Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay
The Falcons and Buccaneers were each given a math lesson last week by the Patriots and Bears.
"What was that lesson?" asks the Bucs John Gruden. "Was it the equation 'their score minus our score equals a lot?' Or, 'no touchdowns, plus no field goals, plus no safeties equal no score and no chance?'"
And no dice. Actually, the math lesson I'm referring to is "division lead, plus away game, plus cold weather, equals butt-whipping for the Falcons and Bucs." Tampa Bay was shutout 28-0 by the AFC East-leading Patriots, while the Falcons were dominated by the NFC North-leading Bears in chilly Chicago, 16-3.
"Obviously, playing in a climate-controlled dome in Atlanta doesn't prepare one for the adverse conditions inherent of an early-winter, late-evening game on the windy shores of Lake Michigan," explains Falcons head coach Jim Mora, Jr. "That's the double-edged sword you swallow when you play in Chicago at this time of the year. You play the weather, and you play the Bears. Usually, the weather is better than the Bears. Not this year. It's clearly more important to watch Chicago film than to watch the weather forecast."
Tampa is in the driver's seat for a playoff spot, and can clinch a spot with a win and any combination of two losses or two ties by Dallas, Washington, and Minnesota. Cadillac Williams rushes for a score, and Chris Simms throws for 200 yards and a touchdown.
The Bucs win 27-20.
Buffalo @ Cincinnati
The Bengals thrashed the Lions 41-17, a week after narrowly defeating the Browns 23-20, to claim their first division title since 1990.
"That's a decade and a half worth of futility," says Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis. "Last Sunday, we went back to the basics, employing what we call the 'Viking Sex Boat Offense:' using our Johnson's. And that would be Rudi and Chad Johnson, who are not related, but are soul brothers, nonetheless."
Running back Rudi Johnson rushed for 117 yards and two touchdowns, while receiver Chad Johnson collected 99 yards receiving and a touchdown, and then celebrated with a "non-celebration," thinking for a moment before casually handing the ball to the official.
"Damn! I'm creative," boasts Johnson. "I bet Terrell Owens' head exploded when he saw that. I defy any official to flag me for excessive celebration."
The Bills closed out their home schedule with a loss to the Browns, and finish the season on the road, where they are 0-6. Bills' receiver Eric Moulds returned from a one-game suspension and played his best game of the year, catching nine passes for 110 yards, while Lee Evans had only two catches for five yards.
"I guess I made my point," says Moulds.
"You certainly did," replies Bills head coach Mike Mularkey. "Effective immediately, Lee Evans is suspended."
If the Bills can't win on the road, they certainly can't beat a Bengals team vying for a first-round playoff bye. And they can't stop Carson Palmer, the NFL's second-highest rated passer. Palmer throws three touchdown passes, two to Chad Johnson, one to Johnson's fellow college teammate at Oregon, T. J. "Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda, Greetings From Camp" Houshmanzedah.
Bengals win, 31-17.
Dallas @ Carolina
After their big 31-28 win over the Chiefs two weeks ago, the Cowboys suffered a letdown of epic proportions against the Redskins, losing 35-7 to fall to 8-6. The Cowboys turned the ball over four times, and gave up seven sacks.
"Three interceptions, one fumble, and seven sacks," says Bill Parcells. "There's a common denominator is all of those: Drew Bledsoe. But let's not blame it all on Drew. The offensive line had more holes in it than a Michael Irvin alibi, and Drew's never outran a sack in his life. The offensive line will bounce back. Carolina doesn't have much of a defensive front, do they?"
The Panthers bounced back from last week's loss to Tampa Bay with a dominant 27-10 win over the Saints, avenging an opening day loss to New Orleans.
"We owed the Saints twofold," says Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme. "They kept us out of the playoffs in last year's final game, so the payback was doubly sweet. If a certain two of our cheerleaders can double their pleasure, why can't we?"
