Note: the quotes in this article are fictional.
Chicago @ Pittsburgh
The Steelers suffered a devastating defeat last week, losing 38-31 to the Bengals in Pittsburgh. Whereas a win would have placed them in the division lead, the Steelers now find themselves scrambling to make the playoffs. Ben Roethlisberger, playing with an injured thumb, passed for 386 yards and three touchdowns, but also threw three costly interceptions. Big Ben is probable for Sunday's game against the 8-3 Bears.
"Ben's officially probable," says the Steelers Bill Cowher, "but realistically, he'll play regardless of the health of his thumb. Even if he loses that thumb in a horrible kitchen accident, Ben will play. I just can't see starting Tommy Maddox against the Bears. The Bears force enough turnovers on their own — they don't need Tommy giving them away."
The Bears have won eight straight, and are the second hottest team in the league besides the Colts. Chicago's latest victims were the Packers and Brett Favre. The Packers fell 19-7, as Favre threw two interceptions, the last of which was intercepted by Bears cornerback Nathan Vasher, who returned it 45 yards for the game-clinching touchdown.
"Did I set an NFL record for return touchdowns?" asks Vasher. "Brett seemed to throw that one right to me. I kind of felt like Michael Strahan when Brett laid down to give him the season sack record a couple of years ago."
In addition to Vasher's return, Charles Tillman returned Favre's other interception 95 yards to set up a field goal. And whoever starts for the Steelers, whether it be Ben Roethlisberger with an injured thumb, or Tommy Maddox feeling his best, interceptions will be thrown. And the interception return is basically the Bears offense.
Chicago shows the Steelers what a real defense is all about.
Bears win, 16-7.
Cleveland @ Cincinnati
The Browns organization got a brief glimpse of the future last Sunday, when second-year quarterback Charlie Frye connected with rookie wide receiver Braylon Edwards for two second quarter touchdowns, giving the Browns a 14-3 lead over the favored Jaguars. The Jaguars stormed back with 17 third quarter points to complete the 20-14 comeback. The news got worse for Cleveland when they learned that Edwards was lost for the year with a torn ACL suffered in the fourth quarter.
"Hey, it could have been worse," says Browns head coach Romeo Crenel. "Braylon could have hurt himself wrecking a motorcycle in a parking lot like Kellen Winslow."
The Bengals won their biggest game of the year, beating the Steelers 38-31 to all but wrap up the AFC North. The win so excited Bengals receiver Chad Johnson that he guaranteed that Cincy would beat the Colts in the AFC Championship game.
"Is anyone surprised?" asks Johnson. "You know I can't keep quiet, especially after not scoring a touchdown in my previous game. Like Joseph Stalin and Gandhi, I'm the cult of personality. And so what if the Colts decide to make my statement bulletin board material? If they do, then they are assuming that they themselves will be playing in the AFC Championship Game. I'm paying them a compliment by saying they will be in the championship game. If they don't like it, they can shove it. Or sue me. All I want for Christmas is a Super Bowl. And two more gold teeth."
The Bengals win 30-18 and continue their drive to the AFC North crown and a #2 seed in the playoffs.
Johnson grabs a second quarter TD pass, then celebrates by soliciting a threesome with two members of the Cincinnati cheerleading squad, also known as the "Bada-Bengals."
Houston @ Tennessee
The Texans lost a heartbreaker for the second straight week, this time losing to the Ravens on Matt Stover's 38-yard field goal with six seconds left. The Texans allowed the Ravens to go 67 yards in under a minute to set up Stover's kick.
"That's totally unacceptable," says Texans head coach Dom Capers. "You know, that kind of performance can get a defensive coordinator fired. That's what's wrong with this team. No one is being held accountable for our 1-11 record. We need people to step up and take responsibility. I think management needs to grow a pair and fire some people. Just not me. I'm just the head coach. I really don't make any decisions here, although I do tell our captains to always call 'tails' at the coin toss."
Here's the deal, Dom. Texans management is brilliant. There's this thing called the "number one pick in the draft" that rewards the NFL's worst team. As long as you remain as head coach, Houston is guaranteed to continue losing and, therefore, secure the number one pick. So, keep up the good work. Bush's are big in Texas. USC's Reggie Bush could be the biggest, and easily the smartest, Bush in Texas.
