Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Tampa Bay @ New England
The Patriots sent a message to the rest of the league last week, in the form of a 35-7 beat-down of the Bills. And that message was this: we're still Super Bowl champions until someone else wins it.
"But wait, there's more," says Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, polishing a giant, diamond-studded belt buckle that says 'Sportsman of the Year.' "Put it in the bank. We will be the No. 4 seed in the playoffs. We will beat the No. 5 seed handily in eight inches of snow in Foxboro. Then a week later, we will go to Indianapolis and play mind games with the Colts. And, it may or may not be the result of a bad case of dandruff, or a stashed load of cocaine getting busted and falling from the RCA Dome ceiling, but it will snow. It will snow, I tell you."
Am I going to doubt Tom Brady? Heck no. He's a three-time Super Bowl MVP, and he's got five layers of protection on his Visa card and his offensive line. That's quite a bit of protection, and only two fewer layers than one would need to enjoy a hygienic, romantic interlude with Courtney Love.
Tampa Bay's upset of the Panthers in Charlotte boosted them to the top of the NFC South. The Bucs are tied with the Panthers at 9-4, but hold the tiebreaker edge as a result of a better division record.
"We've got our groove back," says Gruden, "and I've got my sneer on. We're ready to take on the defending champs. It may be 20 degrees at Gillette Stadium Saturday afternoon, but I'll inexplicably be wearing a visor. I'm not sure why. We know Tom Brady has an injured leg, so we plan to pressure the pocket and make him move around. How does the saying go? He'll be busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest? Well, we hope to keep Tom busy, but not kicking our ass."
New England at home in December? Sounds like a win to me. Brady throws two touchdowns, and the Patriots win, 23-13.
Kansas City @ N.Y. Giants
The Giants Jay Feely connected on four-of-four field goal attempts, including the game-winning 36-yarder to beat the Eagles last week, 26-23 in overtime. It was sweet redemption for Feely, who, it Week 12, missed three field goals, any of which would have beaten the Seahawks.
"I'm just glad I still have my job," says Feely. "I heard the rumors that the Giants were thinking about signing Jose Cortez, formerly of the Cowboys, Eagles, and many others. As a kicker, there is no greater embarrassment than being replaced by Jose Cortez. I may have missed some kicks lately, but my teammates, coaches, and the New York media haven't missed a kick at all lately, with the target being my ass."
Chiefs kicker Lawrence Tynes certainly knows what Feely has been through. Last Sunday in Dallas, Tynes missed a 41-yard field goal that would have sent the game into overtime. Sadly, the kick sailed wide right and spiraled downward, just like the Kansas City's playoff aspirations.
"Yeah, that blows," said Tynes. "Whereas Feely dealt with his anguish with his spirituality, I'll deal with mine as I see fit, and that's getting wasted and sucker-punching an unsuspecting bouncer. I just hope Trent Green is there to pull my idiot self out of there before the bouncer realizes I'm just a kicker and he could easily beat me senseless."
The Chiefs get another shot at an NFC East opponent, and just like last week in Dallas, defense is mysteriously absent. As has been the case three times this year, when Kansas City's opponent scores thirty or more, they lose. They can't win the shootout.
The Giants score 31, and the Chiefs fall, 31-27.
Denver @ Buffalo
What's a good word to describe Denver's narrow 12-10 win over the Ravens in Denver last Sunday?
"Sucky?" says Denvers Mike Shanahan.
No. Worse than that. Sucky sucky.
"Me love you long time?" replies Shanahan.
No thanks, coach.
The Broncos were actually out-gained by the Ravens, 323 to 318, but won the battle of takeaways, four to one. However, with losses by the Chiefs and Chargers, the Broncos extended their lead in the AFC West back to two games.
Things aren't so rosy in Buffalo. The Bills are 4-9, and are struggling to score 15 points a game. In addition, wide receiver and team leader Eric Moulds was suspended for one game without pay for conduct detrimental to the team.