You can, Jake. Just make sure you do it on the football field.
"Oh, I've done it on the field several times."
With a win and a Tampa Bay loss or tie, Carolina clinches the division. With just a win, they clinch a playoff spot. With a win, the Cowboys don't clinch jack.
The Panthers take care of business and win 27-17.
Steve Smith grabs two touchdown passes from Delhomme.
Detroit @ New Orleans
Hey, Jim Haslett. Do you want to reconsider your decision to bench Aaron Brooks for the rest of the season? Maybe you should, after Brooks' backup, Todd Bouman, tossed four interceptions against the Panthers.
"Bah humbug!" says Haslett. "I've been visited by the ghosts of Saints past, present, and future, and they don't wear white sheets like most ghosts. Instead, they wear brown paper bags over their heads. Anyway, they all said it was time for a change."
Maybe they were talking about a coaching change.
"Hey, can I get in on this 'benching a quarterback for the rest of the season' deal?" asks Detroit interim head coach Dick Jauron. "I've got at least two quarterbacks I'd like to give that status. I think it's safe to say we won't be drafting another wide receiver in the 2006 draft. Then again, who knows what Matt Millen is thinking in that over-analytical brain of his?"
"It's nice to have the full support of the Detroit community," says Millen. "Seeing my name on all of those banners and signs at games gives me a warm feeling inside, the feeling you get when you sense that you're minutes away from being canned. It's a good thing I just read my name on those signs and nothing else."
Very little hangs in the balance in this game, except coaching jobs, assistant coaching jobs, general manager jobs, draft position, starting quarterback positions, and millions of wagered dollars. Beyond that, this game means very little. But they still have to play it. But you don't have to watch it unless you're a political prisoner subject to a hideous torture ritual, legal of course.
Lions win, 23-17.
Jacksonville @ Houston
Jacksonville held San Francisco to 217 total yards and eight first downs, had no turnovers, and held the ball for over 35 minutes, yet still only managed to beat the 49ers by one point, 10-9.
"If I told you I had $50 grand that the score would be under 37 ½," says Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio, "would you believe me? No? Okay. How about if I told you I had convinced my players that the game would be scored on boxing's 10-point must system? No? Okay, then. Would you buy this? Our offense stinks."
I accept that without question. The Jacksonville offense is so stagnant, mosquitoes are mixing it with water and breeding like rabbits.
Houston won only their second game of the year, beating the Cardinals 30-19. Texans quarterback David Carr actually got some protection from his offensive line, as they gave up only three sacks.
"That's not great," says Carr, "but it's a lot better than what I'm used to. I hope the line isn't expecting much for Christmas. They certainly don't deserve watches, jewelry, or anything that requires much protection. I found the perfect gift that requires very little maintenance: Chia Pets. Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia."
In Week 9, the Texans blew a 14-7 fourth quarter lead in losing to the Jags, 21-14. Last year, Houston beat Jacksonville twice, giving up only six points in those two games. Their final contest, a 21-0 Houston win, effectively knocked the Jags out of the playoffs. Houston apparently has Jacksonville's number, and that number is very tiny if you're talking about Jacksonville's offensive output.
Again, Houston shocks the Jags. David Carr throws for a score, and Kris Brown kicks four field goals.
Texans win, 19-17.
N.Y. Giants @ Washington
The last time these two teams met, the Redskins offered little resistance, and were blasted 36-0 by the Giants in Week 8. This time, the 'Skins have revenge on their mind, and the support of the President of the United States of America, George W. Bush.
"I hereby authorize the Washington Redskins to use any means necessary to wiretap and eavesdrop on any Giants' conversations, meetings, and/or game planning sessions," says Bush. "And if they feel compelled to torture an equipment manager or secretary to obtain the necessary information, then they have my blessing."
To defeat the Giants, the Redskins defense will have to stop Tiki Barber, who set a New York record with 220 yards rushing against the Chiefs last week.