"You know what's funny?" asks Titans coach Jeff Fisher. "Houston's owner is named Bob McNair. My quarterback is named Steve McNair. I don't know who's more ineffective: Bob as an owner, or Steve as a quarterback last week against the Colts."
McNair has an easier time against the Texans, and Tennessee wins, 23-17 .
Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
The Colts remained undefeated with a 35-3 thrashing of the Titans, as Indianapolis became only the fifth team in history to start the season 12-0. More importantly, the Colts clinched a spot in the playoffs.
"We did?" asks Peyton Manning. "I guess we've been so caught up in going undefeated that we totally forgot that our first goal was to clinch a playoff spot. Honestly, I thought we did that in about week eight. It's all kind of anticlimactic, isn't it? Which would describe exactly the situation should we go undefeated and not win the Super Bowl. But that's not going to happen, is it, unless the Patriots have a huge surprise for us in round two of the playoffs."
The Jaguars won their fifth in a row, 20-14 over the Browns in Cleveland. It was Jacksonville's third straight road win, but those three wins are against teams with a current combined record of 11-25. And they've only beaten those teams by an average of just under six points. Are the Jaguars even playoff-worthy?
"Are you kidding me?" a perturbed Jack Del Rio says. "Statements like that are apt to send me into a fit of rage, and when J.D.R. goes into a fit of rage, everyone gets chewed out. Just ask my players. They heard words last Sunday, after falling behind the Browns 14-3 at the half, that would make Quentin Tarrantino blush. Anyway, the Jaguars are playoff-worthy. We could finish 12-4 and not even get a bye. Put us in the NFC, and that would get us home field throughout the playoffs. But our minds are on the Colts. This is the biggest game in Jacksonville in a long time. I've got several complimentary tickets available, so anyone willing to pay a hefty price for those tickets should contact me, or my associate, Mike Tice."
The Jaguars seem to have the blueprint for slowing down the Colts, so expect this game to be scrutinized by coaches around the league. The Jags held the Colts to 10 points in Week 2, but the Colts held the Jags to three points. This time, expect the same outcome, but with a different score.
Colts win, 27-10.
New England @ Buffalo
Last week, the Bills jumped out to a 21-0 first quarter lead against the Dolphins on three J.P. Losman-to-Lee Evans touchdown passes. The Bills added a safety in the third quarter, then surrendered three touchdowns to the Dolphins in the fourth quarter to lose 24-23.
"We got a complete quarter out of our offense," says Bills head coach Mike Mularkey, "and three complete quarters from our defense. One quarter and three quarters equal one dollar. And what does a dollar buy these days? A gallon of gas? No. A gallon of milk? No. A gallon of malt liquor? Almost. The standard tip at a below-average strip club? Yes. It won't, however, buy me a complete game."
The Patriots pounded the Jets 16-3 to maintain their two-game lead in the AFC East over the Dolphins. Defensive end Richard Seymour was critical of New England fans, saying they cheered more when a Victoria's Secret model was shown on the Titan-tron than they cheered for anything the team did all day. Let me tell you something, Seymour. If you're only beating the Jets 16-3, then that's not even cheer-worthy. And you're a player. What are you doing looking at a Victoria's Secret model on the screen? Shouldn't you be paying attention to the game?
"She was incredibly hot," says Seymour.
As soon as the Patriots wrap up the East, they can start resting players. That could come sooner than any other AFC team, except the Colts, would be able to start resting their players. The Patriots are the No. 4 seed right now, and won't likely improve on that. While the Bengals, Broncos, Jaguars, Chargers, and Chiefs battle for position, the Pats could get healthy, and possibly make a run in the playoffs. A Patriot win, coupled with a Miami loss, gives the division-title to New England.
Brady throws two touchdown passes, and Corey Dillon proves his nagging injuries are healing by grinding out a tough 95 yards and a touchdown.
New England wins, 23-13.
Oakland @ N.Y. Jets
What's up in New York and Oakland? Well, besides the number of losses by the Jets and Raiders, not much, except for the blood pressure and alcohol consumption of diehard fans. The Jets are 2-9 and last in the AFC East, while the Raiders are 4-8, bringing up the rear in the AFC West.
