case of turf toe, while Randy Moss is still woozy after getting jacked up by Denver's Al Wilson last week.

"Man, I got popped," says Moss. "But at least I made the highlights, even though it was Tom Jackson's 'Jacked Up!' And I thought smelling salts were only used for recreational purposes. Those things really hit the spot. I bet with a little hot sauce on 'em, they would taste even better than they smell."

Surprisingly, the Raiders have beaten the two other NFC East teams vying for the playoffs. But, the Giants won't fold like cheap rolling paper when it counts. Tiki Barber rushes for 150 yards and a touchdown, and Manning throws for 240 and two scores.

New York wins, 27-13.

Arizona @ Indianapolis

Ideally, the Colts would like to use this game as a tune up to a playoff run and a Super Bowl title.

"We sure would," says Peyton Manning, "but since it's the Cardinals, it's only fitting that we use this game as a tune up to a bye week. That means a lot of time on the bench for me. And I'll use that time to celebrate my selection as 2005's Most Well-Mannered Person, as selected by the National League of Junior Cotillions. If those bastards think I'm going to thank them for that, then they apparently ... oops! Was that out loud? Where are my manners?"

The Colts placed seven players in the Pro Bowl, eight if you count offensive lineman Tarik Glenn. The NFL originally told Glenn that he made the team, only to find out later that an error in calculation led to his inclusion.

"What's up with that?" asks Glenn. "Is MTV's Punk'd in charge of officially counting votes? Well, I'm piss'd, and somebody might get slapp'd. That's like telling a 330-pound lineman you're going to buy him a meal, then you don't. Or that you're going to send him to Honolulu free of charge, then you don't."

It is wrong that the Indianapolis offensive line, which led the way for 1,500 yards from Edgerrin James, and only allowed Peyton Manning to be sacked 16 times, has only one representative, center Jeff Saturday, on the Pro Bowl roster. So, I'm going to do something about. Tarik Glenn, I'm sending you to Hawaii courtesy of Manning and James. Enjoy. And heed this advice from Randy Moss while on the islands: "Grass skirts are made for wearing, not smoking."

Indianapolis breaks their two-game losing streak with a 27-21 win over the Cardinals.

Baltimore @ Cleveland

What happens when the irresistible force meets the immovable object?

"You mean like when Bill Belichick's wardrobe meets a fashion consultant?" says Browns coach Romeo Crenel. "Technically, nothing happens. But I can tell you all about the immovable object. That would be our offense, which scored a grand total of zero points last week against the Steelers. Luckily, there is no 'skunk rule' in football."

The Browns are 0-5 in divisional games, and will host the Ravens, who are 0-7 on the road. Something has to give, but will anyone be watching?

"Oh yes," says Ravens coach Brian Billick. "There will be a captive audience. And when I say 'captive audience,' I mean you would actually have to hold people captive to make them watch this. What are your other options? A few silly NFC games with tons of playoff implications? Or competition paint drying on ESPN 8, or 'The Ocho' as it's known to fans of Dodgeball: The Movie? Look, you guys need to check out my resurgent quarterback, Kyle Boller. He's thrown for 542 yards and six touchdowns in his last two games. That was just in time to save both our jobs, but about thirteen games too late to get him in the Pro Bowl."

Boller throws two TDs to his favorite target, Todd Heap, and the Ravens defense sacks Charlie Frye four times.

Ravens win, 20-9.

Buffalo @ N.Y. Jets

Last week, the Jets lost 31-21 to the Patriots on the final ABC broadcast of Monday Night Football in front of a mostly sober Meadowlands crowd. The Jets also lost 31-21 in the first broadcast of MNF 35 years ago.

"I think I was under center for the Jets in that one," says retiring Jets quarterback Vinny Testaverde. "I was backing up a kid named Joe Namath, who is probably the only man in the world who makes me look fast."

