Yippee! The shootout is here to stay in the NHL, baby!
The players love it, according to Newsday's Mark Herrman, via FoxSports.com: "Even the losers liked it. Even the people who hated it liked it. That is lucky because they are going to have to learn to live with it. The shootout is here to stay. Lucky for all of us! When a shootout starts, everybody is a fan."
The media loves it, according to ESPN's John Buccigross: "The shootout is here to stay. When the Rangers/Capitals shootout was going on, every TV in the ESPN newsroom was on. It's getting people talking about hockey. It's showing off skill." (What, no forced reference to an obscure '80s hair metal band? Our loss...)
And the fans? The fans adore the shootout, like little children fawning over a newborn panda bear. Look how they all stand up and cheer during the shootout! (Okay, they do the same thing for a fight or when they shoot t-shirts in the crowd, but you get the point.) Look at the huge jump in attendance during October and November; record-setting months for the NHL!
(Sure, that might have something to do with hockey being absent for a year, or the dramatic reduction in ticket prices, or the new rules that have made the games more offensive, or the fact that the unbalanced schedule has created more games between division and geographic rivals earlier in the season ... but you get the point.)
Look at the numbers for OLN, which boasts over 225,000 viewers on average each broadcast, each of them obviously watching three periods of hockey just to see if the game will reach that moment of unparalleled drama and athletic accomplishment: the super-duper fantangalisticly stupendous shootout!
Now, I'm one of those silly dillies that didn't like it at first. Hockey columnist/self-made maven Stan Fischler called people like me "sour pusses" and "media Grinches." (By the way, Stan: keep trying to make that "Der Bingle" nickname stick on Sidney Crosby. Nothing captures the hip, young image of the NHL better than a 50-year-old reference to a Christmas crooner. And nothing makes a hockey columnist look older than the barnacles on the hull of Noah's Ark, either.)
In fact, right here in this very column, I've bemoaned that the ultimate team game is artificially narrowed down to a guy and a goalie in its most critical juncture — that the winner of a hockey game can be determined without a single pass having to be completed or a single defenseman on the ice is a travesty. (I guess back-skated to defend a two-on-one breakaway isn't a "skill" in Bucci's world.) I've slammed the shootout as a gimmick that tarnishes the reputation, fairness, and competitive nature of the sport. Perhaps I've even opined that I haven't seen one shootout that matches the intensity and hockey skill I've witnessed in just five minutes of four-on-four overtime hockey.
But that was when I was looking at the shootout as a sporting event.
It's only now, months later, that I've seen the light. The shootout isn't about hockey; it's about: F-U-N!!!!
Gosh, what a poopie head I was being! Here I was thinking that if you're going to reward two points to the winner of a game, the end of the game better damn well resemble the first 65 minutes. But that's just silly "media Grinch" talk!
Think about that shootout game between the Rangers and Capitals a few weeks ago. Did you see Marek Malik's unbelievable goal to win it? Talk about F-U-N! Here's a 6-foot-6 defenseman, who up until that point hadn't really shown an iota of offensive skill in the NHL, and he scores a highlight reel goal that I'm pretty sure brought Jagr to climax. Seriously, it was so good that, for about 15 minutes, the sports talk stations in New York actually stopped discussing the Mets' pitching rotation to talk about hockey.
Never mind the fact that the 15 rounds of shootout could have instead been a prolonged four-on-four sudden death overtime under goal-friendly "new" NHL rules. And never mind that Malik's goal is no different that a jaw-dropping move in the NBA's slam dunk exhibition: an athletic feat that could never be repeated in an actual competition because it's flashy sideshow garbage.
It was super duper candy-coated F-U-N!
A few days later, a "media Grinch" by the name of Larry Brooks wrote in his NY Post column that NBC or another of the NHL's many television partners might one day force the league to adopt the shootout in the Stanley Cup playoffs. Instead of endless iron-man overtime sessions to decide the winner of the most dramatic tournament in professional sports, games would have a nice, tidy ending with six skaters shooting at two goalies for 10 minutes.
For some reason, his column didn't really sit well with hockey fans, who scurried to their computer keyboards like bugs scattering from a RAID bomb. Suddenly, the same fans who loved the shootout were now treating it like Starr Jones treats a salad bar. Like these guys on the Hockey's Future message boards:
"That's the day I stop watching hockey. And I mean it." — Garfield
"There would be no way that the NHL could withstand the uproar if that happened. Hell, just this rumor ought to spark a massive emailing just for good measure so they know we won't stand for it." — Norrisnick.
"i'd be pretty pissed, i always love staying up watching multi ot games." — Dwayne Roloson, who I imagine is not Minnesota Wild goalie Dwayne Roloson, only because a NHL player would be sure to capitalize "I."
Hokey smokes! What a bunch of "fan Grinches"!