"And speaking of 'bringing up the rear,'" says Raiders receiver Randy Moss, "that's what I do during team sprints. I'm so injured, even the offensive lineman are beating me. Or maybe I'm just lazy. I only run hard on two occasions: when the police are after me, and when I have an appointment to get my cornrows or have my 'fro picked out. Does it matter, though? I was brought here for one reason, and that was to sell jerseys."
The Raiders are considering a quarterback change after having lost four of their last five. Marques Tuiasosopo is set to get the start over the struggling Kerry Collins, who has thrown seven interceptions in his last four games.
"Tuiasosopo," says Raiders head coach Norv Turner. "That guy's got more syllables in his name than we have wins. And, judging by that name, he's got a little Samoan in him, and, right now, Samoans are the hottest thing in the NFL. You've got the Steelers' Troy Polamalu and the Seahawks' Lofa Tatupu tearing up the league on defense. We need to have a little Samoan representation on offense."
Tuiasosopo gets the start, and has a decent game, throwing for one touchdown. The Raiders shut down a severely-depleted Jets offense, and Lamont Jordan rushes for a score.
Oakland wins, 27-13.
St. Louis @ Minnesota
St. Louis quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick learned the hard way that not everyone is impressed by a Harvard education, especially the Redskins, who harassed Fitzpatrick into a forgettable 163-yard outing as Washington dominated, 24-9.
"A diploma to some ritzy East Coast school don't mean jack in my book," says Redskins linebacker Lavar Arrington. "Although I was quite impressed with Thornton Melon, played by Rodney Dangerfield, and his successful quest to earn a diploma at an unnamed East Coast college in the 1986 classic Back to School. And boy did he nail that Triple Lindy off the high dive for the dive team. Anyway, Fitzpatrick may be able to blind most people with science, but we blinded him with blitzes, disguised coverages, and good, hard hits upside his oversized head."
The Vikings have won five straight, and, at 7-5, are making a serious playoff push. Minnesota is impressing with their play, and not their off-the-field shenanigans.
"We want to make people forget about the cruise ship incident," says Vikings cornerback Fred Smoot, "although we'd rather not forget. It would be difficult anyway, since we've made countless copies on video and been featured on the Internet's most explicit sites. Look for us on the new DVD Viking Shipmates and Playmates: Girls Gone Wild on the High Seas."
That's listed first on my Christmas list, Fred.
The Rams gave up 100 yards to two Washington backs, Clinton Portis and Rock Cartwright. So, you know the Vikings can run the ball. And quarterback Brad Johnson will do the rest.
Minnesota wins, 28-17.
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
Last week, the Panthers spanked the Falcons 24-6 to run their division record to 2-1 and staked their claim to the NFC South title. The Panthers' win knocked the Falcons two games out of the division lead, and a Carolina win over Tampa this Sunday will do the same to the Bucs.
"We showed the Falcons that we own this division," says Panthers running back DeShaun Foster. "And we plan to show Bucs who the boss is, with apologies to Bruce Springsteen and Tony Danza, of course."
Panthers receiver Steve Smith found the end zone after three games without a touchdown reception, then entertained/disgusted with a unique celebration is which he pretended to wipe a baby's behind, with the football being the baby.
"It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it," says Smith. "Why not me? It's about time someone babied the football. Players are always spiking the football, slamming it over the crossbar, or spinning it, like I have been known to do. If you were spiked, slammed, or spun, you'd crap your pants, too."
The Bucs beat the Saints 10-3 in Baton Rouge, in a game witnessed by only 34,411 fans. Chris Simms hit Joey Galloway with a 30-yard touchdown strike for the game's only touchdown.
"I've practiced in front of more people than that when I was at the University of Texas," says Simms. "But did anyone really miss anything? Thirteen points between two teams? I bet half of those 34,000 fans were gone by game's end. That leaves 17,000. That's about the number of people that show up each year to watch Longhorn players get their physicals."
And speaking of Longhorns, Chris, is there anyone out there, not affiliated with the University of Texas, who thinks Mack Brown can lead Texas, or any team, for that matter, to a national championship?