Obviously, Testaverde is delusional in his old age, but he can still toss the pill. With his TD pass to Laveranues Coles, Testaverde became the only player with a TD pass in 19 consecutive years. He, along with receiver Wayne Chrebet, will issue a fond farewell to the New York fans.

"Vinny and I have left a lot of memories out there on the Meadowlands turf," recalls Chrebet, fondly, "mostly from several of the concussions we've suffered on the concrete playing surface. I just hope they sell alcohol Sunday. If the stadium wants to curb unruly and violent fan behavior, then denying New Yorkers alcohol on New Year's Eve is not the way to do it."

Buffalo upset the Bengals 37-27 last week to pick up their first road win of the year, and a win that may have saved the job of head coach Mike Mularkey.

"Coach Mularkey used that as a motivational tool," says Bills receiver Eric Moulds. "He said if we don't win, he could be fired. Well, we won anyway."

In any case, it was a merry Christmas for the Bills, even for running back Willis McGahee, who got from Santa what he can't get from his offensive line.

"Blocks!" says McGahee. "Look, I can stack them. I can even spell 'TD' with these two. Thanks, Santa! Hey, Kris Kringle. You're a pretty good-sized fellow. Ever though about playing guard or tackle?"

Buffalo makes it two in a row on the road with a 22-17 win over the Jets.

Carolina @ Atlanta

"Correct me if I'm wrong," says Panthers head coach John Fox, "but isn't it legal to run into the kicker if the kicked ball has already been deflected? And did my guys even 'run into' Dallas' kicker. I think it was more like he tripped over them. I want answers!"

Okay, coach. Here's an official statement from the NFL: "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you get screwed."

Here's an official statement from the Panthers Julius Peppers: "That ball hit me so hard, it left a 'Wilson' imprint on my side."

The Panthers thought they had blocked Billy Cundiff's potential game-winning kick, but a penalty for roughing the kicker gave Dallas a first down, and the Cowboys scored the go-ahead touchdown three plays later. The Panthers played much of the second half without receiver Steve Smith, who was ejected in the third quarter for grabbing an official.

"Man, that official overreacted," explains Smith. "I've grabbed women in much the same way and ended up dancing with them. Not once was I ejected. And they were all a lot prettier than he was. Some of them even cost me more than the $15,000 the NFL fined me. I guarantee you I won't touch an official next week, although I may 'accidentally' bump into one while running a pattern."

Atlanta's Jim Mora had an emotional outburst of his own last Sunday, storming away from a sideline interview after tossing his headset following Atlanta's 27-24 overtime loss at Tampa.

"Never question a coach's play calling," says Mora, "especially after an overtime loss in which his kicker missed a 28-yard field goal to win the game. That makes me irate. Other than that, I'm a bundle of joy. Now, if you ask me about the playoffs, you're likely to get a famous sound bite made famous by my father, and you're also likely to get a set of headphones shoved so far up your behind that you'll be familiar with the taste of Motorola for weeks to come."

The Panthers and Falcons will both be playing angry, but at least the Panthers have something for which to play. They don't want to miss the playoffs for the second straight year by losing in the final week. Steve Smith keeps his hands off of officials and puts his feet in the end zone for two touchdowns.

Panthers win, 25-20.

In a post-game press conference, Smith and Mora announce that they will headline the second stage on 2006's The Anger Management Tour 4, set to explode this summer at an arena near you.

Cincinnati @ Kansas City

The Bengals blew any chance of capturing the number two playoff seed with a 37-27 loss at home against the Bills, and could drop to the number four seed with a loss and a New England win. Cincinnati was burned by two Terrence McGee touchdowns, one on a kickoff return and the other on an interception return, and didn't force a Buffalo punt all day.

"Don't look at me," says Bengals receiver Chad Johnson. "I scored a touchdown and I tossed gifts to the fans. Chad Johnson is all about good tidings. Now, I don't play on the kickoff coverage team, nor do I throw passes, so I was helpless to stop McGee, also known as 'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.'"