"I don't mind sitting out a game," says Moulds. "It's not like J.P. Losman is throwing me the ball, or anyone else, for that matter, except the opposition. Look at his stats from the New England game. He was 10-of-27 for 181 yards. He couldn't hit water if he jumped out of a Minnesota Vikings cruise boat. In fact, I think I was suspended for politely suggesting that Coach Mularkey replace Losman with Kelly Holcomb. Is that a crime?"
You're in luck, Eric. Losman is out with a shoulder injury, so Holcomb will get the start after all. That way, everyone is happy. At least until you set foot in Denver.
The Broncos rush for 180 yards, and Jake Plummer throws a touchdown pass to Rod Smith.
Broncos win, 26-13.
Arizona @ Houston
The Texans suffered another close defeat, this time losing as Rob Bironas kicked a 21-yard field goal with 10 seconds left to give the Titans a 13-10 victory. Houston had a chance to tie after a long kickoff return and a penalty, but Kris Brown hooked a 31-yard attempt to end the game.
"If you look in the box score," says Texans head coach Dom Capers, "you'll see that Brown's kick was officially listed as (WL), or 'wide left.' But let's be honest. That kick should have been listed at least as 'WWWL.' That kick was so far left it almost hit the pylon in the end zone. People keep saying we're finding ways to lose. To our credit, we usually don't have to look very hard."
It's true, Dom. If losing were a magnet, you would be steel. That's why the Texans are keeping you around, to avoid disaster. Disaster, in Houston's case, would be winning and losing the number one pick in the draft.
The Cardinals won't be far behind the Texans in the draft. And with their pick, don't you think they might take a running back. Arizona is last in the league in rushing.
"Since when do you have to run the ball to be successful in this league?" asks Cardinals coach Dennis Green.
Ah, since about, forever.
"Great!" replies Green. "Then we'll take a running back. Besides Reggie Bush, who else is out there?"
Who do I look like, Denny? Mel Kiper, Jr.?
Anyway, the Texans finally get that elusive second win with a 27-24 win.
Carolina @ New Orleans
The Panthers were on the verge of taking charge of the NFC South, needing a win over the Bucs last week to go to 10-4 and take a two-game lead in the division with two games remaining. So what do they do? They get thoroughly dominated by Tampa in Charlotte, losing 20-10.
"I didn't think it was possible," says Panthers head coach John Fox, "for a mammal such as a panther to lay an egg. But that's what we did. The panther is a cat — cats don't lay eggs. If you take the word 'Bucs' and add an 'r,' then rearrange the letter, you get 'scrub.' That's what we played like — a bunch of scrubs. That lost may have cost us a doggone home playoff game. But really, what good is a home playoff game if you can't win at home?"
"Hey, speaking of home games," says Saints head coach Jim Haslett, do we have any? Have we had any? I think the bottom line is this: it doesn't matter where we play, Aaron Brooks throws interception. I understand they displayed a statistic during Monday night's game that said Aaron has the second most TD passes of quarterbacks who were born on March 24, 1976, well behind Peyton Manning. Well, I'll bet anyone eight home games in the state of Louisiana that Aaron holds the record for most interceptions by quarterbacks born on March 24, 1976."
And you'd be right. I guess that's why Brooks is getting benched in favor of Todd Bouman.
Jake Delhomme throws two touchdown passes, and the Panthers beat the Saints, 26-17.
N.Y. Jets @ Miami
After their 23-21 upset of the Chargers last week, the Dolphins improved to 6-7, and trail the Patriots by two games in the AFC East. Now, I'm sure the Patriots aren't losing sleep on account of the Dolphins, but Miami is still a factor in the race for the division.
"I'm not looking past the Jets at all," says Miami head coach Nick Saban. "I'm here to announce my resignation for personal reasons. Actually, the new coach, Pat Riley, ordered me to resign and attribute it to 'personal reasons.' Coincidentally, Shaquille O'Neal just made his return to the lineup. What's that? The Miami Heat? I'm sorry. I've been mistaken. I'm not resigning. But Stan Van Gundy of the Heat is."