Smith scores a touchdown, and Simms feels the wrath of the Panthers defense.
Carolina knocks the Bucs two games out of the division lead with a 20-14 win.
N.Y. Giants @ Philadelphia
The Giants won the latest battle for control of the NFC East, grinding out a 17-10 over the Cowboys, despite a lackluster day from quarterback Eli Manning and another missed field goal from Jay Feely. Manning was only 12-for-31 for 152 yards and two interceptions and no touchdowns.
"All I know is this," says Manning. "At least we won the game. I guarantee the Colts wouldn't win if Peyton posted stats like that. We're the Giants. The game is obviously not safe in the hands of our kicker, and I guess it's not safe in my hands, either. Thank goodness for Tiki Barber and our defense."
Consider yourselves lucky, Giants. At least you have only one quarterback who threw two interceptions — the Eagles had two of those last Monday. Mike McMahon threw two, both of which were returned for touchdowns. Then, Koy Detmer relieved McMahon and threw two interceptions of his own.
"Yes, Donovan McNabb is recovering well from surgery," says Eagles coach Andy Reid, "and I have already named him starter for next year's season-opener. What's that? No one asked me about Donovan? Well, someone did ask if I saw anything positive about our quarterback play on Monday. And I did. I'm positive that Donovan will be our starter next year."
In the meantime, Philly mobsters Vinnie and Joey (last names withheld at their request) have made their Christmas list and are checking it twice.
"Let's see," says Vinnie. "Cement. Check. Okay, that's everything. Hey, Joey. Now all we need is McMahon and Detmer's addresses, and the location of an isolated and deep body of water."
"Got it," says Joey. "Hey, I heard the Eagles finally deactivated Terrell Owens. Well, I'll tell you this, Vin-Man. T.O. won't be officially deactivated until he's 'deactivated' Vinnie- and Joey-style. Hoo ha!"
Manning throws a touchdown pass, and Tiki Barber rushes for a score. The Giants' defense shuts down the Philly offense, which is further depleted by an injured Brian Westbrook.
New York wins, 23-9.
San Francisco @ Seattle
The Seahawks clinched the NFC West division last week ... without even playing. The Rams' loss on Sunday officially gave Seattle the division, and the Seahawks blasted the Eagles 42-0 on Monday to put the icing on the cake.
"'Tis the season of giving," says Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck, "and the teams of the NFC East have been especially generous. Two weeks ago, the Giants' Jay Feely missed three field goals, practically handing us the win. Then, the Redskins beat the Rams, allowing us to clinch the West. Then the Eagles lay an egg while handing us three touchdowns. And, oh yeah, I almost forgot. In Week 7, Dallas' Drew Bledsoe handed us an interception that we turned in to immediate victory. I love those guys!"
The 49ers lost to the Cardinals 17-10 last week, their second loss to Arizona this year.
"But first in America!" says 49ers quarterback Alex Smith, who casually tossed three interceptions to the Cardinals last Sunday. "We have to be the first team in history to be beaten by the same team twice, each time in a different country. The 49ers are known for losing, and now, we're known for losing internationally. "
The Seahawks are front-runners for home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. With only two losses, Seattle currently holds the edge over the three-loss Bears and Panthers.
Shaun Alexander rushes for two scores, and the Seahawks roll, 28-10.
Washington @ Arizona
Joe Gibbs is a little confused.
"Didn't we just play the Cardinals in St. Louis?" asks Gibbs.
No, Joe. You played the Rams in St. Louis.
"The Rams?" replies a confused Gibbs. "We were in Los Angeles? I could have sworn I was in St. Louis game-planning for Jim Hart and Terry Metcalf. What year is it? Didn't my driver, Richard Petty, just win the NASCAR championship?"
Joe, it's 2005, and yes, your driver won the NASCAR championship, but it was Tony Stewart.
Anyway, the Cardinals used to be in St. Louis, but now they are in Arizona. And if you are game-planning, Joe, it should be a short session. The Cards can't run the ball, but they can pass the ball, and when they do, quarterback Kurt Warner almost always throws to Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald.