"We can't expect to score 36 again against Washington," says Barber, "and we can't expect them to score zero again. But we'll gladly meet them halfway. Say, they score 17, and we score 18. Unlike somebody in Washington, we have an exit strategy. And that is to leave Washington with a win and the NFC East title."
Not this week, Tiki. Clinton Portis rushes for 130 yards and two touchdowns, and the Redskins inch closer to a playoff berth.
Redskins win, 24-20.
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland
Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and Cleveland signal-caller Charlie Frye face off in a battle of former Mid-American Conference superstars. Roethlisberger starred at Miami of Ohio, while Frye displayed his skills at the University of Akron.
"Ben and I are both tough, hard-nosed kids from Ohio," explains Frye. "We grew up around the coal mines and factories of the Midwest, and we didn't have everything handed to us on a silver platter like some of the other starters in this league. Quarterbacks that played in major conferences are pansies. When I was little and got coal in my stocking for Christmas, I didn't cry about. I ate the stuff. If you really put your mind to it, coal tastes like peppermint."
Right now, the Steelers would claim the number six seed in the playoffs. However, if the Steelers and Chargers win their remaining two games, and Jacksonville loses one of its two remaining games, then all of those teams would finish 11-5. The Chargers and Jags would be in, and the Steelers would be out, based on a three-team tiebreaker that resorts to conference record.
"So our fate rests in the hands of Jack Del Rio and the Jags?" asks Cowher. "That puts me in a difficult situation, leaving only one option: offering Del Rio an indecent proposal. Okay, Del Rio, here's the deal. You win you're remaining two games, and you win a night with me."
"You sicken me, Cowher," Del Rio responds. "Just for that, I think we'll lose both of our remaining games."
The Pittsburgh defense dazzles with another dominant effort on the road. Roethlisberger throws one touchdown, and Jerome Bettis busts in for a one-yard score.
Steelers win, 20-6.
San Diego @ Kansas City
The Chargers ended the Colts' unbeaten season, jumping in front of the Colts 16-0, then holding on for a 26-17 win to hand Indy its first loss in 14 games.
"We did the 1972 Dolphins a big favor," says Chargers quarterback Drew Brees. "But why? Two weeks ago, the 2005 Dolphins handed us a home defeat, which might end up costing us a spot in the playoffs. It would have been sweet revenge on the Dolphins had we lost to the Colts. With all this talk of whether or not the Colts should have rested their starters, wouldn't it have been funny if we had rested ours? That would have been hilarious."
At 8-6, the Chiefs are still in the hunt for a wildcard spot, but would have to win their remaining two games and hope that the Steelers, Chargers, and Jaguars lose everything possible.
"The good news is, we have both our remaining games at home," says Chiefs quarterback Trent Green. "And there's more good news. We're not playing an NFC East team. We're 1-3 against those sons of guns. But wait, there's more good news. Our defensive coordinator, Gunther Cunningham, has promised a defensive scheme to stop the high-powered Chargers offense. And he's also promised to keep his itchy middle finger holstered. What kind of idiot shoots the bird to an official and then tries to tell the cameraman not to show it? It's live television, Gunther. You're busted. At least you didn't expose your left nipple."
"Live TV doesn't catch everything," replies Cunningham. "Anyway, I wasn't giving the finger to an official. I was flashing it to my defense. Those guys can't stop anyone. I've assumed the role previously owned by Jake Plummer as the 'AFC West Personality Most Likely to Give Someone the Finger.'"
The Chargers' LaDainian Tomlinson is nursing bruised ribs, but intends to play.
"What better way to recover from injury than a game against the Chiefs," says Tomlinson. "They don't tackle. They won't hit me. In fact, I think my ribs will feel better after the game."
Despite the injury, Tomlinson rushes for 100 yards and a touchdown. San Diego's defense limits Larry Johnson to only 90 yards rushing, and the Chargers stay alive in the playoff hunt.