The Chiefs kept their faint playoff hopes alive with a win over the Chargers last Sunday. Now, a win over the Bengals, along with Pittsburgh and San Diego losses, would give the Chiefs the final wildcard berth.

"I know it doesn't look promising for us," says Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil, "but we'll go out there Sunday and give it our all. And we'll say a prayer for the Broncos and Lions, whom we need to win. Two things are for sure: at the end of the day, I'll be bawling, and you won't get a straight answer if you ask me about retirement."

If Larry Johnson can break 100 yards against the Chargers' number one-ranked rushing defense, as he did last week, then he should rush for about 300 against the Bengals. But, he stops at 160, and the Chiefs win, 28-17.

Detroit @ Pittsburgh

The Lions snapped a five-game losing streak with their dramatic 13-12 win over the Saints last week as Jason Hanson kicked the game-winner as time expired.

"It's great to end that five-game losing streak," says Lions quarterback Joey Harrington. "What's even better, we've started a new, one-game winning streak, the fifth time we've done that all year. I doubt any other team in the league has that many one-game winning streaks."

Of all the teams yet to qualify for the playoffs, the Steelers may have the easiest route. All it takes is a win or tie against the 5-10 Lions. Or a Kansas City loss or tie. Or a San Diego win.

"Options are cool," says Steelers coach Bill Cowher. "I think we should play it safe and just beat the Lions. But we can't take them lightly. Well, we can, and we probably will, but we'll disguise it well. Like Harrington said earlier, Detroit is riding a one-game winning streak, and their kicking game is on fire. We know Detroit will give us their best shot, so we better bring our C game at worst."

Pittsburgh has won three in a row, the last two by a combined score of 59-3, while the Lions have not scored more than 17 in their last six games. The Steelers should clinch a playoff spot with 5:34 left in the second quarter.

Willie Parker rushes for a score, and Ben Roethlisberger passes to Hines Ward for a touchdown.

Pittsburgh wins, 30-10.

Miami @ New England

The Patriots are peaking at just the right time, and could possibly be the AFC's number three seed by Sunday's end. With a win over the Dolphins, coupled with a Cincinnati loss, the Patriots would hold the number three seed, and, should the seeds hold through round one, the Pats would avoid traveling to Indy in round two, and would face the Broncos in Denver instead.

"We're not afraid of the Colts by any means," adds Pro Bowl quarterback and All-American dude Tom Brady, "but we like our chances in the cold weather. We love playing AFC West teams. After we dispose of our first round opponent, we'll gladly go to Denver and grind out a three-point win in the snow. I've got a new variation on the tuck rule I'm just dying to try out on an AFC West opponent."

Miami improved to 8-7 with a 24-10 win over the Titans last week. Ricky Williams led the way with a punishing 172 yards and a touchdown on the ground. It was a season-high yardage total for Williams, and may have signaled his return to form before his unexpected retirement three years ago.

"This worked out perfectly for the Dolphins," explains Williams. "They have their back of the future in Ronnie Brown. Me? I'm expendable. Last week's performance should pique the interest of teams looking for a running back. I expect the Dolphins to package me like a cheap pound of herb and send me off to any team willing to take me."

Williams finds the running a lot tougher on the cold New England ground. Tom Brady throws for 285 yards and two touchdowns.

New England wins, 23-9.

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

As was the case with fellow NFC South teams Carolina and Atlanta, field goals played a defining role for the Saints and Bucs last week. New Orleans kicker John Carney nailed four field goals, but the Saints fell 13-12 to Detroit on Jason Hanson's 39-yard kick as time expired. Tampa blocked Todd Peterson's 28-yard attempt just minutes into overtime, then watched as Matt Bryant shanked a 27-yarder six minutes later. Bryant redeemed himself with a 41-yard boot to win the game with fifteen seconds left in overtime.