"Yeah, those two guys are awesome," says Gibbs. "Boldin is big, fast, and a serious deep threat. Fitzgerald is big, a great leaper, and I like his hair. Seriously, I think dreadlocks would really look cool under my Redskins cap. But, we just plan to cover those guys one-on-one, and blitz the daylights out of Warner. I foresee about three interceptions, five sacks, a stretcher, blurred vision, and a loss of short-term memory in the future for Kurt."
Washington's defense will be too much for the Cards to handle, and Clinton Portis and Santana Moss should find success offensively.
Redskins win, 26-17.
Baltimore @ Denver
So Mike Shanahan, how do you feel about instant replay?
"I love it on my TiVo," says Shanahan, "but not when it costs me a shot at beating the Chiefs. Instant replay is great, except when it works against me. As far as I'm concerned, Dick Vermeil can take that red flag, tie it around his neck, and go run with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain."
In case you missed it, the Broncos were driving, down 31-27, when Mike Anderson apparently got a first down on 4th-and-1. The Chiefs, however, challenged the spot of the ball, and the officials determined that Anderson was stopped short.
"After further review," says Shanahan, "I'm extremely pissed off."
Denver should bounce back against a Ravens squad that struggled mightily just to beat the Texans, the league's worst team. Baltimore running back Jamal Lewis only managed 17 yards on eight carries in the Ravens' 16-15 victory.
"Jamal Lewis? Huh! He's running more like Jerry Lewis," says Ravens head coach Brian Billick. "Is this the same guy who rushed for over 2,000 yards and 295 yards in one game? You would think prison would harden a guy, and make him tougher. Jamal seems to have gone soft. I think somebody made Jamal their bitch in the slammer. And he supposedly wants a new contract. I don't think Jamal will be with the Ravens next year. Heck, I don't think I will be with the Ravens next year."
Mike Anderson rushes for a score, and Jake Plummer throws a touchdown pass to Rod Smith.
Broncos win, 23-6.
Kansas City @ Dallas
The last time the Cowboys had Indians over for company, they were shocked by the Redskins, who scored on two long passes to Santana Moss in the fourth quarter to beat the 'Boys 14-13. Now, the Chiefs bring their arrowheaded helmets to Texas Stadium for a game that both teams realize as a "must-win" situation. Both teams are fighting for division titles, at best, and wildcard berths, at worst.
"I've just got to make one tearful plea," says Chiefs head coach Dick Vermeil. "Mommas, don't let your babies grow up to be Cowboys. More to the point, mommas, don't let your babies grow up to be Michael Irvin. And mommas, don't let your babies grow up to be crack addicts who leave their pipes in Michael Irvin's car. What's a crack pipe, anyway? Isn't that something you'd find on an overweight plumber whose pants hang a little too low on his ample back side?"
I don't know, Dick. But I do know this: the loser of this can kiss their playoff hopes goodbye.
Dallas lost last week 17-10 to the Giants, which was their largest margin of loss this year. Dallas' five losses have come by a total of 20 points.
"We've had some tough losses," says the Cowboys Bill Parcells. "And that can wear on players and a coach. Actually, I've considered retiring this year more times than I've actually retired in the past. And that's a lot. We're going to do everything we can to win this game. If we don't, then you all will see that tired, haggard look on my face that you see after any Cowboy loss."
Kansas City's Larry Johnson has rushed for over 100 yards the last five weeks, including 140 against Denver's then No. 1-rated unit last week. He'll make it six, as the Chiefs edge the Coyboys, 23-21.
Miami @ San Diego
Miami's Chris Chambers caught 15 passes for 238 yards against the Bills, the last reception coming with six seconds left to give the Dolphins a come-from-behind, 24-23 win over the Bills. Chambers set franchise records for receptions and yards receiving.
"I can't take all the credit for this victory," says Chambers. "Sage Rosenfels was incredible in relief of Gus Frerotte. And I didn't have the only TD reception. Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams both had receptions for scores. All of those guys deserve a high-five."
"I love me a high-five," says Williams. "That's 40 minutes after my favorite time of the day, 4:20."