San Diego wins, 24-20.
San Francisco @ St. Louis
The 49ers and Rams both found themselves on the short end of one-point losses last week. San Fran lost 10-9 at Jacksonville, while the Rams fell 17-16 at home to the Eagles. If you want to identify a weakness common to the Rams and 49ers, you'd have to start with the quarterback position. The statistics reflect the issue. St. Louis' Ryan Fitzpatrick has 8 interceptions, a 56.3% completion percentage, and a passer rating of 58.2. San Fran's Alex Smith has 10 interceptions, a 46.7% completion percentage, and a 26.6 passer rating.
"The numbers don't lie," says Fitzpatrick. "It looks like I'm the better quarterback, and, with Kurt Warner injured, I'm the best quarterback in the NFC West, excluding Seattle's Matt Hasselbeck, as well as my teammates Marc Bulger and Jamie Martin."
This game features the two worst scoring defenses in the league — the Rams have given up 395 points, while the 49ers have surrendered four fewer.
"That's good news for bad quarterbacks all around," says Smith. "Ryan and I should be able to bump up those statistics quite a bit. A quick review of my stats reveals that I need to complete nine of my first 10 passes to get my completion percentage to fifty for the year, and if all nine of those completions are touchdowns, I may get my passer rating out of the 20s."
Fitzpatrick throws a TD pass to Pro Bowl receiver Torry "Big Game" Holt, who has a Pro Bowl-caliber day, despite this being anything but "a big game."
Rams win, 20-17.
Tennessee @ Miami
Despite beating the Jets last week for their fourth straight win, the Dolphins were eliminated from the playoffs when San Diego and Pittsburgh won.
"Nobody ever said this team wasn't tough," says Dolphins head coach Nick Saban. "Look at that, it took two teams to eliminate us from the playoffs."
And nobody ever said Saban wasn't a great motivator. And he's obviously worked his magic on running back Ricky Williams, who rushed for seventy yards and a touchdown in the win over New York.
"I'm just now rounding into form," says Williams. "It's too bad the season ends in two weeks. Fortunately, I plan to spend the offseason playing in the NFL Europe league, preferably with Amsterdam. However, I am looking forward to this game against the Titans. Travis Henry and I are both alumni of the 'four-game drug suspension club.' Although I've never met Travis, our urine specimens have crossed paths several times. They're practically on a first name basis. You know, if you take Travis' first and last initials and add a 'C,' you get THC. Isn't that wild?"
Williams rushes for a score, and Chris Chambers remains hot with 100 yards receiving and a touchdown.
Miami wins, 23-20.
Philadelphia @ Arizona
Have the Eagles found the missing link to a running game in rookie Ryan Moats, a powerful 210-pound back with breakaway speed, and the full support of the Philadelphia branch of the NAACP? Moats has rushed for 192 yards and three touchdowns in the Eagles' last two games.
"Yep. Ryan can pound it inside and turn on the speed for a breakaway on the outside," says Eagles head coach Andy Reid. "I hope that's acceptable to J. Whyatt Mondesire, the president of the Philadelphia chapter of the NAACP Apparently, he feels the urge to criticize Donovan McNabb's skills as a quarterback and leader. Well, I'm here to introduce Donovan, who has an announcement to make."
"First, I have a question," says McNabb. "I am a black guy, right? I am. Great. I was starting to wonder. Now, the announcement. I have an established an organization known as the NAADM, the National Association For the Advancement of Donovan McNabb. This organization will be chaired by me and only me, and is for the sole purpose of promoting myself and denouncing people such as Terrell Owens, Mondesire, Rush Limbaugh, and any soup maker not affiliated with Campbell's Chunky."
Arizona lost quarterback Kurt Warner to a torn knee ligament last week, so Josh McCown will take over.
"Do you think the Eagles know we plan to pass?" asks McCown.
