Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Anna Benson vs. PETA
USC's 55-19 win over Oklahoma in last year's Orange Bowl, Duke's rout of Texas this year on the basketball court, the Chicago White Sox' sweep of the Houston Astros in the World Series, the Cincinnati Bengals' 41-17 win over the Detroit Lions ... this list could go on forever, but there is one common thread here — these are all blowout wins. As long as this list could be, you would have to add one more matchup — Anna "The Animal Murderer" Benson vs. PETA.
Most people know Anna Benson only as the outspoken wife of New York Mets pitcher Kris Benson. Generally speaking, fans have a slanted view of Anna. The only time sports fans seem to care about her is when she is claiming she would sleep with the entire Mets roster if Kris cheated on her or that the Mets are trying to trade Kris because she was involved in talks to pose for Playboy.
She's more than baseball's hottest wife, however. She also is a huge player when it comes to charity work and she is, believe it or not, a fairly good Texas Hold'em player (she turned in a great WSOP performance with only 30 days practice). More importantly, she's also a pretty entertaining writer, as evidenced in her letter to PETA on her website (AnnaBenson.net).
She starts off with a lengthy paragraph describing herself as an animal lover (she has a horse, 10 dogs, two cats, and seven fish) and describing the countless luxuries that her pets enjoy. It seems like she and PETA may not be so different, after all –— they all love animals, that's really great. Then you get to the second paragraph:
However, animal rights only go so far. I also happen to believe in the circle of life. Everyone and everything has a place and a purpose on this earth. Ms. Fox is not all that concerned with Mr. Rabbit's rights when she catches him and rips his throat out with her teeth ... I'd be willing to bet that the only thing she's thinking is, "yummy." — Anna Benson
Good opening, salvo. It would be somewhat comical to watch someone from PETA reading this letter because you would be able to pinpoint the exact second they got to Ms. Fox ripping out Mr. Rabbit's throat — it would be priceless. She goes on to say that if animals had the same capabilities as humans that they would enjoy dishes like newborn stew and that our new national anthem would be "Four legs good; two legs bad!" (which I think is actually a decent song). Anna explains why she is writing this letter to PETA (or, as she calls them, the People who Enact Terrorist Agendas): it is her response to PETA's threats against Elle Macpherson for signing a $1.8 million dollar deal for Blackglama fur.
She was warned to drop the campaign "or else." Well, that really pissed me off. Just, exactly, what the f*ck are you gonna do about it, PETA? It's one thing for you to print your extremist literature and stage your anti-human demonstrations, but you are no better than the baby-seal killers when you start threatening people and their families ... PETA is officially crazy to think that they have a right to stop her. — Anna Benson (edited for language)
Burn No. 1! I love how she gets right to the point and calls out PETA's bluff. Well, PETA, exactly what is "else?" We all know there is nothing you can really do, but you still have to do something. It can even be something simple like making some half-bit celebrity (say, Anna Nicole Smith?) badmouth her. Doing nothing won't work. Otherwise, everyone will think PETA is all bark and no bite. Well, everyone thinks that anyway, but it's nice to show you at least try to back up your threats.
(Quick sidebar: If you are ever trying to pick up a PETA-type girl, be sure to drop the "so a baby seal walked into a club..." joke. That always works. It might not help you get the girl, but it will be really funny.)
Anna then goes on to describe how she stays warm by wearing dead animals. After claiming she has an entire zoo in her closet, she then describes her love of eating animals. She gets in a few more good blasts, but then drops what may be the best line in reference to PETA ever. Sure, it was funny when Charles Barkley ate a burger on live TV to try to infuriate them (of course, it was completely lame when Michael Wilbon copied Barkley's move on PTI), but that really doesn't say much. This does.
I know that you're not gonna make me a card-carrying member. I guess I'll throw away my application along with all my PETA hopes and dreams. Actually, I'm glad that you won't have me because I wouldn't be caught dead affiliating with you. PETA is on crack, and we all know from those after-school specials that crack kills. Get off the crack, PETA. — Anna Benson
Burn! PETA is on crack, and we all know that crack kills, get off the crack PETA. CLASSIC! After reading this, it all is actually starting to make sense. Note to PETA, though — Anna is no drug expert, so who are you to take her word that crack actually kills? If you really are on crack, it hasn't killed you yet, so if it ain't broke, why fix it? My advice is to let it play itself out, see where it takes you.
As if that wasn't enough, Anna then gets in some more great shots on the People Who Enact Terrorist Agendas.
... Seriously though, I am shocked that PETA compares animal abuse to child abuse and murder. What is wrong with you people? How can you say that the fur trade is comparable to the holocaust? How dare you tell millions of Jews that their attempted extermination and subsequent suffering in the concentration camps is equivalent to the new fall line of boots?
And where did you get the idea that animals should have the same rights as mentally-challenged people? Maybe we should let animals compete in the Special Olympics, as well? You're suggesting that they have the same mental capabilities, so why not? You are all f*cking crazy and idiotic for being so radical and one-sided about animals. They have, like, two cells in their little animal heads...