"Hey, my money's on the Dolphins," says actor David Caruso, Horatio Caine on CBS' CSI: Miami. I've got a bet with that punk Gary Sinise from CSI: New York. One grand and a guest spot on his show if the Dolphins win. This game is all about who has the best CSI program. What are there, about eight of them? Let's see, there's New York, Miami, Las Vegas, Compton, Peoria, Kalamazoo, Harlem, and my second favorite, CSI: Truth or Consequences, New Mexico."
Caruso's a tool. Doesn't he know Las Vegas is the original, and best, CSI. But he does have his money on the right team. The Dolphins are riding a three-game winning streak, and Chris Chambers is the hottest receiver in the game right now. Miami dominates Brooks Bollinger and the ailing Jets, and the Dolphins win, 22-10.
Philadelphia @ St. Louis
Before the season started, I bet a lot of people noticed this game on the schedule and said to themselves, "I bet this game could have huge playoff implications. Sweet! A rematch of the 2002 NFC Championship game." Other people may have seen this game on the schedule and thought to themselves, "I bet this will be a matchup of 5-8 teams going nowhere, and I bet Donovan McNabb and Marc Bulger will be injured, Terrell Owens will be suspended, and Mike Martz won't even be coaching." Those people would have been right, and should have there own television show, web site, or 1-900 phone number.
Anyway, the Eagles lost a tough 26-23 decision to the Giants in Philly, as Jay Feely's kick in overtime won it for the G-Unit.
"I don't know what surprised me more," says Eagles coach Andy Reid. "Jay Feely making a game-winning kick, or not being invited to Terrell Owens' birthday party last Monday in Atlantic City. Where's the love, T.O.? You invited Ray Lewis, and not me? I'm offended. I demand an apology. And while you're at it, send some flowers to Donovan McNabb."
Officially, McNabb was listed as "doubtful" to attend.
“First, I have to listen to T.O. criticize me,” says McNabb. “Now, the Philadelphia leader of the NAACP is talking junk. What's next? Is Momma going to stop bringing me Chunky Soup?”
The Rams Ryan Fitzpatrick suffered another tough day in his second start, tossing five interceptions against the Vikings.
"The education of Ryan Fitzpatrick continues," says St. Louis coach Joe Vitt. "He's getting a crash course in NFL quarterbacking, and I would have to give him a failing grade in last week's performance. Obviously, he spent more time on his studies at Harvard than he did on football. And that's too bad. Apparently, he also failed Priorities Straight 101. But at least he has that degree to fall back on. If he doesn't make it as a quarterback, he will 'fall back' to a job making 10 percent of what he does now."
The Eagles haven't won a road game since winning at Kansas City in Week 4. And that Philly team looked nothing like this one. Fitzpatrick throws two touchdown, and a Jeff Wilkins kick in the fourth gives the Rams a 24-22 win.
Pittsburgh @ Minnesota
"This time, it's payback," says Vikings head coach Mike Tice. "We owe the Steelers big time."
What do you mean, Mike? Are you bitter that the Steelers spanked the Vikings 16-6 in Super Bowl IX?
"Super Bowl IX?" asks Tice. "Man, that was 31 years ago. I wasn't even a Vikings fan, then. I fondly remember watching that game, though. My parents had one of the few color televisions in my neighborhood. I was charging five dollars a pop for my friends to watch that game on our television. That wasn't illegal. I was just taking advantage of suckers. Is that so different than scalping Super Bowl tickets? Anyway, back to the point. We owe the Steelers for beating the Bears, which allowed us to pull within one game of Chicago in the NFC North."
The Vikings have won six in a row, and, like the Steelers, are battling for a playoff position. Last week, Minnesota forced six turnovers and beat the Rams, 27-13. Meanwhile, the Steelers ran the ball down the Bears' throats on their way to a 21-9 win, which broke a three-game losing streak. Jerome Bettis ran for 117 yards and two touchdowns in the snow.