Commissioner Gary "Steroids? What Steroids?" Bettman has said the shootout won't be used in the postseason. But why not? It's sooooooooo much fun! And really, what's the point of awarding the most coveted trophy in all of sports if the casual fans flipping between poker and the Cup finals can't get their shootout fix?
I think I've identified the problem. I think the problem is that the shootout, for all its wondrous joys, just isn't F-U-N enough, especially to keep the hockey newbies coming back for more. We need to figure out how to make it even more F-U-N, and pronto!
Let me put my marketing genius thinking cap on...what do people find fun? Baby panda bears. But how can we use a baby panda bear to determine the winner of a hockey game? Have them fight the mascots? That's just stupid.
Dancing girls. People love dancing girls. And having them on the ice ... let's just say we'll see more high-beams than someone doing 35 in the left lane of the New Jersey Turnpike. (There's a reason Letterman keeps his studio so cold, remember.) But to decide a hockey game ... maybe not.
Wait, I got it. What's the one problem with the shootout? If you guessed a lack of unpredictability, give yourself a 2004-05 NHL pocket schedule. We know the game is going to end with one guy skating at a goalie. The "when" and "why" are always answered — we need the "how," and I'm not talking about Gordie.
So what's something unpredictable that people find F-U-N?
Game show wheels!
After the five-minute, four-on-four overtime (which we can actually cut down to like 1:30, because everyone just wants to see the shootout anyway), we bring out a giant "Price is Right"-style wheel to center ice. Each team captain skates out to it, and the referee grabs a long stick microphone and skates out to join them. The home team captain spins the wheel to determine the overtime finale (talk about a home-ice advantage) as the crowd just goes psychotically nuts with excitement.
Since fans, players, and journalists universally adore the shootout, let's make that one of the spots. Then we should add the rest of the skills exhibitions from the all-star game, which obviously should be just as effective and fair in determining the winner of a team game as the current skills competition the NHL is using in overtime. That means spots for fastest skater, puck control relay, hardest shot (damn Al MacInnis for retiring), and of course the shot accuracy competition, which has awesome potential for sponsorship opportunities. (Targets sponsored by Target? Genius!)
But that won't be enough for an entire wheel. This is going to take some out-of-the-box ideas, such as:
Tricycle Races — Is there anything more F-U-N than seeing two fans try to race around traffic cones on the ice between periods? Now imagine that hilarity with two players in full pads, only with the drama of having an entire game resting on three little wheels!
"Splinter Cell" Battle —The only thing hotter than the NHL shootout these days are professional video gamers. (It's only, like, the new Texas Hold'em or something.) So set up a pair of Xbox 360s (product placement, baby!) at center ice, pick three players from each team, and have a little multi-player shoot'em up! Put the games on the arena video screens, and watch the crowd go wild!
Goalie Fights —Now, I know fighting is sort of frowned upon in the "new" NHL. But having two goalies go at it in the middle of the rink should be fine — it's more comical than violent. They wear so much padding, it'll be like two manatees wrestling. And really, isn't it about time someone gave Ron Hextall a reason to make another comeback?
SCORE-O — Now we're talking! This is the game they have between periods where fans come down to the ice and try to shoot the puck through a small hole at the bottom of a piece of cardboard covering the net. Not only does the crowd scream and cheer on every attempt; they also boo those who completely miss the net! Imagine the skill NHL players will bring to this amazing athletic competition? Just like between periods, the winners get their names put in a drawing for a new car...unless Sidney Crosby is shooting, in which case he's vying for a mountain bike. (Age restrictions, you know.)
Carnival Basketball Toss — Seriously, do you know how much dough those carnival games with the crooked hoop pull in? The winning team gets two points and a stuffed SpongeBob for their kids. Plus, Gary Bettman's dream of turning hockey into basketball comes closer to realization.
Super-Duper Mega Shootout —This is even more F-U-N than a regular shootout! It's the same concept, only there are two shooters on every scoring chance and NO GOALIES. It's like every dream Mario [Lemieux] ever had.
The shootout has shown me — cynical, jaded sports journalist that I am — that it's okay to let go everything I hold sacred about team sports and the century-old traditions of the National Hockey League, and embrace the paltry pleasures of this skills competition.
I somehow feel free, like a player sprung from the box after serving his ninth penalty of the first period in the "new" NHL.
Suddenly, I don't feel so ... Grinchly anymore.
You're a rotter, Media Grinch/
You're the king of sinful sots/
Your heart's a dead tomato splot/
With moldy purple spots/
Media Grinnnnch/
You're as deplorable as a trap-filled hockey playoff game/
With only 10 shots!
Greg Wyshynski is the Features Editor for SportsFan Magazine in Washington, DC, and the Senior Sports Editor for The Connection Newspapers of Northern Virginia. His book "Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History" will be published in Spring 2006. His columns appear every Saturday on Sports Central. You can e-mail Greg at [email protected].
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