It would be most unfortunate for humanity if someone from FOX is reading this, because that could put the ball in motion for all this "animals in the special Olympics" talk. I suppose their rationale would be "Who wouldn't want to see a squirrel take on a cripple in a race?" I guess the big hitch here is that while the squirrel would be an able runner, he wouldn't have the intelligence of the paraplegic. The squirrel would be able to run quickly, but only the paraplegic knows to head towards the finish line. Could the squirrel inadvertently cross the finish line first? That's the hook.
... I have, however, been fishing, and I will probably fish again. And I dare you to give my kid some radical literature if I decide to take him/her fishing in New York; I'll kick your ass on the spot. In fact, if any of your idiot members ever come anywhere near my kids, I will skin them and eat them for dinner. In other words, I am not afraid of you, PETA!
Ooh, burned again. Seriously, though, how great is this? If PETA didn't understand not to mess with Anna earlier, surely the threat of cannibalism has to knock that point home. I think this would make a great reality TV show — someone from PETA continually tries to give Anna's kids radical literature and she finds new ways to kick the person's ass every week. It may seem pretty simple, but it's not any more complex than 16 people stuck on an island, and my show would actually be entertaining. This is where Anna's extreme fighting experience would drive home the ratings because it's mainly just a more physical version of the Harlem Globetrotters humiliating the Washington Generals.
... And, really, I won't kill anything that I don't eat or wear unless it is pestering me.
This is a great mantra to live by.
... The only people whom I hate more than hypocrites are idiots ... and PETA is at the top of my idiot list next to NAMBLA. So I double hate PETA, and I don't care if PETA hates me because I hate you first.
DONE! Ring the bell. Breaking out the double hate card = brilliant. All that you can really say is (in my best Jim Ross voice), "Oh my God, look at the carnage. PETA has just been literally broken in half. Stop the damn match!" Of course, PETA wouldn't be PETA if they didn't have something ridiculous to say, so when I went to them looking for an official comment, I received this gem straight from a PR type.
PETA comment:
Anna Benson's trashy little rant isn't just missing the point that kindness is a virtue — it's also missing video footage from PETATV.com. If she's going to actively contribute to killing cats and dogs who sit on death row in animal shelters, waiting for a home, by spending her husband's money to buy purebreds, then people should be able to see the consequences. How attractive does she think it is to boast that she doesn't care if animals' necks are broken so that she can dress like a bimbo? She may be a stripper, but we'll bet that the video footage of stripping dogs and cats of their skin while they're still alive that's on our website would make most people lose their appetite for fur, sex, and food. — PETA
Well done, PETA. What an incredibly unfunny, pointless response. Horrible. If you are going to make your official response petty, childish and full of personal insults, at least make them good insults. They focus on all the wrong points, such as actively contributing to killing animals. Is Anna the only person who has purchased a purebred? Please.
And what are they trying to say with the whole "she may be a stripper, but this video would make anyone upset" line? Are strippers supposed to be less shocked by graphic animal abuse? Is this some sort of initiation all strippers go through? Or, more likely, does PETA's way to crack on people consist merely of putting similar words together? Look, even I could do PR for PETA (my examples would surely be enough to land me that gig):
She may be a train conductor (she's not, but just roll with it), but we bet she wouldn't enjoy having millions of bolts of electricity being conducted through her body after being hit by lightning.
She may be a poker player, but we bet that even she wouldn't want a hot poker shoved in her face.
She may be a model, but we bet that even she wouldn't want to be hit in the head with a model airplane we made one day at work when we were bored.
When I informed her of PETA's response, Anna basically picked it apart point for point:
If PETA feels my buying pure bred cats and dogs means I am actively contributing to killing the cats and dogs sitting on death row in animal shelters waiting for a home, does that mean I'm killing children by wanting to get pregnant rather than adopt? — Anna Benson
Not entirely the same situation. Last time I checked, they don't "put down" unwanted orphans. They don't send little Oliver and Annie off to a farm where they can sing all day long about picking pockets and wagering your bottom dollar on the sunrise. Since I did give PETA some PR help, I feel obligated to help you out as well, Anna. Instead of the killing kids example, I would have gone with:
"If I don't buy those crappy crafts kids in poor African villages make and send over here for us to buy, am I actively contributing to destroying their village? I mean it would be one thing if they were making TiVos over there, or a pair of Nike shoes, but what the hell am I supposed to do with a miniature scarecrow?"
Bottom line is Anna is right, it's not her responsibility to care for pets other people didn't want. Advantage: Anna
As far as dressing like a bimbo is concerned; I've seen Pamela Anderson, a very active supporter of PETA, wearing far less in public than I would ever dream, so does that make her a bimbo? — Anna Benson
Again, she makes a valid point — PETA doesn't know what the hell they are trying to say. I really don't see any way you could answer that question with a no, but I think the real winner here is America. Advantage: Anna.
PETA, don't leave with your head down. You gave it everything you had, it just sucked. Sorry, but this decision goes to Anna "The Animal Murderer" Benson in a TKO.
The Sports Gospel According to Mark is sponsored by BetOnSports.com. BetOnSports.com gives you the greatest sports action to bet on. Wager on football, cricket, boxing, Rugby, horse racing, and more. Mark Chalifoux is also a weekly columnist for SportsFan Magazine. His columns appear every Tuesday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Mark at [email protected].