"It was the Double 'Touch' Bus," says Bettis. "That's like the 'Double Dutch Bus,' but with a little more weight behind, and the fare is free. Just ask Brian Urlacher. He rode the Bus from the three-yard line all the way to the end zone. Now, watch as I use this yardstick to prove that, yes, I am, in fact, wider than I am tall."
Bettis may defer to "Fast" Willie Parker on the turf in the Metrodome, but the Bus will surely see goal line action. The Steeler defense will force the Vikes to pass, then send their vaunted blitz after Brad Johnson.
Pittsburgh wins, 24-16.
San Diego @ Indianapolis
After whipping the Jaguars 26-18, the Colts are 13-0 and have clinched the home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. Now, all that remains is a perfect record and a Super Bowl win.
"Hey, Mercury Morris," says Peyton Manning. "We've been in your neighborhood for a while. We're on your front porch now. We're going to just sit here for a bit, sip on some iced tea, and make you and your 1972 Dolphin buddies nervous. Boy, how I wish we could play the current Dolphins on Monday Night Football. That would be a ratings bonanza, as well as another easy win for us. Do you feel the heat, 1972 Dolphins? The mercury is rising."
"Let me put Peyton's comments into perspective," says Indy head coach Tony Dungy. "On one hand, we want to be healthy for our playoff run to the Super Bowl. That would entail resting our starters, which entails pissing off millions of fantasy football owners throughout the galaxy. Not that I care. As a head coach, it is my duty to toy with the minds of those who play fantasy. I remember the good old days. When someone mentioned the word 'fantasy,' you knew it had something to do with a hot chick and pornographic material, and nothing to do with football. Where have all the good times gone? Now, on the other hand, we could continue to play our starters and shoot for 17-0. We surely don't want to lose our edge. Then again, we don't want to lose our Edge. So maybe Edgerrin James will sit. Either way, we'll still win."
Many people have said that this is the game the Colts are most likely to lose. And the Chargers are even more desperate for a win after last week's shocking loss to the Dolphins. Even so, the Colts have too much on both sides of the ball.
Colts win ,31-21.
Seattle @ Tennessee
After blitzing the 49ers 41-3, Seattle has now beaten its last two opponents by a combined score of 83-3, and are well on their way to securing home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.
"Wow! 83-3," says Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck. "That's awesome. Not many teams are capable of such a performance. The Colts could probably do it. And I bet USC or Texas could pull it off if they only had defenses. We could easily drop 40 on the Titans, and they could easily drop three, seven, 10, possibly 13 on us."
The Titans aren't likely to offer much resistance to the Seahawks. Seattle is still playing for home field throughout the playoffs, and the Titans have only managed sixteen points in their last two games. Their offense was virtually nonexistent in last week's 13-10 win over the Texans, and nearly half of those 13 points came on Adam Jones' 52-yard punt return for a touchdown in the third quarter.
"You give Pac Man a few quarters and he'll do anything," says Titans head coach Jeff Fisher. "I swear I thought I saw him eat a banana and a few cherries as he ran down the field on the way to the end zone. Pac Man is a physically-talented specimen, but he does have some mental issues. He swears he's being chased by ghosts."
With a win, Seattle clinches a first round bye. Expect them to achieve that midway through the second quarter, at the latest.
Seattle jumps on the Titans early, and wins, 29-16.
San Francisco @ Jacksonville
Jacksonville failed in their attempt to foil the Colts' bid for perfection, losing 26-18, but Jacksonville head coach Jack Del Rio was encouraged by his team's effort.
"We didn't quit," says Del Rio. "We played the Colts tough like we always do. We lost by seven the first time, and eight this time. Sooner or later, we'll find that extra touchdown. Besides, we really had nothing to gain by beating the Colts. It's not like we were going to catch them for the division lead. And a loss really doesn't hurt our playoff standing. It's been clear for weeks now that we would be the number five seed. And it's clear we'll be headed to New England in round one of the playoffs. We just have to take care of business in our last three games. It's a shame the 49ers will make a cross-country trip just to get their tails whipped. We'll certainly have a much easier time with Alex Smith than we did with Peyton Manning. If Manning is the Genghis Khan of quarterbacks, then Alex Smith must be the Chaka Khan of quarterbacks. Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan. Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays. Season's Beatings."