The win left the Dolphins two games behind the Patriots in the AFC East, making the playoffs a possibility, albeit a slim one. San Diego's playoff hopes, on the other hand, are not quite as slim. Right now, the Chargers would qualify as the sixth seed by virtue of a head-to-head win over the Chiefs. However, their remaining schedule is not what you would call favorable. After Miami, San Diego plays at Indianapolis, then at Kansas City, and finishes at home against Denver. Win those all, and, of course, you're in. Heck, you might even be division champion. That Week 16 match-up in Kansas City could be for that final spot.
"One game at a time," says San Diego coach Marty Schottenheimer. "We can't look too far ahead. There's thousands of other clichés I could use to describe our situation, and believe me, I know them all, because cliché is like a second language to me. We know the Dolphins have beaten two AFC West opponents already, so we're not looking past them or taking them lightly. See, I just used two more clichés right there."
LaDainian Tomlinson rushes for a score, and Drew Brees throws for two touchdowns.
Chargers win, 30-10.
Detroit @ Green Bay
The coaching change in Detroit did little good, as the Lions lost to the Vikings 21-16 with Dick Jauron taking over for the deposed Steve Mariucci. Could it be that the problem is the quarterbacking, and not the coaching? Or maybe it's not the coaching. Maybe its president and CEO Matt Millen. Apparently, at least one fan thinks so. That would be the guy who displayed a makeshift cardboard sign that read "Fire Millen." And judging by the cheers and high-fives the guy received, he's not alone in his thoughts.
"It's Ford Field policy not to allow signs or banners of any sort," says Millen, consulting with his director of player personnel, Magic 8-Ball. "However, if that opinionated fan wants to come in to my office and tell me to my face that I need to be fired, he's certainly welcome, and he definitely won't be the first, or the last. Shoot, I might even sign him to the team."
The Packers hung tight with the Bears, trailing only 12-7 in the fourth quarter until Brett Favre threw an interception that was returned for a score by Nathan Vasher.
"That's the strongest defense I've seen in awhile," says Favre. "And those two interceptions were the longest completions I've tossed in awhile. I threw two passes to the Bears for 140 yards. That's way more than Kyle Orton. He threw six passes to the Bears for only 68 yards. That's the question Michael Irvin should have asked. Not 'Would the Eagles be better with Brett Favre at quarterback?' but 'Would the Bears be better with Brett Favre at quarterback?' The answer is 'yes,' but I don't think the Bears really need a quarterback at all. When their quarterback's on the field, their defense is off the field. That's not good."
The Packers are better than their 2-10 record would indicate. They should have three wins. And they will after they beat the Lions at Lambeau. Favre throws for 220 yards and two TDs. Samkon Gado rushes for a score, and Green Bay wins, 24-14.
New Orleans @ Atlanta
The Saints and Falcons both loss to divisional foes last week, and combined for only nine points in doing so. The Saints lost to Tampa Bay, while the Falcons lost to Carolina 24-6. Together, quarterbacks Aaron Brooks and Michael Vick, who are cousins, threw for six interceptions and no touchdowns.
"It's bad enough that we were kicked out of our Alamodome facilities a week before because of a volleyball tournament," says Saints head coach Jim Haslett. "Of course, we're not playing our home games in New Orleans, but Brooks sure played like he himself was 'The Big Easy.' Four interceptions against the Bucs? Come on. Three of those went to Ronde Barber, who was a teammate of Brooks' at the University of Virginia. That sounds kind of fishy. I know our third President, Thomas Jefferson, was involved in a little funny business in Charlottesville. Apparently, it seems to have rubbed off on the football team."
Michael Vick wasn't much better than Brooks, throwing two interceptions and no touchdowns. It was the first time Vick had lost a game to the Panthers, after a successful five-game run.
"Well, it's about time," says Vick. "The Panthers realized I'm not a pocket passer. In fact, I'm not a passer at all. I think everyone knows this, but Coach Mora refuses to admit it. He insists on making me a quarterback. I think I'd make an unstoppable wide receiver. That's what we need more than anything."
The Falcons regroup, and beat the Saints for the second time this year. Vick rushes for a touchdown, as does running back Warrick Dunn.
Atlanta wins, 23-17.
Leave a Comment