"If Matt misses that kick," explains Bucs head coach John Gruden, "our playoff hopes go down the drain. Which is the same place Matt's blood would have gone had I gone into Chucky-mode and eviscerated him in the shower with a large butcher knife. But, luckily, Matt made the kick. He's still employed, and I'll be able to berate him with a constant stream of expletives for missing the 27-yard potential game-winner. And that's what I live for: the foulest language imaginable. And I have the players that bring that out of me."

Tampa Bay wins the NFC South with a win, or a Carolina loss. And, they can simply say to heck with the division title and just make the playoffs with a tie, or a Dallas loss or tie, or a Washington loss or tie, or a Giants win or tie, or should they clinch a strength of victory tiebreaker over Dallas or New York.

"So, if the Giants win on Saturday, we're in without even having to take the field?" asks Bucs quarterback Chris Simms. "I haven't pulled for the Giants since Daddy played for them. Hooray! Yaaay! Go, G-Men!"

Tampa wins 27-10 and clinches the NFC South.

Seattle @ Green Bay

Seattle's Shaun Alexander scored three touchdowns last week against the Colts, bringing his season total to 27, tying him with Priest Holmes for the NFL record.

"It would mean a lot to me to break that record," Alexander says, "but what I'm really shooting for is having more touchdowns than Brett Favre interceptions. He's got 28 right now. I could pass him with two scores, provided he doesn't throw any more picks."

"Hey, I'll be throwing the ball come Sunday," says Favre. "To whom remains to be determined. I was never known for my accuracy anyway. I may be the only quarterback who yells 'Fore!' when he makes a pass. But, as long as I can throw the ball 60 miles per hour, I can play quarterback. Those people that doubt my intentions to return next year are the same people who doubted my ability as an actor. And I proved them wrong with my sizzling performance as myself in There's Something About Mary."

Alexander lost the rushing title last year by one yard when Mike Holmgren pulled him out of the final game and let Matt Hasselbeck take a knee. Expect Alexander to rush for an early score, break Holmes' record, and sit for the remainder of the game.

Alexander scores early, and the Seahawks rest several starters. Favre gives the home crowd something to look forward to next year with three touchdown passes.

Packers win, 24-20.

Houston @ San Francisco

Hey, Houston Texans. Who's that outside your stadium, holding a bouquet of flowers and a bunch of balloons?

"Sweet! It's Ed McMahon! I've just won the Publishers' Clearing House Sweepstakes!" exclaims a joyous Dom Capers.

That's not what I had in mind, Dom. I was hoping you'd say "Reggie Bush."

"So, it's not Ed McMahon? Darn. And I bought magazines," replies Capers. "Who's this Reggie Bush guy anyway?"

First things first, Dom. You actually bought magazines, thinking you'd have a better chance to win the sweepstakes? You sucker. Publishers' Clearing House is one, big, giant pyramid scheme. Bush? He's the real deal. The nations most dynamic player is a junior at USC and likely to be the number one pick in the 2006 draft, which the Texans have a very good chance to have.

"I'll take all the credit for that," adds Capers.

And well you should.

The 49ers leave no doubt that Houston deserves the first pick.

San Fran wins, 23-20.

Tennessee @ Jacksonville

It's official, and it has been for quite some time. The Jaguars are in the playoffs, and they will be the number four seed.

"Yeah, baby!" boasts an excited Jack Del Rio. "We're in like Huck Finn, Gunga Din, Sean Penn, Uncle Ben, Aidan Quinn, Errol Flynn, Rin-Tin-Tin, Sherilyn Fenn, Beefeater Gin, Barbie and Ken, and all adult film stars with the last name 'Lynn.'"

Jacksonville will try to put the finishing touches on a 12-4 record with a win over the Titans. The Titans are at a crossroads, and have to decide whether quarterback Steve McNair will be a part of their future. Age has caught up to the Titan star, and McNair is no longer able to play with injuries as he did when he was younger. Now McNair's main problem area is a right pectoral injury, which has limited his ability to throw.

"The day is drawing nearer when I'll have to utter those dreaded words," says McNair.

What words? 'I retire?'

"No. 'I've fallen, and I can't get up.'"