Well, since the Cardinals have almost four times as much passing yardage as rushing yardage, I think the Eagles know what's coming. Moats rushes for over 100 yards, and the Philly defense comes after McCown.
Eagles win, 24-16.
Indianapolis @ Seattle
The 1972 Miami Dolphins can rest easy, again. Their perfect record is safe from being matched or bettered by the Colts, after the Chargers beat Indy last week 26-17.
"I'll raise a toast of prune juice in their honor," says Peyton Manning, "Cheers, old-timers. That's quite a record you hold there. You would think a team that went undefeated in the regular season would have been able to win the Super Bowl by more than a 14-7 score. Not exactly what I would call dominating. I bet they had everyone pulling for them to do it. They probably didn't have to worry about a bunch of old men hoping that they would lose a game. It's okay, though. Now, we can go about our business of taking it easy, resting a few banged up players, and rolling through the playoffs and our first Super Bowl win. Give me a half, and I'll put 21 points on the board against the Seahawks. And I'll do it while singing my favorite Christmas carol, 'Silent Count, Holey Defense.'"
The Colts may have made a serious error by losing to the Chargers. Well, besides blowing a perfect record. They may have allowed the only team that can beat them a shot at the playoffs. A Charger loss last week would have left San Diego with virtually no chance at the playoffs. Now, if the Chargers win out and get some help, they could get another shot at Indy. It probably won't happen, but it's possible.
The Indy/Seattle matchup could be a preview of the Super Bowl, but only if the Colts made the Super Bowl and rested several of their starters. Unlike the Colts, the Seahawks have not clinched home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, but could do so with a win, or a Chicago loss. Chicago doesn't play until Sunday, so Seattle has no choice but to go ahead and win, clinch, and chill out in Week 17.
Seattle wins, 31-21/
Oakland @ Denver
Do the Raiders have a third-string quarterback? Kerry Collins returned as starter last week against the Browns, and promptly posted numbers that would only make Marques Tuiasosopo jealous.
"I think the real question isn't, 'Do we have a third-string quarterback?'" comments Raiders head coach Norv Turner. "The real question is, 'Do we have a first-string quarterback?' Clearly, the answer is no."
Here are some more questions, Norv. What kind of name is "Norv?" Is that short for something? Is "Turner" your real last name, or is your last name "Zappa" or "Phoenix?" Do you think you'll have a job next year?
"I politely decline to discuss personal information with idiots," says Turner, "but I will answer your last question. Yes, I do think I'll be coaching the Raiders next year. It will be 2006 in about a week, and I still expect to be the coach. After that, I'm sure Al Davis will chat with Randy Moss and they will decide that a change needs to be made. I'll be fired in February, and Al will hire another coach who will fail to instill discipline in the Raider organization."
"Win or lose," says Raiders receiver Randy Moss, "I'll have myself a mile-high Christmas."
You mean, you'll be in Denver, one mile above sea level, for Christmas.
"Oh, it's got nothing to do with Denver or sea level, whatever that is," replies Moss.
Denver can clinch the AFC West with a win or a San Diego loss, and can clinch a first-round bye with a win and a Cincinnati loss. They'll know the outcome of the Buffalo/Cincinnati game by kickoff in Denver. Whatever that outcome, the Broncos will win.
Mike Anderson rushes for a score, and Jake Plummer connects with Rod Smith for a short TD pass.
Denver prevails, 27-13.
Chicago @ Green Bay
The Bears finally made the quarterback switch that nearly everyone was expecting: Rex Grossman taking over for erratic starter Kyle Orton. Apparently, Chicago coach Lovie Smith realized that the Bears might need to score more than 20 points per game to make a serious playoff run.
"I knew as soon as Rex completed his first throw, I had made the right decision," says Smith. "That was a 22-yard completion, which is 10 more yards than Kyle managed in the entire first half."
In Green Bay, Brett Favre does not concern himself with getting pulled from a game, because he knows it won't happen, unless he makes the call himself.