The Jags are all over Smith, causing four turnovers. Greg Jones rushes for a score, and David Garrard throws one TD pass.
Jacksonville wins, 27-6.
Cincinnati @ Detroit
Like just about every playoff contender in the league, except for the Colts and Seahawks, the Bengals look like Super Bowl challengers one week, and the next week, look like a team that struggles to beat a team such as the Browns 23-20. Already, Chad Johnson's bold prediction that the Bengals would score 40 points per game the rest of the way has proved wrong.
"Okay," says Johnson, "so we were 17 points short of 40 last week. But I said we would average 40 a game the rest of the way. So, if we score 57 against the Lions, we'll be right on pace. Anyway, we're just using this game in Detroit to acclimate ourselves to the Ford Field turf for our return trip here on February 5th for the Super Bowl. And, just like we do this Sunday, we'll beat an NFC team then, as well. Now, excuse me while I go remind Carson Palmer that I'm his go-to receiver, not T.J. Houshmanzedah. And my name is way easier to pronounce."
Unlike the Bengals, Detroit won't be going to the playoffs this year. So they certainly won't be going to the Super Bowl, at least as players.
"But I can give you a deluxe tour of Ford Field," says Lions receiver Roy "The Other Roy" Williams. "It's a state-of-the-art facility, with all the amenities and luxuries one would expect to find at a place hosting the Super Bowl. Everything here is top-notch, except the brand of football we play. And the coaching and management suck as well. Let me make a prediction: the Lions will have the ninth pick in the draft, and they will choose another highly-overrated receiver. If you're a receiver, and your last name is Williams, get ready, because you're headed to Detroit."
Last week, the Packers' Samkon Gado rushed for 171 yards against the Lions. This Sunday, Rudi Johnson, fresh off a career-best 169-yard effort, will look to expose the Lions. Once he does, things should open up downfield for Chad Johnson. Johnson grabs a Palmer TD pass, then celebrates by quoting General Douglas MacArthur in the Ford Field end zone.
"I shall return!" says Johnson.
Cincinnati wins, 27-17.
Cleveland @ Oakland
The Browns gave an inspired effort in defeat, falling to the Bengals on Shayne Graham's 37-yard field goal as time expired.
"Inspired and expired," says Browns head coach Romeo Crennel. "That's an interesting choice of words, and I'd like to pretend I'm in the third grade and use them in a sentence. I am inspired to name Charlie Frye the starter at quarterback for good, and Trent Dilfer's run as starter has expired."
Frye played well in his second straight start, rushing for a score and throwing for another, and outplayed Cincinnati's Carson Palmer.
"Not bad for a third round pick out of the University of Akron," says Frye. "What's Alex Smith of the 49ers earning this year? Or should I say, what are they paying him this year? I don't know, but I bet his agent's share was way more than my first-year salary. I think it's time for a holdout."
Raiders quarterback Marques Tuiasosopo's first start for Oakland didn't go too well. He threw two interceptions and lost two fumbles as the Raiders were waxed 26-10 by the Jets.
"I'd say the chances of Kerry Collins are pretty good," says Raiders coach Norv Turner. "Tuiasosopo may be more suited for use in a spelling bee than at quarterback."
Collins gets the nod, and will face a Browns defensive unit that held Palmer to only 93 yards passing. And Cleveland's Reuben Droughns should find room to run on the Raiders.
The Browns pull the upset, 21-19.
Dallas @ Washington
Cowboys quarterback Drew Bledsoe regained his early season form, throwing for 332 yards and three touchdowns as Dallas beat the Chiefs 31-28 to remain in solid playoff contention. Bledsoe out-dueled fellow 30-something quarterback Trent Green, who passed for 340 yards and a touchdown. Bledsoe was named the NFC's Offensive Player of the Week.