McNair is not the only Titan injury casualty. Running back Chris Brown is nursing a sore ankle and receiver Drew Bennett is slowed by knee and groin injuries. Offensively, Tennessee will be limited, which is not good against a physical Jaguars defense playing with no pressure.

Jacksonville wins handily, 23-6.

Chicago @ Minnesota

The Bears wrapped up the NFC North title and a first-round bye with a 24-17 win over the Packers in Green Bay. Quarterback Rex Grossman led the Bears' cause with a whopping 166 yards passing in his first regular-season start in over a year.

"I detect a note of sarcasm in your use of the word 'whopping,'" counters Grossman. "For the Bears, 166 is a whopping amount. It's about 100 yards more than what Kyle Orton passes for in a game. I think it's the first time in a while that our passing yardage has exceeded the defense's interception return yardage. Not to take anything away from Kyle, though. He's done everything asked of him. And, let's face it. The kid grows a pretty mean beard for a 23-year-old."

The Vikes blew any chance for the playoffs with a loss last week to the Ravens. To add insult to injury, Federal Express dropped a television commercial featuring Daunte Culpepper, due to Culpepper's involvement in the Viking cruise boat scandal.

"That's hypocritical," says Culpepper. "We had those girls shipped in via Fed Ex. Next time, we're using UPS."

The Bears will rest several starters, as they can't improve their number two seed.

Minnesota wins 19-13 to finish 9-7 on the year.

Washington @ Philadelphia

After last week's 35-20 win over the Giants, the Redskins have won four in a row to move to the cusp of a playoff berth. Washington is in the playoffs with a win or a Dallas loss, and will win the NFC East with a win and a New York loss. The Redskins whipped the Giants 35-20 last week behind three touchdown catches by Santana Moss.

"I even had a touchdown pass," says Redskins running back Clinton Portis, in a wacky costume for his weekly meeting with reporters, and looking dangerously like Elton John circa 1970. "But mine went to Chris Cooley. I know it's been a few years since a Clinton made passes in Washington, but I'm making it cool again."

The Eagles will be looking to win their first division game, a year after sweeping the division on their way to the NFC crown.

"We want no part of the reverse sweep," says Eagles head coach Andy Reid. "We're playing for pride. This is a big game for us and the city. I don't think a city has been this excited about a sporting event since Rocky Balboa faced Thunderlips."

Meanwhile, Terrell Owens is unhappy, again.

"Man, Santa didn't even bring me an XBox 360," cries Owens.

Luckily for Owens, his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, issued a statement expressing his disappointment that Santa Claus would mistreat Owens, who should "clearly be on the 'nice' list." Rosenhaus then filed a grievance with the North Pole Arbitration Council on behalf of Owens, and then sent notices to the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy warning them that ignoring Owens would result in "severe repercussions."

Washington clinches a playoff spot with a 28-20 win.

St. Louis @ Dallas

Why on earth did Bill Parcells fire kicker Billy Cundiff after last week's win in Carolina? Cundiff is the only reason Dallas won the game against the Panthers. Had he not kicked the ball such that it seemed to graze Panther's defender Julius Peppers, and had he not fallen like he'd been shot when two Panthers rolled "into" him, then the Cowboys would have lost, and been eliminated from the playoffs.

"I understand your points," Parcells replies. "Billy's a great magician and a fine actor, but I fired him because of his kicking. This is Dallas. We go through kickers like the Rams go through quarterbacks. Kickers are like light bulbs. They can be replaced, and who cares if you break one."

The Cowboys need a win and lots of help to make the playoffs. If the help comes, it will be from Washington or Carolina losses. There's also one of those crazy strength of victory tiebreakers the Cowboys could win in case of Tampa Bay and New York Giant losses. So, by the time the Cowboys take the field, they will know their fate. The Rams could be facing an angry and disappointed Cowboy team, or one knowing it needs a win to make the playoffs. Either way, the Rams lose.

Cowboys win, 28-21.