"Look," says Favre. "I know I'm having a tough year. It's like those two Guinness beer characters showing up at Lambeau with two honks of Limburger cheese on their heads, trying to be Cheeseheads. Like me, they're stinking up the joint. The interceptions are piling up. But some interceptions make good punts. If it's 3rd-and-28, why not heave it way down the field? If it's intercepted, that's like a 50-yard punt. Brilliant!"
Back in Week 13, Favre passed 58 times in a 19-7 loss to the Bears. He may have to throw more this time — the Packers lost running back Samkon Gado to a torn knee ligament. Like Ahman Green and Najeh Davenport before him, Gado is out for the season. This probably means more Bears in coverage. And that means more Favre interceptions.
Chicago wins 24-13 and clinches the NFC North title.
Minnesota @ Baltimore
After reeling off six straight wins, the Vikings ran into a wall called the Pittsburgh Steelers defense. The Steel Curtain kept the Vikings out of the end zone, surrendering only a Paul Edinger field goal in the first quarter.
"Wait just a minute," says Minnesota running back Michael Bennett. "They didn't keep us out of the end zone. I was tackled in the end zone for a safety in the fourth quarter. Get your facts straight, or get a job working for the New York Times."
Okay, correction. The Steelers kept the Vikings out of the Pittsburgh end zone.
The Minnesota loss came just a few days after charges were filed in the Vikings' October 6th sex boat scandal. Daunte Culpepper, Fred Smoot, Bryant McKinnie, and Moe Williams were each changed with the misdemeanors of indecent conduct, disorderly conduct, and lewd and lascivious conduct. Smoot may face the most embarrassing charge: manipulating a sex toy.
"I'm stunned," says Smoot. "Not from the charge, but from the fact that 'manipulating a sex toy' is a crime. A crime? Man, that's a privilege where I come from. I could understand if it was 'contributing to the delinquency of a sex toy.' That should be a crime, and I think I've committed that crime before, but just not on a boat in front of hundreds of people in broad daylight. I just don't hope they don't drag the girls into this, because they're totally innocent. Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas."
Can the Ravens expect Kyle Boller to throw for over 250 yards and three TDs, and have Jamal Lewis rush for over 100 yards, in the same game, again? Boller and Lewis did just that last week in a 48-3 blowout of the Packers.
"If you think they'll do that against us," says Vikings safety Darren Sharper, "man, you be illin'."
Vikings win, 20-10.
New England @ New York Jets
Although he was listed as "questionable," did anyone really believe that Tom Brady would miss last week's game against Tampa Bay?
"People that know me know that I'm tougher than a rib eye steak from the filthy kitchen of an Interstate 95 truck stop," says Brady. "Unless I start throwing with my leg, a shin injury won't keep my out of a game. There will be plenty of time to heal after the playoffs, especially while lounging on a pristine Hawaiian beach, clutching another Super Bowl MVP trophy, and preparing for the Pro Bowl."
New England shut out the Buccaneers 28-0 last week in Foxboro, while the Jets lost on the road, 24-20 to the Dolphins. It was the Jets' eighth road loss this year, a painful reminder of a season to forget.
"We'd love to forget this season," says Jets coach Herman Edwards, "as would our fans. Normally, the fans can forget the game, especially after drinking themselves into a drunken stupor at the Meadowlands. But not this Monday. Beer sales have been banned for our appearance on Monday Night Football. So, Jets' fan will have to sit there and remember every bit of the game, and if they choose to commit any felonies, they will have to do them while sober. I know all this doesn't make New York fans happy."
"You're right, Herm," says longtime Jets fan and New York taxi driver Travis Bickle. "That puts the 'MF' in MNF."
Are you talkin' to me?
New England cannot improve on its number four playoff seeding, so a win means little to them. But, since when do you need motivation to beat the Jets.
Patriots win, 23-7.
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