"Age is nothing but a number," says Bledsoe. "I feel just as good as I did when I was 24, although at my current age of 33 and due to a fair amount of concussions, I really don't remember the age of 24. I'm pretty sure I was playing football, and I'm pretty sure I was one of the slowest quarterbacks in the league. I'm just stunned that I wasn't chosen as a contestant on ABC's Dancing With the Stars. I'm sure it had something to do with failing the medical requirement. Darn these two left feet!”
If Bledsoe can remember all the way back to week two, he'll recall that the Cowboys dominated the 'Skins for nearly the entire game, and led 13-0 with five minutes left in the game. Then, it all crumbled for the Cowboys, as Mark Brunell threw two long touchdown passes to Santana Moss to give Washington a 14-13 win.
“Five minutes of funk,” says Dallas head coach Bill Parcells. “That's all it took for us to blow this game. It's bad enough that we let Moss burn us for one touchdown. But two? That's like letting Michael Irvin blame you for a crack pipe found in his car, then getting right back into that same car.”
This time, the Cowboys get the lead, and hold it for good.
Dallas wins, 20-13.
Atlanta @ Chicago
The Bears had their eight-game winning streak snapped by the Steelers 21-9 in Pittsburgh. It's only a 12-point loss, but in the world of Chicago football, any margin of victory or defeat greater than 10 points is a blowout.
"I guess you could say we were a little distracted," says Chicago head coach Lovie Smith. "Not by the Steelers, but by two of our own players. I'm talking about Olin Kreutz and Fred Miller. Anytime you have two guys on the field who got into a fight at an FBI shooting range, then you've got to be wary of them. Aren't you just asking for trouble if you get in a fight at an FBI shooting range? Are these guys rappers? I'm guessing it didn't take long for the feds to arrive at the scene."
The Falcons disposed of the Saints 36-17 on Monday night, as Michael Vick rushed for two touchdowns and threw for another. However, Vick was knocked out of the game by a late hit in the fourth quarter and is now suffering from bruised ribs. Coach Jim Mora insists Vick will be ready Sunday night in Chicago.
"Well, I know what our pre-game meal will be," says Bears defensive end Alex Brown. "Ribs! I want my baby-back, baby-back, baby-back."
With sore ribs, Vick's mobility will be limited. And with a low temperature of eight degrees forecast for Sunday night in Chicago, the pain will be severe when he takes a hit and/or falls to the turf. The Bears will load up to stop the run and force Vick to pass, which he can't do with consistency.
Chicago wins, 18-9.
Green Bay @ Baltimore
I guess the schedulers for Monday Night Football overestimated the success of the Packers and Ravens this year. Severely. If you're one of those lucky viewers on the West Coast, this game will be over by nine o'clock local time, and you can then enjoy WWE Raw or Nanny 911 and not have to worry about missing any football.
"I love those shows," says Ravens head coach Brian Billick. "Is there such a show as Quarterback 911? Because the quarterback situation here is in a state of emergency. There's not? Well, is "Dr. Death" Jack Kevorkian still making house calls? No? Well then, would San Diego's Phillip Rivers or Tennessee's Billy Volek be willing to play in Baltimore?"
The 3-10 Packers against the 4-9 Ravens obviously is not the matchup ABC had hoped for. But there is still plenty to watch for. Can Brett Favre will himself to a big game against a still-potent Ravens defense? Are Kyle Boller's days as a starter in Baltimore numbered? Can Jamal Lewis average more than two yards a carry? Is Samkon Gado the real deal?
“There's a classic rock tune by Iron Butterfly called 'In-A-Gado-Da-Vida,'” says Favre. “I don't think Iron Butterfly knew it at the time, but they were prophesizing about a savior who would appear and rescue the Packers. That would be Samkon Gado. I know it sounds far-fetched. A football player from Nigeria is far-fetched in its own right. But a football player from Nigeria ending up in Green Bay, Wisconsin? Now that is far-fetched. We're going to ride this Gado-mobile for all he's worth.”
In a defensive struggle, both defenses negate the running games. That leaves the game in the hands of the quarterbacks. Favre fires bullets — Boller shoots blanks.
The Packers win, 17-9.
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